He doesn’t want kids and that’s not all...

[MissyEmRain]

Been with partner for three years now living together for two. I have a nine year old son.

First year we were together DP was absolutely wonderful..., great with my son, talked of definitely getting hitched and having babies. I was 31 at the time and not in a major panic for any of those things.

As we enjoy alternate weekends where my son goes to his father, DP starts to suggest a reluctance to have babies ‘yet’ as we’re still getting to know each other and having fun etc. I have a second smear come back as needing treatment so I feel okay in waiting a bit longer anyway.

DP starts hinting that DS living with him wasn’t easy to begin with and he felt my parenting was lapse and I needed to be more hard on him etc let him go out to play by himself.

I have a conversation last year about getting on with babies or getting engaged or whatever and DP is coy about the engagement thing saying he’s not old fashioned and wouldn’t mind being proposed to. I ask him to marry me and he laughs it off and we talk about having a child and that is now a definite NO. Said the thought of it terrifies him and will never want them.

He’s strict with my son which is not necessarily a bad thing in itself as my sons dad is useless and let’s him do whatever he wants

Honestly this man is a good bloke, he wants the best for my son (but can be hard on discipline as he was raised by a tough single mum) he comes from a big family where he had to help with child rearing, so I understand he can’t be bothered with having kids and he’s already lost one long term gf because he didn’t want children and she did.

I’m now 35. I consider him the love of my life, my best friend. He doesn’t really want to do much with my son, but my son doesn’t want to do much with him either so we don’t really have family time. My son is happy, well adjusted and his behaviours much better since we’ve lived with this man. He’s a loving funny kid. I wanted more of a step dad figure but my OH said he simply cannot be the ‘perfect stepdad’ as he finds it too difficult but he does try. I was a step mum for many years too and I understand it’s not easy to begin with.

At 35, I’m struggling with the concept of leaving just to find someone else. I’d be fine single, I’ve done that before as a single parent and I can cope. I also have inheritance money to get my own place. He’s told me if I want to leave and find someone who can play daddy for my son, marry me and have more babies I’d better go. The marriage thing we can’t even discuss anymore as he feels women just try and trap men and he doesn’t know any men who are happily married or happy fathers.

When he talks about the future he discuss ‘his’ house or whatever, as I haven’t got my name on anything, he makes decisions without consulting me and I find it hard to say anything. He then tells me to ‘man up’ and say what I want.

Oh my! This man doesn’t sound good for you or your ds long term. It’s maybe been great for the most up til now - well perhaps. But the cracks are really showing.

It sounds as though he may have put a bit of on an act for you seeing as his ex said he didn’t want children. Whether consciously or subconsciously he sounds rather manipulative.

Staying with him will damage your ds and you will always be left wondering “what if”. I know time isn’t on your side for having more children. Who knows if you will or won’t have other children. One thing for sure, your priority needs to be the one you have and he’s really not happy.

Children take their cues from the role models around them. Do you want your ds growing up to be a man like him? Ensnaring a woman, ignoring his children? Pretending he wants to build a life with her then taking it all away when she’s totally in love with him?

After what this man has said to you, do you really have a choice to stay? I think he is trying to break the relationship off imo but doesn’t want to end it as it doesn’t fit with his image of himself. It wouldn’t be the first time a man has acted in this way.

I think discipline has its place, but being a good role model, reading fairy tales and showing unconditional love is so much more important

This.

I am interested to know what exactly your Ds is doing to have 2 men disciplining him.

Is he torturing kittens or just being a bit loud.

If it is something akin to the latter I wouldn’t have my Ds around either of them

I wonder how your son would describe him? Would bully? Be close to how he sees him,with his not wanting to spend time with him,but still likes to be strict ( lord it over him) with him ...
Op this man is telling you who is is ....no marriage,no babies , no step parenting..for your sons sake ,stop making excuses for this man .and do the right thing for your son and yourself...have some pride and leave him.

@Karmin that’s exactly how I feel: hopeless and like I don’t know which way to turn
Leaving and living separately is definitely on the cards and when I started looking for my own flat I instantly felt calmer and more in control of my lofe

"DP had a seriously messed up childhood where he saw his mum get treated terribly by their dad. None of his brothers want to get married or have kids because of what they’ve seen growing up."

I know this is a bit of a tangent but huh?

If they were women this would make sense, but they're not; wouldn't that scenario make them want to treat their partner decently and not be like their dad (given it seems they recognised it was wrong/horrible)?

The only way it wouldn't is if they think they're the same as their dad, and can't/won't (it's really won't, isn't it) act any differently. Their dad and their parents relationship should be a 'do the opposite if you want to be decent and have a good relationship' example but they choose to just say 'we don't want to get married because their marriage was like that's.

It seems contrary and illogical to me (and maybe just excuses).

He sounds like a bully. Growing up with a step dad you hate is awful, I hated mine. I probably seemed happy and well adjusted as a kid because kids tend to look for the happy things in life and get on with things. You trust your parents to do the right thing and it's not until you're older that you realise your parent/mum massively fucked up by having such a man in your lives. Don't do that to him.

Also this guy has done a serious 'bait and switch' here by the sounds of it.

So he's dishonest and manipulative as well.

The not being interested in/bothered with your son thing; from someone who lives with him as his mum's partner, in his life all the time ... That seems pretty horrible.byour son has obviously and naturally returned the lack of regard and interest back to him, but no wonder. It still must have (and must be) affecting him

The marriage thing we can’t even discuss anymore as he feels women just try and trap men

Two things. First, he has trapped you with marriage as bait so this is a bit rich.

