Please help me leave

[callingtimenow]

After too many years I think I have finally realised that DH is manipulative and emotionally controlling. I'm exhausted and I just don't think I can cope any more. We have DS, 11. I have a full time (very demanding) job. DH has a number of health conditions, physical and mental. He recently had yet another 'episode' during which he made a series of demands including that he never has to go back to work. I am a mess. I don't know what to do or where to start.

Please help. How do I even start to get out of this?

If your going to leave get your ducks in a row first he might not let you go that easily especially if he’s expecting you to be the main provider. Is he getting any help for his health?

Do you have access to your own money you earn. If he's not working then you control the money and hopefully have enough to rent a place.

You have a job, open your own bank account if you don't already have a seperate one.

Plan
Decide where and how you want to live, what you can afford, rent, sell up and buy etc.
Who will Ds live with ideally and practically?
Can you make your job easier ie move closer/change job?

Work out an ideal life plan, then see what is viable.

Only then speak to DH about it...just remember he is an adult and not your child to look after.....

That resonates so much - I have taken all the responsibility for him for so long.

I have a bank account of my own ( I had to insist on it) but I'm supposed to transfer my salary into his account each month to cover the outgoings. I talked to him about finances, paying off debt etc, he went spare. We could make quite small changes that would give us breathing room if he did want to give up work, but he won't hear of it. It's impossible.

OP are you somewhere safe. Do your husband's outbursts give you cause to fear he might harm you or your son? If there is any doubt in your mind please speak to the police and then make an appointment with a solicitor with a view to obtaining a non molestation order / occupation order.

If this relationship no longer works for you then you need to decide what you want to do and set about achieving that end result. Do you own or rent as it will make a difference as to what you next steps should be? I would make an appointment with a solicitor to find out where you stand. Also, it would be worth you working out what help you could expect if/when you do leave. If he is abusive then you definitely need to make plans to get out for both your own and your sons sake.

It's more that he is controlling and emotionally manipulative, rather than physically abusive. Having said that, this last episode he threw my mobile in the toilet and told me if I went to work he was going to throw all my belongings onto the drive. He then - after trying to throw my DM out - drove off. I did call the police, they were great.

He is seeing the GP and a crisis team but he is quite secretive about these appointments so I don't know what is said. They have increased his dosage of anti-depressants. He's signed off from work but I don't know how long that will last.

My work is a bit of a flashpoint - he says I prioritise it over him. He also says I'm crazy and should go to the dr's and get signed off.

We own this house and there is some equity in it. You're right, I need to get an appointment with a solicitor. I could afford rent on a smaller place. At the moment I'm trying to focus on keeping things calm and keeping going, making myself eat, that kind of thing. I like the idea of trying to work out what I want. A quiet life would be good!

He's all quiet and down today, so I should be able to get on.

@callingtimenow abusive behaviour is not just physical. Coercive control, manipulation, intimidation are all forms of abuse. I'm a professional woman and have always done a difficult professional job but I was in a marriage where my exH was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive and (because I wasn't on MN and he had distanced me from friends and family) I didn't realise just how bad he was. When you have been used to managing someone who gaslights you or leaves you walking on eggshells constantly, especially when you have DC's your view of reality gets skewed. Life without him is immeasurably better.

Thank you, that was so reassuring to read. I feel terribly guilty about breaking up DS's home, even selfish.

Today he's doing the making me feel guilty thing 'sorry I've been such a rubbish husband', not eating, not taking his tablets. I'm trying very hard to just leave him to it. Yesterday everything was my fault and I never wanted to spend any time with him and 'isn't it a shame you did x, y or z'.

Op the more you have posted the worse it gets, stop feeling sorry forhim, stop worrying about him, stop making allowances for him!

He is totally abusing you...plan your exit carefully, get legal advice quietly, then leave, sell the house and get divorced, he doesn't have to remain a ball and chain dragging you down.

Luckily you are financially stable...one last thing, you do not have to get his permission for anything.

So, thank you for all the support and words of advice.

I can't quite believe it, but I have told him I want to separate. And I've booked an appointment with a solicitor. He was appalling on Friday because I wanted to go out for a drink with my team after work and there just isn't any way back from it.

He was at his mother's when I told him (over the phone) he is back now and clearly fuming but also getting himself organised to make things as difficult as possible. What do I need to do now?

I need a plan.

Get the divorce process moving asap in case he quits his job for 'medical reasons'. Don't move out and leave ds in his custody. Don't expect him to be fair/reasonable.

Oh I'm not expecting that for one minute. He's taken DS out tonight, supposedly to pick up DSS, but DS has text me to say that daddy is taking them out for tea to tell them something. So without any talking to me he's going to tell them we are divorcing. God knows what he will say.

I've managed to get basic financial details (he likes to stay very much in control of that, natch.). Just not really sure what I'm entitled too. Terrified he will go for custody of DS, but think his recent actions will count against him. But he's not working and I am...