Talking to kids about DV - advice needed

[usernamefromhell]

Can I ask people to please be gentle with me: feeling very vulnerable on this topic and the last time I posted about it someone tore me a new one on here.

So my STBX has demonstrated low level abuse in various ways for years, worse since I asked him to move out three years ago. Up until last night it was exclusively emotional and financial (threats of violence which weren't followed through, suicide threats, abusive language, demands for money and failure to help with childcare primarily). I have previously called the police and given statements so there's a record but never asked for him to be arrested.

I've had to tread a difficult line with this because have wanted him to maintain a relationship with my DD who is seven so have thus far resisted escalating this.

Last night that changed when I got back from a night out which he was angry about and he grabbed me by the hair and tried to ram my face into a kitchen cabinet. My DD (7) thankfully didn't witness this but did hear him shouting at me and woke up. He then started being verbally abusive to me in front of her.

It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me and I realised that enough is enough and I need to follow through with the police -- am giving a statement in the coming days. In the past I have given statements following his behaviour but when they've asked if I want him to be arrested with the potential of pressing charges I've always backed away thinking that the threat of this would be enough to make him calm down.

I'm doing this with a very heavy heart because it will break my DD's heart but I know I have to do it to protect myself and her.

I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who's been in this position as to what to tell my DD if the police end up arresting him and his access to her gets restricted. Should I tell her "daddy hurt mummy?" do I just say we fell out? She's seven so old enough to understand some of this but I don't think she's old enough to really understand DV.

You poor op. Sounds like you are very brave and taking the right steps. My dds (one of them the same age as yours) witnessed dv between two extended family members, a dad and his little dd 😢. I was actually just very upfront with them. Everyone around us was gaslighting and trying to downplay it, and my dds were confused between what they had seen (dad throwing child to ground and stomping) and what family were saying (she slipped over). I took them aside and explained some men are violent, it is never ever anyone else’s fault, it is totally unacceptable and they must never put up with it, and that I was going to ring the police for help. I saw it as the beginning of a lifelong conversation to educate them about feminism, dv, gaslighting etc etc. I decided in that moment that they need all the advice they can get, in an age appropriate way. I imagined having had mumsnet type advice from that age and the DIFFERENCE it would have made to my life. Don’t know if this helps as it was not their dad that was the problem. Have you also considered counseling? A trained counsellor will have tips on how to talk to her about this.

Petersfield thanks: your approach sounds very direct and sensible. I have always raised my DD on very feminist principles (its kind of hard not to when you're a working single mum) and violence has to be the absolute red line. And given that her dad has a predilection for this sort of behaviour she will need to be armed and educated against it to inoculate her against going for similar men when she's old enough.

It's more the broader ramifications of whether and how he will be able to maintain contact with her: I would imagine if the police arrest him restrictions will be imposed on him visiting her at my house etc. Does anyone know how this works?

bump: anyone else have any thoughts on how to approach this?

Is he her stepfather?

minty no he's her father

If he lives with you they cant put restrictions on him seeing her assuming the complaint has nothing to do with her then their relationship is irrelevant.

Adrienne he doesn't live with us: he moved out three years ago. We were married (still are technically) but divorcing.

See a solicitor 100%. My experience of the police and domestic abuse is that tbh they do very little if anything.

Regarding him seeing the child the police will look at you to protect her, a report will go to all the relevant sources, eg her school, drs etc etc. But if you try to restrict access or change it from what it is atm, it will be you verses him. Contact a solicitor and say your concerns. You probably need the back up of someone who knows the law and someone whos technically on your side.
Place firmer boundaries in place, he my stbxh is not allowed in my house, if he entered i would call the police, as i have done before. You can get an occupation and restraining order in place, this will stop him accessing the house even if it is still technically the family home. Its very hard explaining domestic abuse to young children, esp as you know this information may well be twisted against you if they then tell their father. YOu could seek advise from school regarding how to discuss situation with her, do you have a domestic abuse worker??? if not get one they will help you navigate the situation.
Your separated but hes still abusing you!!! he has to stop its totally exceptionable. xx

allalittlebitshit I have spoken to my solicitor about this in the past and his advice (and bear in mind this was prior to anything physical having happened) was that it was important to keep him on side and I should not seek to get a court order unless I had genuine concerns for my safety. If you'd asked me two weeks ago if I felt physically scared the answer would have been no -- he makes threats all the time but almost never follows through. Now he has actually done something physical I feel the picture has changed somewhat.

I don't want to restrict his access to her if I can avoid it for numerous reasons -- its far better for her if she still has access to him but I am now nervous for him to be in my home. It's my responsibility to keep her safe, obviously and if I need to restrict his access from a safety perspective I will. On the other hand, as you say, I am loathe to do anything which will antagonise him.

I don't have a domestic abuse worker -- what are they and how do I go about getting one?