Second and more important, who generalises about a whole group of people when talking about their relationship with one of those people?? Who but a dicky twatface? Honestly I think men are self obsessed wankers in general but I would not bring that up with my H because he isn't and even if he were what good is lumping him in with all other men?

This guy sounds horrible. Terrible role model for your son too.

So he is good for your son but he doesn't want to be a father to him and doesn't want to be part of a family that includes him? This IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR SON! No matter what gloss you think there is on his behaviour at the moment, long term your child will end up damaged by this man and he will blame you for it, because you didn't protect him. I can't even get started on the rest of his gas lighting bull shit. Tells you anything you want to hear until he is sure you don't have the confidence to leave, bullies you financially, tells you he can never be really happy as a husband or a father and woman are out to trap men while keeping you and your child around so you can do housework and provide him with sex?! Jesus, OP, RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!

You’re 35, not 75 and even if you were why should anyone live their life like this?!

It’s crazy.

Put your son first. He gets one shot at childhood. Why should he have to live with someone he doesn’t like?

You deserve someone who adores you both and wants a family. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want to do “family” if you have a child. It’s never going to work.

How awful for your poor son to be forced to live with a man who clearly wants nothing to do with him. It’s bound to affect his self esteem in the long term. And it must be even worse for the poor boy to feel that his own mother permits him to be rejected by this man and chooses every day to make him remain in this situation.

Don’t have another child until you are able to prioritise the one you’ve already got. He deserves a stable home where he’s loved and wanted. You’re staying with this man for selfish reasons even though it’s detrimental to your son - that’s not being a good mother.

You have the money to leave so do it. Provide your own home for your son and don’t let another man into it unless he’s prepared to treat your son with love and respect.

Someone to 'play daddy' to your son? He described you finding your son a decent step dad who actually gives a fuck in THOSE words? Those are nasty, bitchy, belittling words chosen to make you feel stupid for wanting your son to be loved. He's a fucking cunt for saying them.

This man laughs at you when you ask him to marry you, for that alone I’d be leaving tbh.

He doesn’t really like your son, any decent mother would leave because of that. A child should always be the priority

You want more children, he doesn’t.

Why are your standards of a relationship so low? I despair at some women really I do

He lied, he's an arse, you can do better. If you just want a baby give your ex a shag.

Leaving and living separately is definitely on the cards and when I started looking for my own flat I instantly felt calmer and more in control of my life This says everything you need to know.

He doesn't want you, he certainly doesn't want your son - and he will have children with you when hell freezes over. :(

Please OP, this is the time to focus on your son. Every post you're writing somehow manages to inveigle the 'fact' that your 'D'P is a great guy. He really isn't.

You need to find your own security and make a life with you and your son. He discusses 'his house' and you have your name on nothing. How many warning signs do you need? I can see you back at your parents' house without notice.

I'm really sorry, you're blinded by love and devotion but this man is not for you; he's playing with your feelings, enjoying the power that you're giving him - and your son is collateral damage.

Please, make your plans to leave, asap. Use that as an outcome and work backwards to determine how you will achieve it. Put babies on a back-burner because these can't be your priority for now.

Jesus Wept OP - he's led you on, doesn't like your son.

Leave. Now.

Being a step parent is hard, I'm one, but there's no excuse for his behaviour. He'll just continue to take and give nothing positive back. He really doesn't care about you or your son.

I agree that the fact looking at other places gave you peace is a big sign that getting your own space is a good next move.

With the discipline thing - and how helpful it is to have someone back you up - do you have any friends who could help with that? Not in disciplining your son but is helping you feel that you're doing the right thing, being able to be another adult in your corner? I've found that helpful and I think could be another step towards making it easier to leave this dude who does seem to have done if not a purposeful bait-and-switch then at least has done a 180 that means you're less compatible to move forward together and have the life you want.

OP I was once totally in love with a man who had a child. I left him because I didn’t feel ready or able to be a stepmother. It would have been wrong to enter a serious relationship with him when I didn’t want to parent his daughter or be a family with her. It never for a second occurred to me that I should live with him and just exclude his daughter. It’s not something that a decent person would do - or that a decent parent would permit.

I think considering you say he talked of marriage and babies at first but has now ruled both out, he wants out of the relationship and this is his way of getting you to end it as he doesn't have the balls.

What strikes me is that he is telling you loud and clear you have no future together.

Do you contribute financially to his house?

Some people are mercenary and will exploit others as they have no conscious. Your setup works for HIM but had he sold you this life at the start you you would not be with him..He has been clever and moved the goalposts once you are emotional invested and your son is settled.
He is banking on you being afraid to uproot your son..I suspect he will start to treat you and your son worse over time.

Get a place of your own, hopefully in the same area so no change of a schools or friends..although secondary will be soon.
I bet your son will be excited at the prospect.

he feels women just try to trap men that's it, that's the deal breaker. He believes that men are worth more than women, he has no interest in your son other than disciplining him, and he doesn't care what you want. As pp have said he let you believe that he wanted the same things as you, now he is telling you if you still want those things you should leave. He is a shit. Ltb.

he feels women just try and trap men and he doesn’t know any men who are happily married or happy fathers.

I often wonder how misogynistic men get laid. Here's how.

He's convinced himself that, despite evidence from his own childhood, women are the problem. Even though he lied and trapped you, you're the issue.

Look for your own place, take some parenting classes to deal with the discipline issue, love yourself and your son.

I think when he thinks of his childhood he comes out in the side of his father.

He probably thinks that his mother trapped his father and deserved everything she got.

He despises his dad and they barely speak. His dad was a violent cheat and a bully. Their mum was a tough lady but all her sons came out on her side. She’s advised them that bringing babies into this ‘awful’ world is cruel and they pretty much listen to whatever she says,