Please help me to see a different perspective

[qgirl]

I posted in the summer when I was having relationship problems with my husband, not helped because MIL lives with us and I found out she had been nasty about me behind my back. I don't feel that husband has supported me over this but we are having counselling. MIL and I are emotionally distant now, we were ok before.
One of the issues I have is that Christmas day for the last few years, MIL and SIL take over the kitchen and cook Xmas dinner. Im not usually asked if its ok with me. I can cook but I think the family (SIL comes with her kids and boyfriend) enjoy how MIL does the meal. I've tried explaining to my husband that kitchens are territorial and that his mother would never have accepted someone coming into her kitchen and taking over.
So this year I decided that as I can only change my behaviour I would take myself off and find a volunteering opportunity that would get me out of the house while Xmas lunch is prepared. So I did just that. Told my husband i was going to a meeting to see about it and he said what about our son, he would miss me. And what about what he (husband) wants.
Following the meeting, I told my husband I would only need to be away from the house for a couple of hours. He then said he's had chat with his mother and she's going to his sister's for lunch. My first reaction was that in all the years we had hosted them, why can't she host us. According to him her place is too small and following the 'words' between me and MIL last summer, they have taken this stance.
I'm being unreasonable aren't I? My husband us blaming me because he thinks I have ruined Xmas. My son will be unhappy because he likes being with his cousins. MIL and SIL presumably think im a stroppy cow who is making waves unnecessarily.

The counsellor says I should see this as an opportunity to rebuild Xmas for our family of 3.

Thing is having Xmas day just the 3 of us is not necessarily what i wanted. I wanted his family to stop taking my hospitality for granted and just once to reciprocate the hosting.
I'm being unreasonable aren't I?

Imo 2019 needs to be the year mil goes house hunting. ...

If only it were that easy! husband has said that is non-negotiable. He made a promise to his father on his death bed to look after her. When she was in the process of selling her house, I said several times that she should find a flat near us. He said she would be lonely. Since she moved in, I am the onle feeling incredibly lonely.

In that case in your shoes it would be me house hunting op.

Thanks Santa. I almost left in the summer. When I told my husband I was leaving, he said I couldn't take our son away because of the things his family had said. Thing is she doesn't know I have seen her messages (I was snooping because she sent me a message not intended for me which while innocuous enough, raised suspicions). She thinks I just have the hump because that's the way I am. My husband doesn't want me to confront her over the messages because she is elderly. And in doing so, he is protecting her feelings over mine.

You have a dh problem here!

You married your dh, not your dh and MIL! He had no business making promises without first speaking to you about it! Anyway, looking after his Mother does not have to mean living with her! She sounds able enough if she is making Christmas dinner! She could find somewhere in between your home and her daughters and your dh could take her shopping, help with any work needing done in the house, go to any important appointments with her. I don’t understand why your dh expects you to take on the ‘looking after’ of his Mother, when he has a sister! Surely should his Mother need personal care then she would rather have her daughter look after her?

Tbh given that his Mother has been rude about you and your dh has refused to take your side, or at least expect an apology from his Mother, I would be leaving. No marriage can survive a third person being introduced without the permission/ agreement of one spouse. This would drive most women crazy and frankly it is incredibly rude that your MIL and SIL have taken over YOUR kitchen, without so much as asking if you mind! That would have driven me crazy!

Your DH has made it clear for years that he does not see you or your feelings as a priority! You could leave and make a happy life for yourself and ds elsewhere! He can not prevent you from leaving with your DS! Put the family home up for sale and leave your dh to look after his Mother!

It really is a shame that your dh has ignored your feelings, wants and needs in all of this! As it sounds like you had a good relationship with your MIL prior to your FIL passing and MIL moving in (did you all previously gather at In-laws house at Christmas?).

It feels really shit when you know that you come second to MIL(or anyone else other than DC) My ex was terrified of his mother(and I came to despise him for it) and his siblings to a lesser degree.Be strong and create a new life for yourselves

Have you reminded him he made vows to you? - your life isn't a good example of a happy marriage to your dc.

Believe me I was almost out of the door. I had even agreed a house letting.
Thing is MIL has made herself indispensable to get children. She does everything for my husband - that's another story. I always thought of myself as a strong woman. Clearly I'm not.
Xmas used to happen at MIL's house but when FIL died, she couldn't face it and so it moved to ours. My husband thinks them doing it is doing me a favour.
I think I owe it to our son to give it a go - I can't walk away until I can say I've tried everything and currently I can't say that. But now the issue is that I will be seen as the person who broke Christmas.

It very rarely works a mil and dil in one house. You deserve your life like she had hers. In your own kitchen. 8n your own home. I'm all for mils but this is a disaster. Is the counsllor challenging your dh as to why he has to have his dm in the house rather than down the street. Does she have cash from the house sale to build a granny flat...own kitchen on your house.
One year having Christmas on your own might be nice. Do you have family you could invite or a friend.

Were you consulted about MIL moving in? I don't see why she has to live with you. She could live close by and you'd probably have a much better relationship.

This is your house, your kitchen etc and you shouldn't be made to feel like that in your own home.

