The difference between an EA and a friendship?

[Wouldyouorshouldyou]

What's the difference? I'm married but becoming really good friends with a male colleague. We enjoy each others company, similar humour, similar likes and dislikes.

My marriage is stable. A little bit dull but then it's been a very long time and day to day life isn't exciting. I'm not looking for anything else, feel content and happy where I am. We do flirt from time to time in a humourous way but only as part of office banter. Now this is not something I would do with a female colleague. Which is part of my wondering where the line is.

He is in a similar position, we both love our partners. He has eyes for nobody else other than his dw and he is a fully hands on dad. He's a good family man. We talk about everything including our relationships, kids and we are very open with each other and yes we discuss our day to day frustrations with our spouses. No physical contact but we are very comfortable with each other and we enjoy each others company.

My DH knows, we message each other from time to time and I feel like I have nothing to hide. Rumors at work are (typically) starting up because he's a man and I'm a woman and we get on. We laugh it off, make it known we know and yes we do play on it.

On Friday I was making some drinks, he walked in to make some for his colleagues and he was closely followed by one of our other colleagues who had previously commented to him that we seemed to "get on well" and he jokingly and loudly said to me in a dramatic voice "you must control yourself, I know I'm a catch but I'm a married man". Other colleague rolled her eyes and laughed at him.

This got me wondering because he's a man would this be considered an emotional affair?

I think once you start hiding the friendship from your spouse is when it starts into EA territory.

I’m friends with men and would be happy to let DH read my text conversations (not that he would ever ask). If I was meeting one of my male friends for a drink and DH wanted to join us, I’d be glad and think the more the merrier.

If that’s not the case with your colleague and you find you want to keep the friendship discrete from your marriage then I think you’re on dodgy ground tbh.

That's a really interesting point. My DH and him would hit it off instantly. I'd really like them to meet each other.

I have no idea what his wife would think. I assume she's knows him well enough to know what he's like.

I agree with Space - You cross the line into an EA at the point where you realise that there are aspects of the friendship that you cannot, or would prefer not, to tell your DH; or you minimise the extent of your connection, which really comes down to the same thing.

I think his behaviour in the break room was really really odd.

He’s opening you up to rumours and gossip that risk damaging your reputation for integrity.

Rumours about male female friends in the workplace aren’t natural or automatic. Neither is flirting or “playing it up” together. Rumours start when the behaviour is considered inappropriate.

Would you flirt with him/play it up in front of your DH or his DW? I imagine not.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a friendship but it does sound like you are crossing boundaries here.

Sounds to me like this is already an emotional affair. You flirt with each other and you confide in each other about your marriages and spouses. If you wouldn't do either of those things if your DH was a fly on the wall then you are betraying him.

You are on a very slippery slope and have already crossed boundaries. You should stop this now if you really care about your DH and your marriage.

Sounds ok to me. You're both being OPEN and not hiding anything. Yes office gossip because they've nothing better to do. Both partners know and you're secure in your relationship. As long as it stays where it is it's ok. It's fine to have make friends and have connections and things in common.

@Beachcomber
At no point in any of this thread has flirting been mentioned.
People confide and talk relationships every day with friends and colleagues. So what?

My oldest and closest friend is male. He knows things the my husband doesn’t. Most people who accuse you of having an EA probably wouldn’t think twice if you confided in a female friend.

I tend to think that as long as the messages I send to my male friends are ones that I wouldn’t mind DH seeing them that’s fine. I don’t expect to need to show him but if I were to feel I needed to hide or delete them then I would see an issue. Same with any time I spend with someone; it does tend to be easier when you can all meet in couples tho as it blows away any worried thoughts from anyone

We work in a very large office and sadly affairs do happen. I don't know his wife at all but I'm doing nothing that I think my DH would feel uncomfortable with.

This is why I was wondering where the boundary is. Those of you who've said I've already crossed it does that mean that a women can't have a male friend and can only confide in other women?

I am pretty sure your DH would not be happy if he learnt that you confide in a male friend about your relationship with him.

We've actually just had a talk about it as I was concerned he thought I was crossing boundaries. Showed him the thread and his reply "so bi-sexual people arent able to confide in anyone without it being classed as an emotional affair? That's ridiculous, we all discuss home life with the people we work with".

Butterfly she did say they flirt from time to time.
One thing that is dangerous is talking about your relationship..you are treading on dicey ground there. Would you like your dh to be discussing you with a woman at work.?
Use that as your guideline...if dh did this would l mind?

I think you are fine. Its when you would rather spend time with the collègue then your husband and it becomes more deeper.

I have so many male friends that I am close to way before my husband came into the picture. Perhaps you could do a four way date night?

Mandala - more so than if she were confiding in a female friend?

You flirt with each other and play on the fact that rumours have started up at work.

Have you told your DH that rumours have stared at work?

If my DH had a friendship at work and rumours had started about that friendship, I’d expect him, out of respect for me, to put a stop to it, not play up to it

For me it was when ExH spent more time with her then me.... and would tell her things before me.

You're already having an emotional affair.

You know you are which is why you started the thread.

He's your go-to person. Why didn't you discuss the situation/this thread with a female friend, or your husband?

Are you happy to show this thread to your DH now?

I think this all sounds normal and it might be nice to arrange a night out with all four of you ? I think you will have a blast as long as everyone feels included.

I've shown DH the thread, see below. The rumours don't bother me, maybe because it's office gossip. I feel it's better to address and acknowledge the ridiculousness of them, than behave like we actually had something to hide.

Yes of course I discuss my home life at work. We work with each other 8+ hours a day. However, I do not discuss our sex life. That's private and of nobody else's concern than mine and DH.

I think the last bit for me has highlighted the difference between growing friendship and overstepping emotional boundaries.

Speaking as someone who is single but just dragging myself from the wreckage of a great friendship with a married colleague which got flirtier til he pulled us both up short, there were so many boundaries which, with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, were gradually crossed. Of course you as a woman can be friends with the sex that you fancy, it's harder to be with the individual that you fancy, especially if you start looking for signs they might fancy you too (all the while knowing it's totally safe as they/you are partnered up already). The red flag in your post OP, is that you're enjoying playing up to it, you're both imagining it as a possibility. I would say it's time to dial back the flirt, before a lot of people get hurt.

It’s not the confiding that concerns me. Friends talk to each other, ask for advice - that’s fine.

I still
Think the incident in the break room
was very, very out of line.

He told you “to control yourself”, he said “I know I’m a catch but I’m married”.

There’s overtly sexual overtones to that conversation.

And he deliberately said it in public.

I’d be very careful.

As PP have said - if your DH is okay with it and you aren't doing anything that you would worry about him finding out... rock on!
The fact you've shown this thread to your DH speaks volumes, as does his great response to it

Yes, office rumours start because unfortunately some people like to make up BS where there is none to get their kicks.

And as for the people commenting on what your colleague said in the kitchen... well... sometimes that's the only way to face rumours. Head on. Show you know about them. And laugh it off as the BS it is. I see nowt wrong in making a sarcastic comment to the third colleague about it

But also, as soon as you hit the point that youre saying or doing things you wouldnt want your DH to know about , then it becomes an EA

That's not an EA, it's friendship.

I think the test of what you could happily share with your DH is a good one. For me, it would be the morning Hey we do and about 10% of the rest.

What a stupid thing to say in the break room n add unnecessary fuel to the fire.