How to start a tricky conversation

[littlecloudling]

I've feeling very despondent about my marriage. I really need some help about how to talk to my husband and to start a tricky conversation.

He is very defensive and refuses to engage or answer questions. Iver the past 6 months I've been recording behaviours to me which I deem unacceptable in a relationship. Basically he has shown the Gottman four horses behaviour. He has ridiculed me, stonewalled me (often), blamed me and been defensive. He shows me no love. Since I've been recording this I've become more upset at the pattern. I've started to distance myself. I had to do it because i felt like he was dismissing me and I felt gaslighted.

So, I want to raise these issues with him and hope that he can change and be nice. I'm also aware that in raising these issues he will probably blame me or worse just say nothing, put his hands over his ears and walk away. I need to tread carefully.

Can anyone suggest some good conversation openers. I am worried. I can't take any more dejection and I need this conversation to go well. I think we need some sort of timeline for change.

Personally, I think you are beyond the point of conversation. It's time for an ultimatum. He either starts treating you with respect and gets serious about repairing your relationship or it's over. Stop accepting this shit behaviour.

@Aquamarine1029
If only it were that simple. Believe me I've ummed and ahhed and I do want to have another try. He may not even be aware how upset I am so I need to give Some benefit of the doubt and try to repair. If he won't work then I will have to accept that sad face but I'm not quite there.

How is I don't enjoy living with you anymore. I need you to become more loving or to move out...

Well he's just walked out of the room before I can even say anything

I wasted years trying to talk to my ex. Complete waste of time, he was only interested in what he could get out of the relationship. When it came to any giving he didn't want to know. That's 20years I won't get back. Write him a letter but make sure you mean it if you say you will leave.

So normally I initiate the conversation. he complains I don't listen- This time I just sent a txt and said we need to talk. He has been sitting on the bed next to me for 10 mins and has said nothing. I've also said nothing to give him space. Could be a long wait!

It's so hard- leaving would leave me a single mum considerably worse off financially. I know if we split he will decide to work as little as possible and give me hardly any financial help.

I think that writing it down might be the best option, so that he can't turn his back on you. A handwritten letter has more impact than a text or email. Leave if for him next time he's home alone so he has the space to peruse it.

And if you tell him that you are prepared to leave if things don't improve, make sure you mean it.

Good luck.

He will ignore it. I need to speak to him or get him to speak. I've realised how he has blamed me and gaslighted me for years but in such a subtle passive way. He always said it was my fault that he didn't speak or open up because I talk too much. As I've ignored his unkind remarks and not engaged with conflict over the past 6 months, the silence has simply grown. IT IS NOT MY FAULT

hope that he can change and be nice

Wishful thinking!
He won't change
But you can change your response
Get your finance and other information in order so you know your options
Find out where you stand in a divorce

You are doing nothing but banging your head against a wall. Stop wasting your life on him.

Ffs it's been 40 minutes and he has still said nothing.
I will not be he first to speak. I always am and it changes nothing. And he will blame me for not listening. He's just picked his nose and eaten it in front of me.

So, how do I divorce?

Make an appt with a solicitor who does family law
Take everything with you
Hus salary
Ypur salary houuse equity
House costs
Pensions everything
Ask how to go about separating and divorcing and what you and dc would be entitled to In maintenance housing et c
Get practical.

Separately see a counsellor on your own to explore emotional side and what you want - you cannot change him. If he doesn't want to change he won't.

Most people start by consulting a solicitor. Take legal advice and then you will be able to decide to start the ball rolling. This marriage is over so finish it once and for all. You are waiting for an epiphany and it's never going to happen.

Get a solicitor, but starting tonight/tomorrow morning, start gathering ALL important financial documents. If you share a bank account, open another with just your name on it and put your money in there so he can't touch it. The sooner you get this sham of a marriage over with the better.

Make a plan.

Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand with regards to house/pensions assets etc.

Take copies of important documents and get passports, birth certificates etc somewhere safe.

Passive aggressive controlling men are rarely easy to divorce.

He's self employed- that will make it harder? He is selling his business and will be employed from next year then. Maybe I should wait till then.

If he's selling his business might well be worth waiting until it's gone through and he's got a job so that you can split the money from the sale of business and he will have a regular income that you can get CMS to attach if he messes around with maintenance for the DC's. If so, maybe start building up a bit of cash in a bank account in your sole name so you have some money to fall back on if hers being a complete arse. Definitely go and get proper advice from a solicitor ASAP though. Don't leave it until you are at breaking point.

Still nothing to stop you talking to him now about the gaslighting and his behaviour towards you but I doubt he will change to be honest.

I'm going to have a mental timeline. He gets until July 2019.

During this time I'm going to get prepared.