When FIL died we glad a discussion about her moving in and I was in agreement. This was 3 years ago. But when she said she was ready to move (she's been with us a year) I told my husband I thought our marriage wasn't strong enough to add another person into the mix. And especially because I knew that as the type of woman who does everything for her children, this would wind me up. And I don't want my son growing thinking that women run around after men. She evens irons my husband's underwear and puts it away for him! I told him this bothered me and he said why should it?
I know I do probably have a husband problem but like I say I need to be sure that if I walk away, I can go knowing I have done everything.
I think inviting friends over for Christmas would be like rubbing salt into the wound for my husband. Yesterday when speaking to the counsellor, he said he just wants to spend Xmas with his family. I had to remind him that even though it is just the 3 of us, he is spending time with his family.

Are you still planning on volunteering?

It seems to me that you did this to cause problems. You knew it would. And now the problems have arisen, as expected and you’re feigning shock.

We were originally going to buy a house which we could have annexed for her. That fell through and the house we are in now, we can't easily annexe. Also because he paid his parents mortgage, the understanding was that my husband would get the lions share of the money from the house sale. He could give this back to her but he doesn't want her to go. Probably because she does more for him than I do (I work full time as does he).
In the summer when MIL and I had words, she said she would look for somewhere to live. I said her son would watch me walk away before he let her go. She seemed relieved. The other day when the 2 of them discussed Xmas, apparently she said - is she staying or going? I was incredulous.
The only saving grace is our son loves her to bits and she does help out by collecting him from school 3x a week. On the face of it, she's not a bad person. I guess she doesn't like me because I have issues with her son and she has been around when we have argued. But equally it can't have been that bad for her to decide to live with us.

*Workreturner
I volunteered because Xmas hadn't been discussed and so I assumed it was happening at our house - so I thought I would take myself out of my house while MIL and SIL prepared the meal.

Op

You knew it would cause drama. Come on. You know. Woman up and own it. You knew that by doing that you would cause drama and there would be ramifications.

And now those ramifications have happened.

And of course the volunteering goes out the window (not that it was actually ever going to happen).

*Workreturner
You don't know me.
I have no reason to lie to myself about my reasons for volunteering or what I was hoping to achieve by it.
Your words sound like what my husband would say so thank you - I did ask for help to see another perspective.

In your position I would make Christmas with just the 3 of you the best Christmas that has ever been.

I’d speak to your son about what kinds of things he’d like to do and what kind of Christmas Day he’d like to have and then work to make it all incredibly awesome.

This looks very much like a manipulative move by your MIL to ruin Christmas. I wouldn’t bow down to the manipulation.

How long are you going to put up with this for the sake of your son? It's better to split whilst your DS is young. It's a lot harder on children the older they get.
I can't see your DH putting up with Xmas just the three of you. Seems as if he will be angry and resentful.
Any chance you all can go to your family?

Thanks for all responses.
My family are abroad so we can't go to them. I think trying to make it the best Christmas ever for the sake of my son is the best way forward. My husband and his family will think I'm the Grinch whatever happens and I need to try to make this a happy time for my son.

So she sold her house and gave you the lion's share of the equity so that she could live with you, and you were in full agreement.

And she has been contributing at Christmas by doing all the cooking, until you made it clear it wasn't welcome, so now she's going to sil's instead.

I don't think she's done anything wrong as such. The annexe didn't happen for whatever reason and living together isn't working out. There's fault on both sides imo, and tension between you. She grumbles about you to her son. You flounce off on Christmas Day in a move you must have known would be incendiary.

On hearing that you were volunteering on Christmas Day I'm sure she thought it was because of her, so she made plans to be elsewhere, to give you your kitchen back, to make it possible for you to stay at home with your son. Except even this has angered you.

I daresay this could be sorted out with a grown up conversation, compromise, apologies from both of you. But it doesn't sound like that will happen. She must feel very unwanted and vulnerable, bereaved, without her own home. One of you will have to go.

Thank you for your perspective. Her plan to spend Christmas day would have happened in advance of my plan to volunteer.
I want to have a grown up conversation to clear the air. My husband is saying no to this because his view is that relationships are broken.

*Gloomymonday
The agreement is that she would give the money to her son so he could put money into the house. This hasnt happened yet. So far the money we have in the house ie the deposit, came from me.

You say you were almost out the door yourself previously. If the money for the house came from you, why don't you ask your Mil and DH to leave? Then if he wants to come back in time he can prove himself and potentially come back, but without Mil. It's completely unfair of your DH to expect you to live this way.

I'm guessing she hasn't handed the money over yet because it's earmarked for an annexe that isn't materialising.

If you put down the deposit on the house, ask them both to leave.

I don’t get the plan to go volunteering by yourself. If you don’t like being in the house whilst other people are cooking then take your husband and son out somewhere. A long walk or visit to friends. God even down the pub. But as a unit not one person.

Whether you take it on board or not, you were making a statement. It might not have been a conscious one but it was a statement.

There is lots wrong in your marriage by the sounds of it. The presence of your MIL is not helping and it can’t be pleasant for any of you. If I was the MIL I would move out temporarily to get away from it. Perhaps that is what she is doing at Christmas.

Yes, your SIL is snubbing you, it can’t be that difficult to fit in 2.5 more for dinner. They have a problem with you. That’s up to your SIL and I wouldn’t try to address as your issues are closer to home. It’s your marriage that is a problem.

Finally his “inheritance” money not going into the house is a sneaky move. It may mean that it doesn’t go into the pot come any divorce. You need to clarify if it is his money, family money or his mothers money.