Life

[Lifebehindthebars]

I really don’t know why I’m on this platform. I don’t think I’m looking for advice. Perhaps I just want to let all my feelings out. I have been keeping too much inside me and I’m feeling depresssd and low. I can’t share anything with anyone.
I am 35 years old. Female.
I come from a poor background. Born and bred in a third world country.
Seen my mother beaten up by her in laws. Seen too much violence as a child.
My grandfather started to sexually abuse me at the age of 5. He carried on for 8 years until I was 13.
Those horrible years in my life made me a different person. I pretended to look very happy and cheerful at school however I was scared and sad all the times. I hated my life.
Living in extreme poverty I still managed to get scholarship for college and got into studies for Business
I hated to live infront of my grandfather.
I use to lock myself when he was around.
I was engaged to my cousin at very young age and last minute his mother broke the engagement saying we were too poor for them.
They moved abroad and he got married.
My mother had no money for dowry and she got worried to marry me when I turned 20.
My mother was over the moon when her best friend asked for my hand in marriage to her divorced son.
Her son was 35
Divorced with no kids.
I was 20 then.
My mother and father told that my marriage was fixed.
I was doing very well in my studies.
I had done masters degree in business studies.
But my parents couldn’t afford the expenses even if I had some scholarship help.
I wanted to get away because I didn’t want to see the ugly face of my grandfather.
I got married and came to live in London.
I have been married for 15 years now.
My husband has no physical relationship with me for over 10 years.

He has health issues which he tried to sort out but his sex drive is not active.
Me and my husband has a brother and sister like relationship. We live under one roof. We watch tv together. We argue about stuff. And sometimes we have moments when we laugh with each other.
Yet we are not close enough to share everything with each other.
He is abusive at times and he's over protective over me because he's aware of the health issues has has and he fear that I might find someone else. I'm 15 years younger than him and I'm good looking so he feels very insecure.
He always very suspicious with me.
If I go out shopping he will call me if I have taken longer than usual to come back home.
His behaviour is stressing me out more.
I am trying to setup my new business and I'm trying to focus on my business and I have plans to help vulnerable women who come from situations like mine.
I have no intentions to have an affair behind his back.
I am living a very difficult life and yet I smile and laugh and make people feel that I'm the happiest person on the planet and I have the perfect marriage.
I am feeling so much better and lighter.
I will come back again to say more stuff.
I want to let everything out.
I have been carrying this burden on my shoulders for too long and I can't carry on like this.
I'm glad I found this platform of Mumsnet to talk.
Thank you for reading

I didn't want to read without commenting, although I do t really know what to say. You have faced some extraordinary challenges and are still moving forward - achieving your MA, starting your business. Are you happy living as siblings or would you like to live alone or find someone else one day? Can you see a time when you might feel ready to leave?

GloomyMonday
Thank you for reading my post.
Your questions are the questions I ask myself every morning I wake up.
My children are my priority. My business needs me. My goals are only achievable if I became a selfless person.
I have always lived for others.
May be one day I will live for myself ?

I too didn’t want to leave the page without writing a comment.

What a strong lady you are, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through.
Have you spoken to you husband about how he is treating you? I know you mentioned you’re not close enough to share everything but perhaps if you told him as you say “an affair is the last thing on my mind” but to be honest maybe you should concentrate on you and what you want. Not pleasing other people or answering questions on why you were 5 minutes late - you sound like you have a lot to offer somebody & think you should concentrate on your self and particularly your business which sounds great bytheway.

Maybe the women you’ll come across plus your own experiences will give you light you need. I wish you all the luck in the world

Dear Anyat212

Thank you for your kind words.
Everyone who's reading my post and especially those who are giving me support by writing a post and sparing few minutes of their time is priceless for me.
I have shared anything with anyone apart from this platform.
Today I'm feeling much happier that actuality I managed to spread the word without having a fear of upsetting others.
All I'm in laws are aware of the life I'm living yet they have turned their backs on me.
Although they all very loving and caring towards me and I have a good relationship with all of them yet they don't want to help.
I am very good at maintaining myself. I'm up to date with fashion. I go to gym. I have active lifestyle. I am a good cook. I love to make new dishes. I look-after my health and well being.
My main focus right now is my kids and business.
I have goals and a vision that I'm very aggressively moving towards.
I have lots of charity work going on which I want to expand.

One day I want to openly tell the world my experiences of life
Not because I want to show off and boast my bravery
But because I want woman to come out stronger specially vulnerable woman come from poor families and less fortunate.
Your words mean so much to me
Thank you again