This is Me and I hate me. Personality Guidance

[youdontknowme]

So, I pretty much came here to vent and also to seek guidance.
I really HATE so many things about myself, I am jealous, hot-headed, defensive, dramatic, argumentative and who knows what else. I push away most people and don't even try and let them see another side, I feel like sometimes I'm afraid to show my softer side incase people think I am weak.
I know however, that any relationships I do have are going to end because I can't continue being this type of person, I will be left with no one. I've looked things up on Google before, but I wanted to know if anyone else has made any positive changes to their attitudes/outlook in life and how you done it as it seems more possible hearing from someone that struggled from this.

I have just recommended this book on another thread. 'The Road Less Travelled' by M Scott Peck. This book may help you a great deal. It has certainly helped me.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're being honest enough to state all of your bad points; we all have them. There are equally good points about you too. Just look within and go easy on yourself.

This is a great book to help you hear your critical inner voice and identify and change your belief systems.

www.amazon.co.uk/Conquer-Your-Critical-Inner-Voice/dp/1572242876/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ref=plSrch&keywords=robert+firestone&dpPl=1&dpID=51IUvzNCDCL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1541358569&sr=8-2

It takes time but it's worth the effort.

You do need to try and see the good points in yourself as well as the bad. Even if it's just one tiny thing. If you don't like yourself, this reflects in your behaviour, and other people pick up on it as well.

You need to have a balanced view of yourself. For instance, I know can be hot headed too, but I also know I am a kind person. By accepting the good and the bad, I can forgive myself for not remaining calm at times, and work on mitigating that.

Are you able to access some sort of therapy? I'm betting your self esteem is very low.

I think you have jumped the first hurdle, by recognising what the problem is. So many people defend doing these things by justifying their bad behaviour and blaming others etc.

I made a lot of positive changes in my life by reading as much as I could on the things I wanted to change, there is so much material on the internet. Then put it into practice a little at a time, try different strategies if one doesn't work for you. It won't happen overnight but it can be done.

Good luck!

Start doing meditation and mindfulness practices, be aware of your emotions that cause these responses and try to manage them rather than being driven by them. A lot of what you said stems from fear, fear of rejection, of being weak, of not being understood.

Flip these over and think about your desires, for acceptance, strength and understanding, for the above examples. Try to work from these points rather than the fear perspective.

also look into therapy.

I second Aloe
Why do you think you are like this? It's unlikely you behave this way for no reason.
Have you thought about how your early experiences have made you the person you are today?
Maybe a good place to start exploring things is attachment theory

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I was considering mindfulness classes that have newly started up in my area. I'm willing to try all your suggestions.
Well .. I hate to say this because I feel so bad and ungrateful saying it, but I think my mother is part of the reason I am like this..I know she is my "mum" but she was never actually a friend to me, I didn't feel like I could ever be myself around her. We would've fell out a lot when we lived together, although since I got my own place it hasn't been as bad.
My mum has suffered with anxiety and depression for years and I think at times she took things out on me, she would say really hurtful things, the last fall out we had I finally told her how she has been making me feel about myself, she was apologetic, but I know she will probably eventually say it again.
My dad isn't really like a friend either I know he's my dad also and I appreciate everything he has done for me, but again I always felt like I wasn't allowed to express myself or be who I want to be. It would be strange for my father to even ring me or hug me etc .. just seems as if affection wasn't something that happened much in our house.

I am definitely not blaming my parents for my own attitude, but sometimes I think I might have been more of a pleasant person if things were different.

Your last post is very contradictory.

Aloe, why may I ask?

I'm not use to typing out my emotions and never have done this before. Maybe I went the wrong way about describing the situation, not sure.
I just know that is something that has always affected my own self worth to some extent ...

I don't see anything contradictory in what you said.
It's important to realise that a lot of parents are crap and there's a fair chance that yours, like mine, were rubbish.
However, as infants we are totally dependent on our parents, so instead of raging against them for not being able to fulfill our needs, we blame ourselves and create a belief system that sees our parents as perfect and ourselves as worthless pieces of s#&t.

Go for therapy. Are you in the U.K.? Go for CBT on the NHS via your local IAPT team.

youdontknow me, you are doing the best thing by typing out your emotions and getting your thoughts out into the open.

I've recently learnt that if our parents don't listen to us when we are children, then we fail to develop a feeling of self worth. From what you say about your mother and father they sound as if they were too preoccupied with their own problems to listen to you when you were growing up. As others have said, try and get some therapy where you can be listened too and in time will develop that self worth that was denied to you as a child.

Parents do the best they can. It's up to us as adults to sort out the bits that they didn't do a very good job of. You can do it.

Thanks Folks, yeah although I was really well looked after in terms of keeping me safe and I had everything I ever needed materialistic wise, I never asked really for anything to be bought to me EVER, what I actually wanted was someone I could turn to without blowing a fuse about everything, for example in teenage years things like contraception, I couldn't ever mention to my mum about it, because she would have been livid? I got the bar in my arm and hid it for days so she wouldn't see but then it would be turned around on me as if I done something wrong and I was an ungrateful bitch and a hateful daughter. I really hate talking about my parents in this way I feel so so guilty. I would be called names by my mum like rare, odd, strange and things like that?Which then made me question myself and think I really was just a strange person and noone likes me.

I know my grandmother treated my mum in this exact way and tbh she still does treat her like this, she degrades her.

I'm still not really over those comments yet, although they were said and my mum would just continue the next day and talk to me as if she never said anything?

I have noticed this about myself a lot recently that I have started to call my partner names, this is sort of why I decided I want to talk now. I really don't want to be this person and I don't ever want to end up like me.

Don't want my daughter to be like me*

*@tickertyboo * I love that last sentence you wrote.

I share a lot of similarities with you Aloe.

Have you ever read the full Larkin poem? It's only 3 verses, but I found it very powerful, particularly in recognising my parents didn't do anything maliciously, they just didn't know any better. The "coastal shelf" reference really hit me too:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

(Oops - I meant "I share a lot of similarities with youdontknowme " not Aloe!)

"I've recently learnt that if our parents don't listen to us when we are children, then we fail to develop a feeling of self worth. From what you say about your mother and father they sound as if they were too preoccupied with their own problems to listen to you when you were growing up."

I have been in therapy to deal with my own issues, and this is something I have learned too. It's painful and illuminating in equal measure. I learned that I wasn't worth their time or interest and so I have grown up with that level of esteem etc.

(In reality they were spending every ounce of energy they had trying to hold a family together in horrendous circumstances)

Op you can so do this.
I also had fucked up parents, and ended up causing myself and others no end of trouble, having addiction problems and really hating everything about myself.
I used therapy, mindfulness, and meditation ( and 12 step programme for addiction) .
For many years now I’ve worked with people helping them to overcome their problems, I’ve turned it all around, and you can too.
You want to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, which means you are going to nail this.

I’d agree with The Road Less Travelled as a great book.
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