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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional affair?

29 replies

Issy777 · 04/11/2018 00:46

Please can someone explain what an emotional affair would be?
What constitutes one ? And what signs to look out for?

Also, is an emotional affair worse than physical? 

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2018 01:38

"Also, is an emotional affair worse than physical? "

Surely that is for you to decide.

What are you suspicious about?

No idea if these help...

uk.businessinsider.com/signs-of-emotional-affair-2017-6/#your-gut-is-telling-you-there-may-be-an-attraction-between-your-partner-and-their-friend-9

www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a21442/signs-of-an-emotional-affair/

I've not been in this position. So feel free to ignore me. Thanks

Birdie69 · 04/11/2018 02:17

My thought is that an emotional affair is when you don't actually meet the person. It's on the phone or online.

I had an online emotional affair for a year before I met my DH in person. I'd say that if anything, it is more intense than a physical affair because there is no sex, nothing physical at all, it's all in your head. And so your whole brain is consumed by "the next time we talk" . You honestly can't think of anything else .

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear, but in my case it's the truth. What goes on inside your head is often more consuming that what goes on with your body .

Beeebop · 04/11/2018 02:27

An emotional affair can be worse than a physical affair. EA means someone is sharing what they should be sharing with their OH (e.g fears, joys) with someone else. The person is someone to go to for emotional support and there is a connection. Physical can simply be a one night stand or can be part of an EA as it means to be intimate with someone else.

rainbowquack · 04/11/2018 06:20

To my understanding, if you wouldn't want your partner reading your messages, then it's more than just chit chat.

I would be more hurt if DH had a long term emotional affair than got pissed one night and had a ONS, I think. (But have no RL experience to base this on).

HalfGreekBitch · 04/11/2018 06:32

My exH did this. Was a work colleague.I grew suspicious from the amount of calls and just the way the way he spoke to her. I believe it was an infatuation on his side, nothing happened but when I finally confronted him after finding texts and emails that proved he had lied about being with her he admitted he had feelings but nothing had happened. Even after he stopped working with her and I called her up to say she was welcome to him (an invitation she declined) I still found communications from him. Whether there was anything physical or not, he was unfaithful in my eyes because by his own admission he wanted to be in her company not mine. It fizzled out but with 18 months we were done.

OldChair · 04/11/2018 06:59

The book to read about this is Shirley Glass's More Than Friends. It's very good.

I think the best indication is when you start telling someone your issues that isn't your OH (ie if you are having a bad day you tell the other person before you tell your OH), you develop an exclusive friendship, and while there is nothing physical it is still inappropriate in how emotional it is.

OldChair · 04/11/2018 07:00

I remember seeing this thread and finding it useful

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3168787-How-to-avoid-an-emotional-affair

Lifebehindthebars · 04/11/2018 12:30

I really don’t know why I’m on this platform. I don’t think I’m looking for advice. Perhaps I just want to let all my feelings out. I have been keeping too much inside me and I’m feeling depresssd and low. I can’t share anything with anyone.
I am 35 years old. Female.
I come from a poor background. Born and bred in a third world country.
Seen my mother beaten up by her in laws. Seen too much violence as a child.
My grandfather started to sexually abuse me at the age of 5. He carried on for 8 years until I was 13.
Those horrible years in my life made me a different person. I pretended to look very happy and cheerful at school however I was scared and sad all the times. I hated my life.
Living in extreme poverty I still managed to get scholarship for college and got into studies for Business
I hated to live infront of my grandfather.
I use to lock myself when he was around.
I was engaged to my cousin at very young age and last minute his mother broke the engagement saying we were too poor for them.
They moved abroad and he got married.
My mother had no money for dowry and she got worried to marry me when I turned 20.
My mother was over the moon when her best friend asked for my hand in marriage to her divorced son.
Her son was 35
Divorced with no kids.
I was 20 then.
My mother and father told that my marriage was fixed.
I was doing very well in my studies.
I had done masters degree in business studies.
But my parents couldn’t afford the expenses even if I had some scholarship help.
I wanted to get away because I didn’t want to see the ugly face of my grandfather.
I got married and came to live in London.
I have been married for 15 years now.
My husband has no physical relationship with me for over 10 years.

He has health issues which he tried to sort out but his sex drive is not active.
I am a very good looking woman and despite living my life without sex I have been a very good wife and mother.
I support my mother in law with her hospital appointments and her health issues.
I run around with my kids for their lessons, tuitions and sports activities.
I never let anyone seen pain behind my smiling face.
I have lot more to say too.
But I will come back and share more stuff.
I’m feeling so much lighter :)

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2018 15:17

Lifebehindthebars that is such a tragic story. Can you access any counselling? Are you in the UK now. Can I ask if your children are still you?

I am so sorry for you and hope your life will improve.

XX Thanks (This forum is great for talking).

Lifebehindthebars · 04/11/2018 15:37

Dear italiangreyhound

Yes I'm in UK. I have given myself life counselling over years.
I have been watching motivational videos and writing about myself.
Writing is a good way to relieve stress. It works for me anyway.
I have 2 kids and they both feel very lucky to have a mother like me.
I am taking part in a lot of charitable work and also I have set up my own business recently.
I try not to think much how tragic my life has been. I always look at the positive side of life.
Yet sometimes I do break into tears and start to move forward again. Smile

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2018 17:37

Lifebehindthebars you sound like an amazing woman.Flowers

Issy777 · 04/11/2018 18:31

@Lifebehindthebars
I'm confused why you've commented on this thread regarding the subject ??

Thanks for everybody's replies. I needed some insight. I can't just turn around to SO and accuse him of EA
The only one that applies to him atm is he's telling ow things I would like to keep between me and him
He also offloads onto her
Apart from that, that's about it but who knows???

