PIL not speaking to us

[ThinkAboutItTomorrow]

I don't want to drip feed but there's a long and involved backstory which I won't go into.

Basically PIL have stopped speaking to us because they realised we were in (very limited) contact with DPs brother. DPs brother is NC with PIL and PIL want the rest of the family to freeze our BIL to try to get him to speak to them. 15 years on and it's not worked. We always said we wouldn't totally stop speaking to him and it's always been a point of tension.

They've fallen out with us about this and stopped speaking to us for a year or so a couple of times. That was before kids. When we had kids we said this had to stop. You can't expect kids to understand the blowing hot and cold. And it's not behaviour I want to normalise for them.

Anyway, PIL have gone from staying with us for months on end, being very involved with DCs to not speaking to us for 6 months (so far).

They have gone travelling and so are distracting themselves day to day. The DCs are confused but very young so pretty resilient. One has a birthday coming up.

It looks as though PIL will ignore the birthday. We have written to them to say this isn't acceptable and if they don't contact the DC soon we're done with them. Be grumpy with us but don't ignore the kids.

I'm fine never speaking to them again. I don't like them and think they are unpleasant people we're better off without.

My worry is that when they return to the UK and have got over their strop they will want to pick up as though nothing happened. That's how they were before.

Would I be reasonable to hold firm and say they are out of our lives for good?

If they have done this before and been told that it's unacceptable then it's time to draw a line now there are children involved. They sound utterly self-absorbed. Are stupid enough to turn up at your home when you ignore them? How is your husband coping?

You and your children here need to maintain your boundaries re them and present a united front.

You do not need such people in your lives and nor for that matter do your children. They need emotionally healthy role models, not grandparents who are manipulative and want others to do as they tell them. You all need to steer well clear of his parents. Why would you want your kids to have any sort of a relationship with people that are awful towards you as their parents, it does not compute.

They are not in strop mode, this is far more than they simply being stroppy and grumpy. You are applying the normal rules of family relations to inherently emotionally unhealthy people . Their actions are about power and control. Do read toxic in-laws written by Susan forward to further understand the dynamics.

Thank you. I know they are toxic. I'm pretty sure MIL has some proper mental health issue but since she won't ever see that or do anything about it, it's not my problem.

I want to protect the kids (& and DP).

They'll get super dramatic, show up at ours and be very sorry for themselves and feel victimised. DP will want to take pity on then.

But you're confirming that I'm not being over the top in turning them away and holding firm.
Thanks

You need to talk this out with your DH as although you are free to go NC it’s ultimately up to him what he does.

I’ve had a lifetime with a mother like this and it’s been 10 months since I finally stood my ground and she’s not been in touch and I’ve no intention of having anything other than a polite attitude should our paths cross again. Even so, it took a bit of asking my DH questions that led to decide not to bother with her before he reluctantly agreed with my conclusion but even so I think he thinks I should just be more resilient and still have her in my life. Luckily I’m strong so that won’t be happening.

We are nc with pil. Repeated incidents of 1 dc being snubbed, other dc not knowing why, mil a drama llama kept away , we moved and went nc. She emailed all her friends we had blocked her from dc lives!!
If dh is happy to go nc then go with his wishes. Your dc will be more than fine without them op.
And you will have a stress free life.
*it's fab tbh!

If you write to them to confirm that they do not want contact with you or your children, keep a record of it just in case they try to take you to court in the future for contact with your children.

I would go NC but please keep a record that proves that they chose not to have a relationship with your children

It doesn't sound like they are that bothered, but you need to cover yourselves just in case.

I often read on here that people believe that grandparents do not have rights. This is false as although they don't have automatic rights, or the same level of rights as parents, they are able to go to court for contact, and manipulative people have the advantage in family court, which is on a different planet to normal reasonable people.

DP will cave. He's soft and feels sorry for them. I think if I can get him to see he needs to protect the DC he will hold firm but he's so used to their manipulation he doesn't see that it's bad. But I can't have them growing up like that.

They won't ever put in writing that they don't want a relationship with us or the kids. Because they fully intend to waltz back in like nothing happened when they are ready. This is exactly what I don't want them to do. It's just not on to be full on GPS one minute and then disappear for 6 months, then think they can go back to being good GPs.

They lived with you? Hopefully they aren’t coming back to do so again?

Is your BIL involved in your and your children’s lives now?

Tbh your in-laws sound like narcissistic sociopaths (I have very similar outlaws!) and I can only advise that you cut contact completely. You need to speak to your DH and say that whilst you would never force him to go NC with his parents, you refuse to allow their toxic behaviour to continue to impact upon and confuse your DC. Tell him that you and your DC will no longer have any contact with his parents, although he is more than welcome to visit and meet up with them if he wishes.

Well done to your DH for not allowing his parents to destroy his relationship with his DB. Unfortunately, in our case this wasn’t possible, BIL is in his element now as Golden child to both parents! Your in-laws are toxic and should not be allowed to be around or to influence your vulnerable children! A good book for your DH to read is ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward. For yourself, ‘Toxic Inlaws’ by Susan Forward is very informative!

They lived with us on and off. And yes I imagine at some point they'll think stying with us for a few weeks will be fine.

I just need to stand firm and weather the drama. And there will be drama.

PIL sent a birthday present for my DD. They've also emailed my DP a bit mournfully about a few things they claim were difficult with the DCs and references to the aunt and uncle who don't speak to PIL.
It's obviously nonsense and the only ones upset by it is PIL but we can't help that. Eg we have an old family book with SIL name in and my DD apparently asked who she was. I can see this upsets MIL but she gave us the bloody book! There was always a likelihood that conversation would happen. And it's her fault 2 of her DCs don't speak to her, not mine!

I've said that as far as I'm concerned I'm still through with PIL. I won't stop them seeing DC if DP wants it but it won't be in my home or with me around.

Does that even stand a chance of working in reality though?

I don't see the problem OP ..You are putting way too much thought on them..Don;t do this.Your children are not stupid they will know who loves them who cares for them and they will figure out who is important to them...Children cannot be fooled.For example my friends daughter is 7 and she is bright,lively and a lovely little girl..she was doing a list of best friends the other day and her list read like this...best friend mummy,brother,friend from school,grandma,cousin then daddy.My friend asked her why daddy was not at the top of the list with mummy and she said he is ok but he isnt my best friend cos he doesn't play with me...and she was right! The kids will form their own judgement as they develop and if they don;t have their needs met by your PIL then they will just not bother with them...as I see it your PIL have a lot more to loose than you and your husband and family and if they are choosing to behave like passer bys then let them..Just carry on day to day and if they turn up fine if they don't equally fine! Your children will not miss out they won;t give the inlaws a second thought.Your children will not be hurt either they will see it for what it is.cos you don;t miss what you don;t have and love and respect comes for children from consistancy,its what they rely on and what they need.Bugger the inlaws and just focus day to day on your own family..Best Wishes sent.

Of course it can work...just dont let them stay - or be involved - there is lots of advice on mnet about going LC or NC - just say NO..
I personally wouldnt want my DC to see them either as they will probably get a load of crap told to them as your DH wont stand up to them from teh sounds of it and would be more confusing for them... maybe just him at least to start with...