He threw a pencil at me

[mincepiesandtea]

I did something 8 months ago, and I really wish I hadn’t done it. Basically I was living with my verbally and emotionally abusive stbexh, things were unbearable. I had arguments with his family, with him, his family coming round all the time also bothered me. I never got on with them, but I had no say in it because it was “his” house. The council requested a letter from him saying I couldn’t live there, he refused. I had no where to go, no money and I just wanted to get away from it all. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had a breakdown. So I went to the police and explained that I couldn’t live there anymore, he’s verbally and emotionally abusive and it’s affecting my health. They wanted me to explain everything that had happened in my marriage, which I did. I was honest about everything, I admitted I had slapped him in the past, and he had pushed me when I was pregnant. He cheated on me and it was just a very toxic marriage, I also told them about an incident where he threw something small at me, let’s just say it’s was a pencil. Anyway after my talk with the police they took me home because I didn’t want them to arrest him, when I got him he got angry, started saying to the police that I’ve hit him in the past etc but he never went to the police with it. We started arguing in front of the officers and one of the officers said to him “ she doesn’t look like a victim of abuse”. This really hurt me because she had no idea what I’ve been through the last 8 years, and felt she was judging me because I stood up to him and didn’t just sit there looking scared. He’s never physically abused me, so I don’t know if that’s what she meant?

After they left, he said that he was glad the officers were on his side and they could all see I was just trying to get rehoused “by throwing him under the bus”, and he’s going round telling people I went to the police because he threw a pencil at me.

I’m in a much better place today, but I feel so embarrassed and such a fool for going to the police. I wasn’t in immediate danger, I just feel like the officers were probably laughing at me when they got back to the station. I know it’s in the past, but I keep replaying it in my head. Please help.

No one? 

Verbal abuse leaves no visible scars but is more damaging than if he hit you. I used to wish he would hurt me then I would have a reason to go.

It's totally understandable that you went to the Police for help. After all that's what they are there to do. The comments made were unprofessional and uncalled for.

I hope you manage to put the past behind you and your future is bright, happy & healthy 

Where are you living now?
Over a longterm relationship we may all to things we regret, often of we are highly emotional we may not be able to make the best choices.

I don't think the police should have commented as I doubt anyone can make a judgement based on one short interaction.

Forgive yourself and be grateful you are now trying to live without a toxic relationship.
Replaying events from the past is common after a destructive marriage but time really is a good healer. In a years time you will be in a much better place.

Can you access counselling or the freedom program as it will help validate your experiences.

Sorry I don't understand. Are you living with this abusive man now. I hope someone can give you a link to women's aid.

No he met someone and moved out, leaving me here with the dc. I'm just embarrassed and wish I could forget it all. For a while he used to bring it up all the time. No I haven't done the freedom programme, will look into that. Thank you.

Well if he's moved out, it's all history now and time to move on with your life surely?

In terms of embarrassment. I can kind of see where you're coming from because you weren't in danger, had never been physically assaulted and know that the police are not the best organisation to contact about a deteriorating relationship. But you felt desperate, and did the only thing you could think of at the time. I'm sure they e seen much worse and didn't give it another thought. Be kind to yourself and move on.

@GloomyMonday yes I know, thank you. Live and let learn I guess

God the police are fucking shitehawks I'm so sorry. They were so out of order with that.

I think you may have misinterpreted why the PC acted that way. You had already stated that you wouldn’t make a complaint about your ex and you were returning home. To be with someone potentially dangerous. This was something they couldn’t do anything about. Under other circumstances they could maybe have arrested him without your statement but not how you describe things.

At your home the ex stated getting angry at what you had done. It is most likely they were trying to diffuse his anger as you were going to stay with him. Really they only had 2 options, arrest him or diffuse his anger. Arguably they could have arrested him based on his behaviour but it might not have been enough.

My take they were trying to calm him down because you had decided to stay. They wouldnt have been laughing. They would have preferred to have been able to arrest him and protect you. Unfortunately they know a lot of women have nowhere to go and choose to stay because of that.

Can you draw a line under the incident and move on?

@LemonTT but then why would she say to him " she doesn't look like a victim of abuse" about me when I'm just defending myself.

Did you hear them say that? Or did he tell you they said that?

Mince, you had gone to police to report incidents of domestic abuse including violence. Then decided not to take action and return home. This is not unusual and the police are aware of this. But they also know that you are potentially still in danger. Remember they get to see the end results of escalating DV. Regularly. They know how it starts and they know how it can tragically end.

Once home your partner got angry at you. It is likely they were trying to calm him down and agreeing with him was one way to pacify the situation. Even if you argued back, you would be the one in danger when they left.

To put it bluntly they were patronising him. They have to agree with people who talk shit all the time to get them to calm down and shut up. They probably seen him as an abusive dick. He just validated everything you said about him.

Im sorry but you said you use to hit him so you was also abusive. so I can see what the officer meant.

@LemonTT thank you. Didn't really think of it like that, it was just funny how quickly he changed once the officers left. He was laughing and joking with them, but as soon as they left, the abuse came. I was a dickhead and some other things for going to the police and throwing him under the bus to get a house. I just wanted to get away, I didn't care if they put me in solidarity confinement, I just wanted to get away from him. Makes me cry when I think about it, it was such a difficult time in my life 😢.

@Rememory to be honest, I never heard they say that. He told me they said it, I don't have any reason to think he's lying the way they were standing there laughing and joking with him.

@CandyCreeper this was a time when I found out he was cheating on me, sending her money and yet I couldn't even afford basics, and he would refuse to give me money. I just slapped him in a moment of anger, I know it was wrong.