OP posts:
Issy777 · 04/11/2018 18:34

I liked the thread but the woman writing it insinuates how to stop emotional affairs on her behalf

Is there any way we can try to stop them for our SOs as crazy as that sounds

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 04/11/2018 19:31

I think the problem is that in the absence of sex, the EA pair convince themselves that they're doing nothing wrong.

Then, before they know it, time has passed and they realise that they couldn't imagine not being in touch, that ending the regular chat would feel like a breakup because of what they've come to mean to one another.

EAs are very damaging. Worse than drunken ONS ithink

Orange6904 · 04/11/2018 20:45

@Issy Have you told him you're not comfortable with what he is sharing? What was his reaction?

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2018 21:00

@Issy777 I think sometimes new posters might come onto a part of Mumsnet like the Relationships board and not necessarily know how to start a new thread so post on an existing one.

I wonder if that is what @Lifebehindthebars has done. If that is the case, the go to the main page for Relationships at
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

and scroll to the top or bottom of the page, and go to

Start a new thread within this topic

I didn't want to ignore your post Lifebehindthebars. Thanks

OP are you married, living together or dating, and how long together (roughly)?

You say "The only one that applies to him atm is he's telling ow things I would like to keep between me and him
He also offloads onto her"

Can you ask him why he feels the need to do this? Is she a new friend or an old friend?

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2018 21:01

I meant new to Mumsnet not new to this part of it.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 04/11/2018 21:16

EAs are trotted our as no big deal but in reality, they are foreplay. They get to patter each other up, revel in the anticipation but placate their guilt by being able to say "nothing happened until we split up"....well that's what happened in my case. So yes. EAs are just as bad.

richdeniro · 04/11/2018 21:31

Definitely that @saltandvinegarcrisps1

My ex was in a EA for the month before ending it with me. It was horrible to go through as I knew what was going on but couldn't stop it, the pain during that month was the worst I've ever been through in all honesty. She would justify it by saying she wasn't sleeping around but was obviously constantly on whatsapp with the guy. When I bought it up I know it made me needy and insecure which probably drove her closer to him. When she eventually ended things with me I think that she had reached the point whereby she wanted to explore it further and physically.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

AlohaFi · 05/11/2018 12:22

My husband had an emotional affair with a work collegue. He had decided he wanted to end our marriage, since we had issues and our connection to each other was lost.
I understand how it happen, they started out as friends and it evolved from there.
He now says its over with her, but I find myself doubting all the time.
I dont know what will happen but it feels bad.

Bodabing · 05/11/2018 16:59

Another one for Shirley Glass's book. It covers emotional affairs very clearly.

InteriorLulu · 05/11/2018 17:33

My husband had an emotional affair with a sub-contractor. He started spending longer hours at work, had mentionitis - she was apparently the best coder he'd ever met, but completely unable to see it in herself.

He'd get home, shovel his dinner down (dinner which had been in the oven for hours and dried out), barely speak to me or the DCs, then open his laptop and 'work'.

We own our own business - equal partners now, but 18 months ago (when it started) he had 100% shareholding, although I did the admin and the books. July last year he told me he no longer needed me, which at the time was a relief - he was hideous to work with. I should have twigged then that there was something going on.

He started staying up later and later as she was based in Canada - so totally an EA, until he decided on a whim that he 'needed' to see her 'or else she would go and work for another company'. So, at the drop of a hat, 2 weeks before Christmas, he went. I could do nothing to stop him. The company lost £5k over those 4 days - flights, hotels, expenses. His time. He was completely taken in by it.

I believe he went to make the affair physical. But I also believe him when he said he couldn't go through with it.

What hurt the most were his comments when I finally found out. They were 'just friends', he'd done nothing wrong, and during what I thought was the unravelling of our marriage, she was 'everything' to him - they had a 'deep emotional connection'...one that he'd apparently never had before. (These, by the way, were things he told me at the beginning of our relationship).

Sorry for the long ramble, but I firmly believe that it would have been much easier to leave him had he had a PA. This EA shit made the decision making much harder - as @saltandvinegarcrisps1 says they are foreplay. They are like the beginning of any romantic relationship - remember how it was when you first got together? Flirty texts/emails/notes/phone calls. Seeing one another, but not yet having sex, building the tension. Yeh. Foreplay.

Thebluedog · 05/11/2018 17:44

I think if he’s talking to someone, and isn’t happy to tell you the amount or content of conversation then it’s prob the start of an EA in my book.

Lifebehindthebars · 05/11/2018 18:00

Sorry Issy777 , I didn't mean to interrupt your thread
I am a new user and didn't know how to start a new thread.
I have started a new thread now.
Italiangreyhound, thank you for your kind words.

Racecardriver · 05/11/2018 18:22

The thing about emotional affairs is that they are purely metaphysical so it’s impossible to create a general boundary. Every person has their own idea of what an emotional affair is and whether they even exist. Hhpothetically, what between two people would be a friendship would between two others be an emotional affair. For example. If my heterosexual and his also heterosexual best friend of many years regularly made time to see each other, spoke about their marital problems to one another, turned to each other for emotional support, had in jokes, preferred each other’s company to the company of their spouses etc that would be viewed by most as a close friendship. But if this happened between my husband and his younger female coworker then many would consider that an emotional affair. I for one don’t believe they exist. Even when these people are making declarations of love to each other it’s not a true affair in my eyes unless it is physical. Wives don’t get a monopoly on their husbands affection or attention but they do get a monopoly over their husbands sex lives. But that’s just me. For other people emotional affairs are very real and very hurtful.

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