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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When you are not used to a nice guy and have all your boundaries up - help me work this out?

2 replies

fgjty5k · 03/11/2018 10:31

What to do when he's much more into you and wanting the relationship to develop much faster that you do?

The problem is I like him! I have talked to him about it and he actually said that he thought I just wasn't interested much because I am so relaxed/laid back about how things progress compared with his previous partners. He says he likes that I am not all intense and rushing into things, but also says I could let go a little more.

Bit of background - I have previously been in unhealthy relationships - men that were not emotionally ready to settle or men who were difficult to be in relationships with due to distance, personal issues etc. Fast forward a year and I've done huge amounts of work on myself and whilst I clearly have found someone emotionally available, i also seem to have managed to close myself off from giving too much to someone.

Let's call this new man Eric. Me and Eric have been dating for 3 months. I stay over at his once a week. We only see each other at weekends and often i have plans with friends that sit around that. All of which he has no issue with. We speak every night and I enjoy that - he is good fun.

But - I am never keen to meet in the week (he lives 50 mins away but is always willing to come over). I have never let him into my house - I want to at some point but just dont feel ready.

He wants to spend more time together. And although ive not asked him directly, i know he would be delighted if we made it "official." He wants to see me in the week and plan a weekend away together. He's just a very nice person and it's left me feeling pretty scared/lost!

I know the answer is that everyone goes at their own pace and that he should respect whatever it is that i want. and i agree with that. however i dont want to ruin what could be something special because of my background of dating arseholes and because i am scared.

there's no normal, i know, but how can i let myself go a little here? i like him and something tells me it is me, not him, that is behaving a little unusually here..

OP posts:
noego · 03/11/2018 14:33

Good guy or bad guy. You keep your boundaries. If he's in to you, he will respect that.

Lexia123 · 03/11/2018 22:14

Wow, I could have written your post OP. The details are uncannily similar to my own.

Like you, I had a weekend relationship due to distance, and I felt extremely stressed about the possibility of allowing him to set a foot into my house! I had a very dysfunctional relationship before that I think set the tone for this one. I am still very protective of my space, and find it very hard to let people in, it seems to be a form of self-protection!

My advice is to keep your boundaries but be honest about why you have them. I didn't, and tried to hide my anxiety, which I think left my partner feeling a bit rejected. It didn't end well.

Don't forget that you're not necessarily going to fall in love at the same time, and whilst he may be more into to you than you are to him, in time your feelings may develop. In my case it took me many months before I really felt something, but in that same time his feelings had cooled, likely because I kept him at arms length.

If he's a nice person as you say he is, then it seems a shame to chuck it away so just see how it goes.

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