How much of your self esteem depends on your significant other?

[witchestiit]

I mean I know self esteem comes from within. But how important is it to you that your SO shows they are really into you? I'm asking because I've been with my dh 20 plus years and recently I've been having a mini mid life crisis of sorts, not running away with young hunks or anything like that, but realizing my life is more then half over now and although I do love my dh very much, I've realized that our love life has been lacking in that he's never really shown he fancied me, even from the very start. He was never interested in seeing me naked, not interested in lingerie, I'd put it on, he wouldn't notice, comment. If I ever sent naughty pictures he wasn't interested, and would delete them, yet looks at naked women online. I was looking at m&s slip the other day and thinking how pretty, but I know dh wouldn't even notice me wearing it, but he'd be excited looking at the woman in the pic wearing it. Sex always felt like he was doing it because he needed it, and not because he needed me. Very one sided, and only really for his pleasure for along time. I think all this has had a serious impact on my self esteem and as a consequence of his disinterest I feel I have let myself go. He says he did fancy me, but was an asshole and never showed it the way he should. He denys porn but I know he's used it and I feel that gave him unrealistic expectations for a long time. He's sorry now he older and more mature but I'm just so angry at how this has effected me and I'm finding it really hard to forgive him, especially since I know he is interested in naked women, just not me. Aibu blaming him or do I need to own this? Hopefully this post makes sense?

I left a partner after 30 years, and since then my self esteem has risen greatly.

My situation may have been a little different, in that he was emotionally abusive, but a long time of no compliments, being run down by him, especially on occasions when I was or could expect to be in a happy mood, all took its toll on my self esteem.

You and your DH need to have a proper conversation, especially as he's shown he can be attracted to others. He needs to be honest so you can decide if staying with him is worth it.

I think the unsatisfactory answer is that it depends on how much value you put in OH's opinion or anyone else's for that matter.

If OH isn't interested but you sense that other people appreciate how you look and your personality I would teach myself to disregard OH's attitude.

What might be needed to get him to change his attitude is likely another thread altogether.

Partners can be totally responsible for one's lack of self esteem. My former wife reduced me to a shell of what I was over a 15 year period. I was allowed no opinions, no money of my own, and ended up as just a puppet that she controlled. By some miracle I found the will to get out of the relationship and my advice to you would be to do the same while you still can.

Previously with my ex his ‘approval’ meant everything to me. My eating disorder waged war on me when I was with him because I became a sort of stepford wife. Crazy really and I actually blame myself for this rather than him because he would comment that I looked my most beautiful without a scrap of make up on and my hair a mass of curls. That relationship was very dysfunctional.

I’m in a regular relationship now where I don’t feel the need to look perfect all of the time, I’m not stressed to say no to sex if I just don’t feel like it and I don’t have to worry about him running off with someone else. Having a normal relationship has done wonders for my self esteem.