Help! Little boy showing interest in sexy things, how to deal!

[dragonflyflew]

Good morning!
Advice please!
I gave my little boy (7) my old phone to play with and as was really tired (6.30am) had not set up parental controls on YouTube, had a look at the search history and it's all 'naked' , 'kissing' 'minkies' (our family word for vagina from when my daughter was a baby) and 'willies'.
From what I can see he didn't see anything too shocking (minky search brought up monkeys) but there were couples kissing.
I asked him about it and he panicked and got upset and lied, then admitted to it after I told him it's completely normal to want to see those things but he needs to be ready and prepared by learning about things in a safe and appropriate way.
He said his best friend (has older siblings) told him what you search for, who knows...
Obviously I will review all settings but I'd love advice on how to talk to him about this stuff and any recommendations for books or videos which will satisfy his super bright and curious mind.
Pornography was a huge issue in my marriage so it's going to be tricky to bring this up with his dad but we need to be on the same page when it comes to exposure and keeping the kids safe.
I known kids look at this stuff and talk about it, we certainly did when I was little but I don't know where to go from here.
I can't ban everything as I know how that could turn out.
ideas gratefully received as I'm suddenly feeling very clueless!

Should add, I'm a single mum. I'm very strict on screen time etc but I also have disabilities and fatigue and exhaustion which sometimes means I let them have screen time in order to get some rest.

I won’t lie I am incredibly surprised that a 7 year old searched that - perhaps more upset than anything.

Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s happened. It’s probably because the other child put the idea into his head. Just make sure parental controls are turned on next time. And perhaps keep him away from the other child who told him about it.

I would be concerned about the other child. It’s definitely a potential safeguarding issue. Perhaps let school know

I’m not surprised at all, it won’t be sexual at 7, just curiosity (and how many kids giggle at willies/bums etc, no doubt it was fun looking for something a bit ‘rude’ or silly). I’d make sure the security on his devices is tight enough to stop him accessing porn and find some age appropriate resources.

I imagine some of it is learned behaviour from your ex. Does he stay with him? I don't think I would allow access to internet tbh. Could he watch a film or CBBC instead?

I’d be worried about what the other child is seeing at home though. I’m not sure I’d be happy with my child going to their house.

I’d be worried about what the other child is seeing at home though. I’m not sure I’d be happy with my child going to their house

Agreed, I don’t think I’d get the school involved. You don’t know for sure that his friends older sibling has “told” him to search those things.

Thank you for all replies.
He has never been to the other boy's house but there's teenagers there so he hears a lot and probably sees a lot more than my kids do.
It is definitely part of their age as there's been several incidents at school lately with children looking at inappropriate things on their phones which has resulted in a phone ban at school for their year.

I will contact the school in terms of curriculum and if/ how this stuff is addressed as I know he'll take much more notice of them.
It is natural and normal healthy curiosity, I never imagined my child searching it but it's happened!
I want to tread really carefully as don't want to encourage any addictive secretive behaviour (what I put up with in the marriage).

I'm not surprised. Surely an interest in basic physical differences between the sexes is normal at that age? Obviously there will be variations depending on whether the child has older or younger siblings or how open the family is to nudity. But I remember games of you show me yours and I'll show you mine. I refused because it was 'rood'.

I'd be concerned about a 7 yr old being interested in the sexual side of private parts, because it's more about pee and poo at that age. My boys were obsessed with rear views of bottoms rather than full frontals which they knew all about because they had a baby sister.

Perhaps the internet has changed all that? Photos would have been difficult to find, except in medical textbooks. Yes. Certainly child-proof your phone. But I wouldn't be too worried about the basic curiosity. As you say, you did it when you were little. Could you afford a tablet for him with pre-loaded DVDs for distraction purposes?

DS is almost 7 and finds bums and willies funny so if it was just that I wouldn't be too worried but would still have a talk about what is ok to search for on the internet. I would be a bit more concerned about kissing and investigating more about what he'd heard from the other child and what was going on there.

We don't give him any free access to the internet at all now. If he plays an app on our phones it's put on airplane mode while he's on it and no YouTube at all, ever. I've had too many mishaps myself of it bringing something up I wasn't expecting!!

Good apps for his age are Hit the Button, Word Cookies, Minecraft, Dragonbox.

Otherwise his screen time is CBeebies, certain shows on Netflix kids or Amazon Prime (he's loving the Avatar: The last airbender cartoons at the moment).

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes I think YouTube is a minefield. I've tried them both with kidstube but they're very resistant.
We've always been very open with nudity here but lately I've noticed him being more interested so cover up more now, don't let them hang around while I'm dressing etc
I'm always instigating talks about what's appropriate etc, being safe and covering up, not letting them bath together anymore etc.
I asked why the kissing, he just said 'x said it was cool' and I asked him what he thought about it after he saw it and he said 'it was rude'

Allowing a child to access sexually explicit material is a massive safeguarding issue. If I heard this at work I'd be thinking about referring on for support around effective boundaries at home. You will NOT be encouraging 'addictive, secretive behaviour' by restricting a seven year old's access to sexual content. The fact that you think you will is a massive red flag around your own boundaries. Its good that school are on top of this, of course you cannot police what other children are exposed to, but if my seven year old let me know these things I would be speaking to the safeguarding lead at school. This is very different from looking up rude words in the dictionary.

I have to say I'm a bit surprised the school have had to ban phones for his year. I assume year 2 or 3. My DS is 7 and no where near getting a phone, even an old one we don't use. Literally no one in his year has a phone or takes it to school. They have only just been allowed a 'pocket toy' for wet play time. We send DS with a hot wheels car.

