Do you always support your partner? Even when you disagree with what they've done?

[merrygoround]

Dp came home from work at 1pm today to tell me that he's been sacked. It's the second job in less than a year that he's left - he walked out of the last one and never went back. That time he got sick certificates for depression, avoiding the sack, and I supported him all the way as I felt his boss was impossible. The new job was fantastic when he started, he couldn't stop telling me how great it was in comparison. Then gradually the shine wore off and the arguments started. I KNOW that he is asked to do a lot, and sometimes it is unreasonable, but I find that I can't support the way he "handles" it - by getting into big rows with his bosses. A month ago he got a written warning for the same thing. I've told him over and over that he should leave a job on his own terms - ie hand in his notice after he's got something else to move on to - but he can't seem to help himself.

I feel terribly disappointed in him, and almost betrayed. He is rocking our financial security again - last Januay it was my savings that had to carry us until he got another job - and I find it irresponsible and childish. I know that going on at him is hardly going to help but I'm finding it so hard to keep my sense of disappointment in check.

He says he needs my suppport, but I'm not sure how to give it when I disagree with what he has done,and worry that he'll have the same issues in the next job (that's if anyone will employ him....). I find myself looking down on him, as if he is less of a man. To me what he has done is selfish, and doesn't take into account that he has "responsibilities". I feel very old fashioned, and would really appreciate some feedback.

I would probably feel the same as you TBH, my dp is very loyal to his job, probably more to them than us, but he has bad days when he comes home and says Ive had enough..and my first thought is...you cant we need the money...but I listen to his rant and keep my mouth shut and so far so good.
How are you going to manage this time?
Maybe he needs a job where he would have more say, as its the bosses he seems to have problems with.
It is selfish...btw...and I would feel betrayed too. Hugsx

I think your DP needs to examine why he can't manage to leave a job normally. Does he hate the industry he's in? Does he need a career change? Do you work outside the home?

I would certainly be alarmed by his behaviour. Changing your job is something you don't do unilaterally, it affects your family, and so therefore you discuss it with them. If your DP isn't discussing this with you, it's serious - it's like moving house without one party having a say in it.

Thanks Charliecat. I don't know exactly how we are going to manage, but feel that this time he must take the responsibility for his actions without me bailing him out. It is possible that he will get another job quickly- he has a good trade and is well qualified and has tons of experience. If he doesn't walk into something else then I will qualify for extra child tax credit, which won't solve the problem, but will help. Perhaps he will have to take out a loan, and repay it from his personal money when he starts earning again. We have a joint account and joint savings as well as personal spending money - but I don't see why those savings should be used.

What I find it hard to get my head around is that he may do this again and again. Perhaps it is simply that in my own family my dad would never have dreamed of doing something so risky, and I guess I have that same expectation of dp.

We are having couple counselling at the moment and I feel this might be the chance for him to look more deeply at his relationship with authority. He is the only one of 7 children that had over 10 years not speaking to his dad because he said that every time they spoke they argued. And almost the first thing he told me when I met him was that nobody told him what to do. He says he wants to work for himself, but is not in a financial position to do that at the moment.

Its a good that you are getting counselling, I did think when I read your first post, goodness, whats he like as a husband as most people bow to thier bosses.
Is the working for himself a possibility in the future? If it is the next job he takes you could maybe suggest he saves up so he has got some money behind him, to put into the business when the time comes.
Id be worried sick, is he?

Thanks meanbean too. It does make me feel more sane to think that others also think that he is behaving irresponsibly.

What I want to do is scream at him (I've already cried) and "tell him off", but I feel that there must be a better, more practical way of dealing with this. Trouble is I'm rather one dimensional when there are relationship problems - ie I'm right, he's wrong - and all that does is pit him against me as yet another authority figure.

I feel I must support him without agreeing with him. Is that possible?

charliecat, I am not sure if he is worried. He was certainly shocked to see how much I cried when I found out, and he did look suitably shamefaced. He keeps telling me not to worry, that he'll be working again next week, but when I overcame my upset and anger to show him some sympathy he admitted that he finds it impossible to tolerate the frustration of unreasonable demands at work. So I think he is beginning to admit to himself that he has a problem. TBH, I think he is quite immature. Loads has happened to us this year, and in some ways he has improved and become more mature, but this work thing is a big stumbling block.

Maybe its a man/woman thing, your thinking food, money, next month, next week and hes just thinking Hate this....Ill get a new job next week...sorted.
If he does get a job and it all sorts itself out, as hes obviously hoping it will give him a big round of aplause but let him know how worried you have been, and suggest next time he talks to you about it.
And to get a job he prefers next time! Must go to bed now, will check this tommorow xx

He's selfish and immature, as you've noticed. Glad you are getting some help though, he really needs to sort his head out. Even if he finds his dream job, he'll still have to deal with bosses - and even if he did end up working for himself, he'd still have to deal with authority figures like the bank manager or tax office. He's going to have to learn how to resolve disputes amicably. Not easy but can be done and looks as if you are taking the first steps already.
HTH

Thanks again CC. I have a horrible feeling that this is not so much a man / woman thing, as an adult / child thing. If I'm right then the worst thing I can do is bail him out of his mess, as he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. I think I am getting the first glimmer of an idea how to handle this situation. I will support his efforts to get another job, listen to him if he wants to talk about the issues at the heart of the problem, and at the same time make it clear that I EXPECT him to bring in a wage, and that if he can't get a job in his field then he must get anything going.

