I was seeing a guy for 3 years. I'd known him for a year before when I was with my 5yrold daughters dad (a 13 year relationship that was emotionally abusive) and although I only saw him when he came into the pub i worked in (every 5 - 6 weeks) there was something that drew me to him. I was trying to get out of my current relationship as it was toxic, I was just getting the courage. This new guy had a few drinks on 2 occasions and told me he felt something between us - i couldn't admit I did too because I am loyal and hadn't left my ex by then. I eventually managed to leave my ex - that side of things went well considering how massive it was and things were quickly sorted with ex's access to daughter etc.
So i saw this guy and he gave me his number, one thing led to another and we started seeing each other, taking it slow. We hit it off straight away - had the kind of relationship I'd never had before - always laughing, great sex life, we'd talk for hours on the phone each day, he taught me how to play guitar, i found the confidence to sing while he played, we liked the same comedy, travelled to loads of different places together, shared loads of interests etc. He made me feel great about myself, was considerate, thoughtful, attentive etc. He had 3 kids himself and although eventually we got them all together for sleepovers, even went on holiday with the younger two, it was always as friends (adding this so you know that my daughter hasn't been too affected - although I'm wondering if maybe we kept it this was for a reason in hindsight). So, 3 years of these great times - but interspersed with times when he just wouldn't turn up when he said he would with no warning or apology (he fell asleep, was poorly or something). He told me he'd been a player in the past but that he wasn't like that anymore and I believed him and don't think he did actually mess me around like that. There were times when we'd be away and he'd tell me he'd been there with an ex (not his fault but it'd taint it for me as I'd feel like I had something to live up to), he'd tell me (apparently jokingly to wind me up) that I'm being selfish keeping him to myself because other women out there needed him to make them feel good about themselves. I didn't find this funny (I was having cbt for low self esteem and anxiety and it floored me every time he said it). It still crept into conversation every now and then until I'd had every reaction I could have (laugh politely, ask him to stop, tell him they're welcome to him if he Carries on saying it, ignoring him and eventually telling him to f- off). There were times when I'd get a little sensitive and flustered at something he said and I'd over react and then he would just cut off contact - at one time for 5 weeks! Then I'd write a heartfelt letter / msg/ eventually i ended it (because who needs that in an adult relationship?!) and he'd resume contact with a completely out of the blue and unrelated joke msg and we'd go back to the good times. I told him things about my past (abuse) that i'd not even told my closest friends. But we'd very very rarely hang at mine even though he only had his kids at weekends and otherwise had no responsibility and i have two dogs so could only go to his later and leave very early in the morning when I didn't have my daughter (2 / 3 nights a week), he never joined my life unless it meant bringing his two youngest with him to my house some weekends, he very rarely came to my family gatherings although i went to his, we hardly ever went out in local areas and when we did there was no pda. I always wanted another child and from the beginning knew he didn't - he was aware that i was giving up that chance to be with him. He always bragged about being social and being great fun when he was out and let slip that it was easy to make women feel good about themselves (my bubble burst a bit then, I didn't realise he'd used tactics, I thought he meant it when he said we were soul mates, that we had a spiritual connection etc etc). But every time we were together it was never mundane, we had what I thought were magical moments frequently throughout the relationship (he'd choose beautiful music and hold me, stroking my hair as we listened to it, we'd have deep conversations, star gaze and many more similar moments - I'm a sucker for them!). As I said, it was great in so many ways throughout the whole relationship - when he wasn't chucking in a previously mentioned eejit move which I 'assumed' were because he'd been with quite controlling women before. Then after an amazing few months of no dickhead behaviour, we went on an adults weekend (the kind he said he was amazing at, promised I'd have the time of my life). It was new to me but we had an amazing time together, 3 days of drinking, laughing, loving, dancing, fancy dress. But...I've never drank so much nor been in that environment with him before and I noticed a few things that didn't sit right (eg when he heard a guy say he was single, he rolled up his sleeves and told him he could tell him exactly how to get a woman. He just seemed so enthusiastic to