Possible to make this right?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

An issue has cropped up between me and the mother of one of my daughters friends. It's my doing; my fault. Am wondering what/if I can possibly do to smooth things over.

Basically, I made an arrangement well in advance with this mother for my daughter to have a sleepover with her daughter on a night I was away and needed childcare. It then transpired that on that same day there was a party my daughter was desperate to go to, but that the girl she had arranged to stay with wasn't invited. She begged and stomped for me to change the arrangements so that she could go to the party (as I could hardly ask the mother to pick my daughter up from a party her own daughter wasn't invited to.)

So against my better judgement, I texted the mother saying thank you, but I had made alternative arrangements, and my daughter instead organised a sleepover with a friend who was attending the party.

By an awful coincidence, the original friend discovered that not only was she not invited to this party, but that my daughter had attended and stayed over at someone elses on the night she had been due to go to hers. Her mother rang me to discuss it and we had a conversation in which I acknowledged the hurt caused and apologised profusely for having handled the situation badly. The mother was almost in tears as her daughter was distressed.

This was a while ago and I still feel terrible. I know there was a million ways I could have done things better: I could have said tough and made my daughter miss the party; I could have been upfront and honest with the mother rather than just saying plans had changed etc. Lesson learned.

However, while the mother involved accepted my apology on the surface, she is unsurprisingly distant with me now. The thing is, our daughters have long since forgotten it all and still enjoy hanging out together fairly regularly. I guess I would like some advice on whether I should just accept that I effed up, these are the consequences, and get on with things as they are, or whether it is worth issuing a more sincere, face to face apology in the interests of having a better relationship with the mum of one of my daughters best friends. Or better to let it lie - it was a few months ago now.

I can be bad at navigating social stuff. What say the hive mind?

Nobody?

Unless this woman was one of your significant friends before this happened I would just leave it. Unless it is negatively impacting your daughters in any way.

Sounds like the mother is keeping you and your daughter at arms length. An unsurprising reaction to anyone who has hurt their child. I wouldn’t give you the opportunity to hurt my child again either.
You/ DD dropped the friend like a hot potato as soon as a better offer came along. My mum used to call friends like that “fair weather friends”. I had a few of those so I can relate to the poor friend.
Do you want to pick up the friendship again for your own convenience? To ease your conscience? If you AND your DD really do value their friendship, then the only thing you can do is to apologise properly in person, and be sure to include the friend in parties/ play dates/ sleepovers. Maybe arrange a nice day out for DD and friend. You did set a terrible example to your DD by allowing her to cancel their plans for the sleepover. Your DD needs to learn that people are not commodities and good friendships are precious. That needs to come from you.

It was me who had made the plan for the sleepover - not my daughter. When she heard of it, she was disappointed because of the party. It's not that she changed her mind and dropped her friend. It wasn't her bad, it was mine. I did it because I couldn't face the anger and disappointment that would result from her missing this bloody party.

I'm not good friends with this mother - we were only just getting to know eachother. But the girls seem to have got past it. The friend was over at our house for halloween so they could go trick or treating together, and there was a sleepover at the weekend.

Of course I don't blame the mother for being wary - I would be too. I don't feel proud of how I handled things at all.

The kids are ok, you apologised... The mum needs to move on

The mum needs to move on

Aye, to better friends. Sorry OP but you used this woman, that you weren't that friendly with, as free childcare for your convenience then dumped all over her daughter's feelings because you couldn't face a strop from your DD. Do you honestly think you deserve a second chance with this mum?

Possibly not

Although that's about the worst possible spin you could put on it. We have/had cared for eachothers children equally. I wasn't cynically using her and not giving anything back. It is true that her daughters feelings were hurt because I couldn't face a strop from my own daughter though. I wish I had done things differently.

Sorry OP but you used this woman, that you weren't that friendly with, as free childcare for your convenience then dumped all over her daughter's feelings because you couldn't face a strop from your DD

Yep.

You say it’s only been a few months, and you are annoyed because your apology hasn’t snapped things back to the way they were.

If you are honest with yourself you know that the reason her distant approach to you upsets you is because it reminds you of your own bad behaviour.

But there are consequences to bad behaviour and these are yours.

To use an analogy often used with small children once you have crumpled up a sheet of paper you can smooth it out again but it will never go back to the way it was.

She might forgive but she’s never going to forget and she’s never going to completely trust you again.

And it’s your responsibility to accept the changes relationship not her responsibility to move on.

I think if you had been honest about the party and sleepover it would have been better. It’s not your fault her daughter wasn’t invited and your daughter has a right to accept party invites. You don’t say how old they are? I don’t think it’s a huge deal tbh but you made it one by lying.

The past is the past.

The only way you'll ever know if you can make it right is to try.

Have the conversation, explain how it's weighed on your mind and that you have regret over it,

We're all learning as we go along in life - if you two are meant to be better friends then an apology will be the stepping stone towards this.

If not - then nothing will change, except you will feel better knowing you've done all you can.

You don't need people on MN telling you what you already know regarding what you could have done better (but they will still do their best to try lol!!)

Be brave - speak to her and what will be will be x

They're 11/12 - just at the age where tween politics become really difficult. Who to invite to parties when mothers set limits on how many can come can be a thorny issue. And of course limits have to be set - otherwise it is prohibitively expensive.

I think I will speak to her face to face and apologise again. And then if she is still distant, I will just suck it up. She's entitled to feel as she feels.

I don’t think you can ever go wrong apologising. None of us are perfect.

She may just need time.

Would you text the other Mum and reiterate your apology, inviting her daughter for a sleepover at a date of her choosing, saying you wouldn’t wish your mishandling of the situation to come between the girls? And say that you haven’t mentioned it to your daughter so she can accept or decline without either child knowing? All you can do is extend the hand; I can see it from both sides.

I'd have a go at a face to face. Let her know what you have told. It will either soften her to know that you are still bothered or it won't. Offer maybe to buy her coffee and cake.

It's a cancelled sleepover. I think the mum needs to get a life. You tried to do it in a way that didn't offend and the girls have forgotten about it. No biggie.

Yes, I'll ask her for a coffee and reiterate an apology. That feels like the right thing to do.

She’s distant, not abusive. You upset her child. I’m sure she’s forgiven you, but a parent doesn’t usually forget.

Just leave it now.