How do you let go of anger and hurt after betrayal?

[Namechangeasever]

Sorry if some of this is vague - the details are outing so I’ve not gone into it.

My partner betrayed me horribly several months ago. Not infidelity but that kind of punch to the gut, life destroying betrayal.

She did it because she has problems facing up to anything rather than because she’s an awful person. She immediately went out of her way to try to make things better, doing somethings in the process that were a very big deal for her to do that she had never been able to do before in her life. She was and is genuinely sorry and hasn’t put a foot wrong since. I 100% believe that she will never do anything like it again and the amount that it hurt me made her face up to her issues with facing up to things. She has been growing and changing because she wants to make things ok with me.

I have been trying so hard to get over what she did as when I forget about it, we’re fine. However, every few weeks I’ll remember and it will hit me hard. The pain of the initial betrayal comes back just as bad as it was to start with and the anger, pain and humiliation consume me. This causes problems between us because I can’t get over it.

We are separated at the moment (recent) to try to give me chance to think about what I want and whether I can get past what she did. I want to so much because I love her very much and we are good together. But how do I do that? How do I stop the pain and the anger? Is it possible? I would appreciate any advice.

It's hard to give advice without knowing what the issue was.

I know. I’m sorry - I’m not comfortable saying though. It’s definitely something that I’m not being over dramatic about though if that helps? The few friends who know were shocked. Most told me to end things immediately and a couple were really disappointed in her but hoped we’d work through it as they like us as a couple.

Again it's hard without knowing the actual issue but I guess counselling might help

She sounds genuinely remorseful, some times people make mistakes and you have to trust they will learn from them, it sounds like she is doing everything she can to make amends

Thanks bigchris. Yes, she is genuinely very sorry and has done everything she can to make it up to me. It’s not in her nature to treat people badly - it’s not the classic narcissist thinking they can treat people badly, it’s a woman who dealt with something extremely badly. That should make a difference. But I still feel awful.

Again, very difficult to give the right advice without knowing what the issue is.

However, it's clear that you love her very much and she loves you.

Sometimes you have to forgive in order to move on. This is obviously not been easy for you as it might be for another person but it can be done. I think what the PP said about counselling is an excellent idea, maybe initially one to one then with her in order for her to understand your thought process and work together to get things back on track.

As you can see by this relationship thread, people go through trauma in their relationships all the time, some are able to forgive and move to a better place, some aren't. But please do try and work at this because a good, loving relationship is so hard to find and you wouldn't want to walk away only to look back in 2/3 years and wish you'd given her a second chance.

Right now we only have your word that she did something very bad. It could that it was genuinely heartless it could also be something that women get judged for and men don't. I'll give you an example: I get called a heartless bitch for not dating a man who was nice to me.

Again, it's impossible to give you any sort of advice without having even an idea of what this was about. Did she injure someone? Did she put someone's life in danger? Did she post someone's intimate secrets online? Or is it something inherently sexist with you and your friends? I honestly, couldn't say. And without being able to make this distinction I am unable to give you advice.

We’re both women of that makes any difference.

It basically involved a very big lie - about something that she had made me feel terrible about for not being on board with for a few months. She went on and on about how I was unreasonable to not want her to do something (even though it was perfectly reasonable - nobody has disagreed with me about that at all IRL), and when she went ahead and did it anyway, I discovered an absolutely massive lie that she’d sustained for months. I’m aware that that doesn’t sound particularly bad when put like that but believe me, it was.

Lying erodes trust and trust is the foundation of a relationship. It sounds like you are trying very hard to overcome it but your gut is reminding you of the pain it caused. In your shoes I think I would consider ending things if it hurt you as badly as you say and are still struggling with it. Life is too short .

You sex doesn't make any difference, but your clarification does. It sounds like she was trying to guilt-trip you into doing something you didn't want to do using arguments that were false. Does that sound about right?

Along those lines Captskippy Although more like she was trying to guilt trip me into letting her do something that was very distespectful to me that I (understandably) was not ok with her doing. I eventually agreed to it after a lot of pressure only to discover that it was 100 times worse than I thought it was to start with.

Uhm, that sounds slightly different from what I just said. The thing she wanted to do, did it require any action on your part?

Yes, I agree with Captskippy it sounds more like manipulation to me which puts a different light on it. Sure she is sorry but sounds like to me this is more about you knowing she's fundamentally not a particularly nice person and that is what you're struggling with? The way she went about it.

As a previous PP said, trust IS a massive part of being in a healthy relationship. Maybe it is time to move on and find someone you're not going to be second guessing for the rest of your time together.

No, no action on my part.

The thing I’m struggling with is that she is fundamentally a nice person and a good person. She really is. The reasons for her lie and manipulation were due to her ongoing issues of being able to face up to any problems and deal with them. Since this occurred and I was so hurt, he has faced up to everything for the first time in her life, so she is genuinely trying to stop anything like this from ever happening again. Her actions suggest a sneaky, underhand character who is controlling and a total pisstaker, but the person I know is anything but that (and i have been involved with a sneaky, underhand pisstaker in the past so I know what I’m looking for). It’s the question of whether to forgive a decent person for a one off mistake or whether to let them go because that mistake was so enormous that it’s hurt me beyond repair.