My family is a mess and I seem to be tuck in the middle!!!

[julezboo]

Heya all

First off I apologize if this ends up really long I will try to make it as short as possible.

First off we have had one hell of a weekend!!
(my mum and dad divorced 14 years ago, mum is remarried dad has a longterm partner, both are usually civil to one another!!)

Anyway last Monday my SIL had a baby boy, mum runs her own business so cant get there for a few weeks to visit. So that my brother didnt get too upset me and DP scraped the money together for petrol and went down this weekend, had a great day with my brother.

As it was fathers day i thought it would be nice for my dad if went and stayed with him saturday night (lives 30mins away from brother) Dad was fine with this, although did warn me he was a bit down, we have just found out my uncle (his brother) has only got a few months left to live.

(complicated part lol)
My dad and brother dont speak.
My uncle and my grandad dont speak
My nan hates my grandad ever since they got divorced and doesnt want grandad to know whats going on, he knows he's ill but doesnt know how ill.
My dad wants to tell him. He has 2 sisters and another brother going off at him because he wants to let my grandad know.

Anyway, brother feeling a bit nostalgic since having baby last week, sil trying to persuade him to take the baby down, my brother said he'll make the first step and send him a fathers day card. I took it over when we went. Dad give me brothers cards for his birthday, christmas (gone) and baby for me to pass on cos brother doesnt want hi mknowing where hes living yet but told me to give him his mobile number.

My mum rings my brother and tells him about my uncle. Brother rings dad, they had an emotional 15 min conversation, there was no shouting, brother got very upset and overwhelmed (just like he did when he first got in touch with me and mum)

My brother then rugn my mum in tears, obviously very emotional, in the last few monthes my brother has found he he has a new nephew, they had a baby, he has another neice or nephew on the way, my uncles dying and mum is having a pretty tough time with her marraige.

My mum rings me, all defensive of my brother, she was also drunk and demanded i put my father on the phone, when I wouldnt she got annoyed, shouted at me, then said "fine you prtect your father" then she hung up!

I didnt let my dad see my crying i went upstairs to my room adn cried and cried, I have always had a brilliant relationship with my mum and just like that it seemed to be gone. DP was brilliant trying to calm me down, offered to ring my mum. Anyway mum rung back ten mins or so later and said she was sorry she shouldnt have put me in the middle like that, but i seem to be in the middle anyway, in the middle of it all, Im keeping secrets from my grandad who Im fairly close too, have to be nice as pie to my nan who is by rights being a witch, like a go between over my brother and my dad.

Me and DP are having problems cos Im so down and depressed (i have PND)

I have a 4mo that cries none stop and a 5 yr old thats going through investigations about his behaviour at the mo, we are in the middle of buying our house. I just feel like legging it and leaving the lot of them to it!!

I dont know what to do!

Despite all this happening sat night we had a lovely fathers day at least.

sorry for the length i just needed to get it out

Julezboo, great to hear from you. I spoke to you on a thread a while ago and had been wondering how you were getting on with the PND and the breast thing - what happened with this?

Sorry to hear you're having such a crap time. Families can be such a nightmare and yours sounds very complicated. I think you need to look after yourself at the moment because PND is enought for anyone to deal with. I don't have much experience of what's going on in your family but would say keep neutral and low profile for a while. Your Mum sounds like great on the whole. You've got a lot going on at the mo, what with the kids. How is your 5 yr old? Sorry can't offer much useful advice but look after yourself.

Julezboo, poor you. You've got too much to deal with all at once. Are you getting any medical help re your PND? You, your DP and children have to be top of your priority list right now, especially with having additional probs with your DS, house move etc. I know this is easy to say, and not easy to do, but I think you have to put the problems with your parents/brother etc to one side. They are adults. They need to sort themselves out. If you need "permission" to try to forget about them, YOU HAVE IT. Are you a member of any Mums and Tots groups? If not, could you investigate? You need some RL support. You'll get tons of MN, but IMO you need someone who can give you a big hug. Sending you a big virtual hug - but not the same as the real thing. On and off MN all day inbetween other things, but happy to chat as and when

Hi bighair!!

Lovely to hear from you too. How are things with you now?

As for the PND i took a downward slide tbh, they put my antidepressants up from 20mgs to 40mgs, so having the side effects all over again.

The breast lump turned out to be nothing, the doctor helped me pin point when it was coming and its round about my ovulation time so related to that.

Matthew is still waiting for his assessment but its getting easier at the school each morning now

Adam is just crying none stop all day, its his teeth I think!

Did things settle down for you hun?

Jx

lilo

thanks for your post I am getting medical help with my PND, I am due to start a pnd groupd this week, just need to dig out the day and time.

I have my first "mothers meeting tomorrow" just waiting on HV to get back to me about babygroups I am doing as much as i can to get out the house.

Big relief about the breast lump. Sorry to hear about the PND. Hard to tell what is PND and what is reactive depression to the stresses of life. Screaming babies are hard work - can you get out and about with him? Maybe get half hour peace in the car.

Thanks for asking - relationship with dh is much better - he is making huge effort to let things go and not expect perfection, which he'll certainly never get with me! Still feeling depressed on and off - I get myself in a state about my friendships and start thinking my friends don't like me anymore - I sound like an 8 year old!! Also worry a lot about medical stuff but apart from that, ticking along

Second advice from Lilo Lil, concentrate on your dp and los for now.

Julezboo, congratulations on all the steps you are taking. I know it probably seems relentless, but take each day as it comes and try to focus on one thing at a time. If you are having a PND group day, focus on that, and put your other problems to one side. When it's DS's assessment, make that your priority for the day. and so on. I know it's not easy to do, but if you try to deal with everything all at once, you'll get no=where and end up feeling even more down. Hope even writing it all down on MN is helping in some small way. Also, might not seem possible now, but try to look back over the day and think of something good that has happened - no matter how small. ie if DS has a good morning at school, or have a good chat at one of your groups, or baby quiet for longer than usual - reflect on the good things and it might take your mind of the difficult stuff, even if for just a few minutes.

Hi Jules

I have a very complicated, unsupportive, highly critical, messed up family.

Over the last few months due to a number of issues including my messed up family I have been highly stressed leading in March to a 'breakdown' when I was a few months pregnant.

Since then I have mentally divorced most of my family, I am not responsible for them or their messed up ways-my priorities are my DP, my DSD and my unborn baby girl. Everyone else can take their crap and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Id advise you too to look at what is most prescious and important to you and concentrate your efforts on that.

You poor thing, Julezboo. I agree with all the posts, you need to concentrate on getting yourself sorted. Do you have a friend who can take both kids out for an hour on a regular basis? It might help to get some sleep or just relax and read a magazine or something just for you. Constantly crying babies are very stressful, without everything else that you've got at the mo. There's lots of MNs sending supportive thoughts, if that helps any?

Julez - alos haev unsupportive family, though not complicated lieke your (MUCH!!!)

Thinking of you. You need to do what is right for your little family. Forget weird Is (i did)!!!