spill the beans on his secrets I felt like an idiot for them knowing I'd fallen for it!). I got over that but also got steadily more drunk - and by the final afternoon I'd once again returned from a bar run to see him chatting to women and everything he'd slowly been 'teasing 'me about came flooding into my head and I just wondered what he'd be like if I wasn't there (he'd been on a couple of these weekends without me when we were together) I knew for a fact he'd be chatting these women up, making them 'feel good about themselves' etc etc and he'd never told me what he does when they assume he's hitting on them and want it to go further - he skirted over that in the past. So basically I had a mini dig at him, saying I always manage to head off male attention so he doesn't feel awkward, why is it so hard for him to do the same (as I said i was 3 days drinking and not eating / rehydrating enough otherwise would have just stood there and felt shit). We agreed it would be best if i went back to the apartment, I got lost, was very ill, tried calling him - he answered once to check I was back, said he'd be there soon. 5 hrs later I drag myself out because I had to get some food and he's at the fast food counter with another woman. I don't know if there was anything in it, he came to stand by me (I had a friend on the phone giving me 'just get some bloody food down you' orders) then when i asked him if he wanted food he walked away in the direction this other woman went in without a word! He eventually got back to the apartment, ignored all questions (I was very level headed, no raised voice). He Left for work next day and that's that, other than him responding to my msg to make sure he got back OK. I made it clear that we were over - not because 'who was this other woman?' but because 'where we're you when I needed you' - even if he'd been a complete arse to me all weekend, if he was as drunk as I was, I'd have made sure he was back safe, had plenty of water, ate and could find the toilet to vom into (i was basically falling around hoping my head would land in it to be honest, I've never been so drunk it was scary). I know I got myself into that state (yes he was buying me 2 doubles at a time to save queue time and refused food himself but I drank them and I was too self conscious to eat alone but still I know it was my fault) but who doesn't sometimes over react after so much drink when not used to it!
Anyway, as much as I want to believe the good times were real, I can't get over not hearing something from him to say 'thanks for 3 amazing years, you're a great person (he would always tell me this - i try hard to be every day) and I'm sorry we aren't made for life' ...something along those lines anyway! It's so hard to have someone like this in my life one minute and then realise he doesn't care for me as much as I thought. I know that he wasn't right for me, maybe in hindsight i did all along otherwise things would have progressed to more than 2 / 3 nights at his and some weekends with the kids. And maybe this is why we kept things on a friends only level with the kids. Also the kids are used to sometimes having weeks in between seeing each other at times but my girl is asking to see them and I don't know whether I ought to try to arrange this - he isnt talking to his mum for whatever reason at the moment so I can't even arrange something through her. I'd be happy to get him to drop them off for a couple of hours one day every few weeks so that they still have a little contact - it could ease off then. My daughter knows that sometimes friendships can be full on and then drift a bit and I've told her that's whats happened here, she's ok but still asks to see them.
I've started seeing a guy now who is great, it's very early days but he's already accepting things about me that the previous didn't (my dogs and home life for a start!) and he's treating me very well so far. He's very different (shy for a start) and we get on very well. We've just spent an amazing first weekend lazing about my house having a laugh - dogs and all - and I hate that I find myself getting sad about my last relationship when I should be enjoying what I have now. I find myself very unfairly comparing the times that we are having and obviously it isn't the same (not even in a bad way!). Maybe I just miss the familiarity? We used to have banter full on and I find myself almost cracking 'in jokes ' then realising it wouldn't make sense! New guy is aware of what had happened and has been very sweet about it all (we've been friends a few months and used to work together years ago) and there is every chance that we could be even more amazing. He said if I need some time he will wait but apart from this weird sadness I want to keep seeing him. Do you think I just need to get over wanting closure? I'm very confused and feel awful for so many mixed emotions! I didn't have this after leaving my daughters dad, I was just so relieved to be out of it and feel good about myself - was I sucked into an ego feed on both parts before?! Any comments appreciated - sorry it's so long.