This is an uncomfortable feeling, but I think that if dp does not go back to work then I would have no respect for him and would probably leave. Is that a terrible thing to say? We are not married so I guess I never promised for richer for poorer, but even if I did I think I'd feel the same. It would be different if he'd been made redundant, or had an accident at work -it's not the money that bothers me - but the irresponsibility. Even now it has lowered my respect for him.

Thanks edam. I'm going to sleep on it now, and will look in tomorrow.

gosh merrygoround, this reminds me of my ex-h. He walked out of job after job when we were 1st married and it used to frustrate the hell out of me; I just couldn't understand it. We stayed together for 7 years but split up when he left me just as we were buying our 1st house. NOT a coincidence, as it turns out!

He had terrible problems with responsibility and this grew from the jobs and into our relationship. The house represented everything he knew he couldn't maintain. He also had a poor childhood - orphaned and passed amongst various alcoholic relatives, who didn't have anything resembling a work ethic. So it was no wonder he couldn't cope.

I'd say the saving grace for you is the counselling - we went to relate but ex-h bailed out when it got too uncomfortable and he was having to face up to things. If your dh is willing to stick it out you have a chance at trying to reverse the pattern of walking away from his responsiblities. Good luck xx

Dp loves his work and gets huge satisfaction from satisfied customers - but tends to think more of the client than of his employer. He is in his late 30s and has never moved on - he is still a basic level engineer, on the same pay and conditions as someone new to the job despite having tons of experience. The more I think about it the more I am concluding that he is fed up, lacking motivation, and almost burnt out. One day this week he was asked to do 3 jobs in London (city and South East), another in Guildford, one in Reading and then go to the office near Luton (for which he is not paid). He frequently has to cover for absent staff (he never throws "sickies" himself, and gets enraged by colleagues who do), and often has to pick up the pieces where the original engineer has ordered all the wrong parts because he didn't take enough care to diagnose the problem properly. And his back is suffering from spending up to 5 hours a day driving. (He was taken on to be a London engineer BTW).

On the day he got sacked he'd been asked to drive to the office (a round trip of 5 hours - no pay), for no particular reason except there was no other work in. He argued it wasn't reasonable, and was told to unpack his van and they'd be round to collect it. Obviously his argument was construed as refusal to do what he was told.

I don't blame his employers for sacking him - I think I would in their shoes. But I think I need to try harder to empathise with him if I am going to help him to deal with these problems rather than keep moving from one frustrating job to another.

I do think that counselling is important, because with me he will admit so much but go no further. I've tried to talk to him tonight but I think with a counsellor he might be willing to work harder and open up more. Obviously I have an agenda - security - that can make it hard to be totally sympathetic to him.

Just wanted to post again as I feel that I've painted a very negative picture of dp, when there is a lot of good in him. It doesn't change the fact that in future he needs to learn how to leave a job in the "normal" way, but in fairness I don't think he was expecting to get sacked yesterday. Perhaps it will give him the jolt he needs.

Maybe not directly relevant to the issue you've got with DH - responsibility - but can his employers just sack him like that, without going through a proper process? I know he got one written warning, is that the last call before a sacking?

It sounds to me almost as if the employer was expecting your dp to refuse when they asked him to drive 5 hours for no reason and no pay. Did they know his back was hurting from too much driving?

Is there any way he could set himself up to be his own boss?

Not sure meanbean. He doesn't appear to have been confirmed in post, despite being there for over 6 months, and if that is the case I suspect he has little rights. Anyway, in the private sector it always seems an employer can do what they like..... I've asked dp to dig out his contract so I can check these things, but I'm guessing that they can sack him for "gross misconduct" which would surely include refusing to take orders.

I also asked if he would go back if they retracted the sacking, but he says he'd rather learn the lessons and move on. As you know I don't think he really has learned much, but that's what I'm hoping to support him to do.

What type of work is he in?

Avalon, dp always says that in his field you just can't mention things like bad backs. I don't know if he is right.

He is a "mobile" engineer Avalon - ie drives from job to job.

I was wondering what he fixed - fridges or industrial machinery? Could he set himself up with a business just doing local jobs or does he have to travel (and work for someone else) because his skills are specialised?

Commercial catering equipment. It is quite a specialised field, and he'd hate to go back to fixing domestic appliances. If money was no object he could make a living self employed, but it comes down to start up costs. (Plus the fact that he is rubbish at paperwork.... and not computer literate - an engineer who hates new technology!)

Getting too tired to stay awake now so am heading off to bed. Thanks for the thoughts.