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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't forgive

25 replies

maryjorach · 04/11/2018 21:21

I've been with my OH for nearly 4 years now, 2 years ago I found out he was cheating on me with a family friend, they kissed at a wedding while in her room & from there things went to texting, snapchat & dirty messages/videos. I found out when she messaged him asking to meet up. He practically ran upstairs (pretended to need the toilet) messaged her to tell her she needs to reply quickly & say she txt the wrong person as I've seen the message & am annoyed. She did reply & he was pleased with himself when I believed it but something was niggling at me & 4 days later he admitted to his disgusting behaviour. My issue is that I can't stop thinking about it, the betrayal & lies & how 2 weeks before I found out, we were all at a party together & I danced with her, had drinks & bf sat there so casual & relaxed. If I was messing around with another man & he & my bf were near each other I'd be a nervous wreck! What kind of sick twisted person just sits there while your mistress & gf are chatting. Please help me, any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 21:24

are you still with him OP ?

Original poster

maryjorach · 04/11/2018 22:24

Yeah I'm still with him, I'm such a fool

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 05/11/2018 00:00

I'd dump him and her. Why wouldn't you.

iggleypiggly · 05/11/2018 00:05

Get rid, you deserve better

Mk1234 · 05/11/2018 00:10

Dont waste your time on this douche...your worth more

Original poster

maryjorach · 05/11/2018 00:17

I am going to end it, my mental health is suffering. Also do you think people will think it's weird that i have seemingly forgiven him but then I'm ending our relationship out of the blue? Has too much time passed? Should I be more forgiving?

OP posts:

adayatthebeach · 05/11/2018 00:29

Doesn’t matter what people think. All they should concern themselves with is how your doing. Do what is best for you.

twinsrunmylife · 05/11/2018 00:36

I've just found out my partner is cheating too and spent all weekend debating whether to stay with him or not.

Everyone is different of course but I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't stay with him, what's a relationship without trust.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and have been for so long but I think it's important to do what you think is best and ignoring what other people might think

Original poster

maryjorach · 05/11/2018 01:25

I am sorry to hear you are going through this as well, it's heart-breaking. I've never understood how people can be unfaithful to someone they claim to love. I wouldn't br able to live with myself.
You're right about the trust issue, it is the most important thing in a relationship & I hate myself when I start questioning him & the doubts creep in

OP posts:

twinsrunmylife · 05/11/2018 01:43

That's exactly what I made my post about, whether you can cheat on someone you love. It got mixed responses but as you say trust is just so important I know I'd constantly have doubts.

It's nice to have a reminder that I'm not the only one to go through this

Mk1234 · 05/11/2018 03:39

You dont need to forgive him to move on, its ok to detest him, its all part of moving on. There is no rule book, do what makes you feel better but get yourself around people who love you and appreciate you, do the things that make you happy. Bake, paint , run, swim, shop, eat x

sadiesnakes · 05/11/2018 03:41

There might of been a chance to forgive him and regain trust if he hadn't run upstairs and got her to text, and just come clean with it straight away. His cover up is disgusting and ended your relationship right there. Don't waste anymore time on him op, there's nothing to salvage.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2018 07:31

I missed that it was 2 years ago. The fact that you're still upset about it is enough reason to end it.

He's not trustworthy. It's fine that you've forgiven him.... it's still okay to end it. Forgiveness is often for yourself.

All you need to tell him is that the relationship is no longer working for you. You've tried your best...and can't get over it.That's his consequence.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2018 09:49

I missed that it was 2 years ago. The fact that you're still upset about it is enough reason to end it.

He's not trustworthy. It's fine that you've forgiven him.... it's still okay to end it. Forgiveness is often for yourself.

All you need to tell him is that the relationship is no longer working for you. You've tried your best...and can't get over it.That's his consequence.

Original poster

maryjorach · 05/11/2018 10:21

I'm thinking of doing a sort of 'eat, pray, love' travel like Liz Gilbert did :)
I'm 27 & truly thought I'd found the one, my sister's are happily married with children I always thought I'd have the same one day but maybe it's not meant for me. Like I said with her being a family friend (his side) she'll always be around, parties & any events I'll have to see her and pretend everything is ok

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/11/2018 12:52

You are young.
Definitely end this.
You will never trust him again.
You tried, but you can't forgive and forget.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Travel - live your life and it will happen when it's meant to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2018 12:59

Definitely end this. You're young enough to have a few years of fun without worrying about settling down. He's got form for cheating and it'll always be at the back of your mind. Throw this one back in the pond.

Original poster

maryjorach · 05/11/2018 13:03

Thank you all so much for your advice. I don't care how honest he is now or how much he tells me everything...the damage is done. The other day i said to him there is nothing he can say or do that will change how I feel, the only thing I wanted from him was loyalty & he showed his true colours. I'm glad he did this before we settled down & had kids

OP posts:

Katgurl · 05/11/2018 13:57

I think you should congratulate yourself for trying so hard to forgive him and move on. There is absolutely no shame in leaving him now and it's nobody else's business. The relationship as it is now is not making you happy, it's hurting you. Leave, you're so young. That trip sounds amazing. Why not?

Original poster

maryjorach · 05/11/2018 16:22

You're right, I should be proud of myself as I've stayed with him for 2 years even though I've been heartbroken the entire time. He thinks nice meals and expensive holidays will keep me he couldn't be more wrong. Are there any faithful men left out there? I worry that I'll go through this again & again, I don't want to invest time & effort in someone just to be let down again

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 05/11/2018 21:21

I totally understand OP, even though I found out about an EA 11 years after it happened , it so shocked me because I saw ‘what he was thinking’ in his writing , that it’s very very hard to feel the same again, no matter how sorry they are or what they do to try to make it ok. I’m 56, we have a business, it’s all a bit complicated, and it wasn’t recent, in your case I would get out. I don’t think you really do 100% get over these things, if you stay you learn to live with it and can still have a good life but it’s there at the back of your mind

Original poster

maryjorach · 06/11/2018 00:44

One paticular argument me & my partner had I realised he doesn't count what he did as cheating! He says he stopped it before it went to anything sexual... I actually laughed because I doubt their snapchats were of their lunches! He actually thought he deserved some kind of leniency because of that. If I hadn't seen the text from her asking to meet I still wouldn't know what he was up to

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 01:09

You're young enough to move on. It's one time you're glad no kids are involved.

You deserve better.

CrazySheepLady · 06/11/2018 06:12

Please don't be concerned over what people will think when you end it; they're not in your shoes and can't know exactly how you're feeling and what you've been through.

You know deep down that you've given this relationship everything in trying to repair it. The trust that should be there has been irreparably broken. You deserve someone who loves and respects you and, yes, there are faithful men out there. Lots of them.

Sending best wishes to you.

Original poster

maryjorach · 06/11/2018 22:19

#crazysheeplady. Thank you so much
And to everyone else who has offered me great advice. It's nice to talk to people x

OP posts:

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