DS has been asking questions since YR as he could see the differences in girls wearing different uniforms. I got a book from amazon, will find the link, and talked about what was in the book. I've kept it separate from his story books and he's never asked for it again.

He does ask at the moment why boobs are a private area, his logic is you can't wee or poo out of them. I'm stuck for an answer because I've explained breast feeding and don't want to say that's private. But how do you explain why boobs are kept covered the rest of the time?!

I think you're handling it just fine. Just be ready for age appropriate explanations for a few of the most common questions and words.

We used this book.

Amazing You!: Getting Smart about Your Private Parts https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0142410586/ref=cmswwrcppapi_ueS3BbXJMND8Z

I don't know why people would be worried about this - in the context the OP describes it, it sounds completely normal.

When my daughter was about 8 she googled 'One Direction having sex' 🤣🤣

Awesome thanks Russell I'll get it!!
V interesting re the breasts thing, all of it is so confusing, I try and go with if they're able to ask and articulate it then I need to respond to it with the minimum info required.

Joan12 what a dramatic and inflammatory response.
Its not a safeguarding issue or red flag that I'm concerned about pushing it 'underground', that's what can happen if you blanket ban stuff, hence my asking here for advice about age appropriate material.
I'm trained in safeguarding and I have a concern regarding exposure which I've taken immediate steps to rectify and is why I'm asking for advice and why I'm going to speak to the school regarding how they deal with it.

It's yr 3/4, several of the kids have phones which they were allowed to bring and then drop off into the office before class.
Some were caught taking innocent photos and films of each other which of course caused a furore and the head based an assembly around it.
My little girl told me that kids had been looking up 'sex' and 'sexy' on their phones and showing each other the results. She told the teacher and phones were looked at which coincided with the phones ban.

Electrascoffee shouldn't laugh but it is funny. Thank you!
I know it's normal, it's just very easy for it to escalate with the internet, it's how we manage it that matters.

Russell my DS asked the same question and I told him that generally, any bits of human that are dangly, soft, sensitive or might get caught in a zip tend to be kept covered up unless in active use!

Have you put your sons YouTube app onto restricted mode? It’s pretty easy to do and restricts the content that children can search for/ access on YouTube. My nine year old and eleven year old both watch YouTube in restricted mode and are still able to watch their favourite channels without the risk of anything inappropriate popping up.

Have a look at the website for the N.S.P.C.C they have information on the pants rule as well as a helpline which they run in conjunction with o2 to help parents protect their children online.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/talking-your-child-staying-safe-online/

I found that teaching my children the facts of life and giving them each information about their bodies not only provided them with information, it took away any secretive desire to know something grown up. My children know about sex, periods, puberty, body changes and were taught in an age appropriate way using age appropriate books and explanations. My ds was 6 when I first taught him the facts of life, he is autistic and at that point loved watching David Attenborough wildlife documentaries! He noticed that my explanation of a seed from the Mummy and a seed from the Daddy, growing into a baby was not exactly how animals reproduced. I had foreseen this happening so explained the facts of life to him, there was no embarrassment, no disgust, it was factual and his curiosity was satisfied!

Obviously as he has got older, I have refined the topic and he has had more chats with his Daddy using books more suited for his age, to discuss puberty (which at 11 he has started).

This is the book I used for ds at 6/7

www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-Where-Babies/dp/1406357863/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=lets+talk+about+where+babies+come+from&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1541358063&sr=8-1

I used this for my younger daughter

www.amazon.co.uk/About-Babies-Bodies-Families-Friends/dp/1406306061/ref=pd_bxgy_14_2?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=1406306061&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=466c8fd0-3653-4c9b-86fa-f9bc8fd2ae35&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=oeR1A&pf_rd_r=65755F64D8FN3HMJMRAS&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=L9b1C&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=65755F64D8FN3HMJMRAS&pd_rd_r=00e9be3f-e064-11e8-9a86-056d0d37c5cd

I am using this book for ds who is 11 now;
www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-Robie-Harris/dp/1406356042/ref=pd_sim_14_5?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=1406356042&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=1e3b4162-429b-4ea8-80b8-75d978d3d89e&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=mD3q6&pf_rd_r=A51Z96M0YPRK42NZCJYE&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=LKPef&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=A51Z96M0YPRK42NZCJYE&pd_rd_r=344dde8b-e064-11e8-9a86-056d0d37c5cd

There are many other books to choose from but I found these were the most useful for actual discussions etc. They cover all types of families and relationships in an age appropriate manner.

CaledonianQueen your post is really helpful thank you. I was hoping for something like that nspcc link.
The kids' gadgets are all restricted, it was just because this was an sold phone of mine and it was 630am and I hadn't been awake enough to do the restrictions. Normally they are only allowed kidstube but I leaned yesterday they've been googling YouTube anyway because 'kidstube is rubbish' .
So I need to get stricter and I will read the link and make sure I do everything properly.

No problem, the helpline is very helpful, they will talk you through the different ways to protect your dc and then email you the instructions as well as other advice. I hope it helped!

Oh wow that's absolutely brilliant. I'm trained in safeguarding and have worked with vulnerable families and teens etc so I should know all this stuff but it's my first time dealing with it as a parent, so panic sets in and a fear of doing things wrong, missing something etc!

i think going by what you have said, its not really a big issue. Just put net nanny on your devices and computers. Children are often curious and they talk about all sorts of stuff in the playground.

Thank you lovely. Just a bit of apanic, much more calm about it today! X