Dumped at 18w pregnant. How involved should exP be with baby?

[happiertomorrow]

Bit of a complicated one.......

I was with my exP for 5 years- not married but better for me as bigger earner/more responsible with money.

We have a daughter who is almost 3 and I'm
32weeks pregnant with a planned baby (miscarriage in Feb prior to this pregnancy).

At 18weeks pregnant, things has been ticking along fine, we had a recent family holiday, usual stresses of long term relationship but nothing too out of the ordinary. Then exP did the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation. We talked and tried to work on it etc then I discovered he was having an emotional affair with OW - a friend from 20 years in the past (whom i had never heard of before).

Obviously I was utterly devastated at the cheating, deception, lying, dishonesty etc and asked him to move out.

It's been a tough 3 months but I'm getting there slowly. He's living at his sisters in her spare room. I'm in the family home. He sees our toddler who adores him but is a bit flaky with her- late for pick ups, drops her off early if better offer, leaves her with his mum/sister to have beers with his mates. It does annoy me but he and his family love her and she loves them. Whilst he could do more as a dad, she is creating a good bond with her grandparents.

Now for the problems

1. He is not engaged with the pregnancy really and refers to the baby as "your baby". I've gone to NCT alone and he texted to day good luck and was sorry that I wouldn't have the supportive partner I deserve there (said in 3rd person and lacking any responsibility for creating the crap situation).

1. My family live 500 miles from me so I have friends locally but no family support. When our girl is with me I don't leave her to pursue my own social life etc but I do also enjoy spending time with her.

1. He's doesn't find the time to spend with our daughter/doing stuff to help prepare for new baby e.g. getting car seat out of loft but he does have time to drink with his friends and build a new relationship.

Would one wrong to go back to my family to live? Would that be putting my needs ahead of the kids? I really want to do what's best for them.

What do I do about birth and when he sees the baby? I'll have my mum as my birth partner and let him know when I'm in labour. I don't really want to have him around as he's selfish and insensitive about how much he's hurt me (not his fault how he feels about OW, just being honest etc). I don't really want him around when i introduce our toddler to the baby as think he should just get to choose the good bits of family life and leave the rest (including responsibility) to me.
Am I being unreasonable?

I know he's seeing OW and has told her all about toddler and baby. I think she's in the sidelines waiting to play happy families with him and my kids (the thought of that kills me). I really don't want that but also I need to it the kids needs and relationship with both parens first. What would you do?

I’d move back to your family. You need love and support - the two things he’s failed to give you!

He can still be a father. If he truly wants to, he’ll make an effort.
If you’d said in your post that he was a fantastic father then I wouldn’t be as quick to suggest you move away, but as you said he’s flaky and unreliable and doesn’t really give a shite, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to move away.

He can’t stop you. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to have a say in your life anymore. Do what’s best for you and your children not him.

Don’t tell him. Move and then tell him.
These “men” who are happy to beget children but not support them piss me of.

Move back with your family

Move home, do it now before baby comes along and the last few weeks will feel so much more calm with your family around you.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think technically he can go to court to prevent a move so far away. But would he do that? Sounds like he probably wouldn't bother.

In your position, you absolutely deserve to have more support and if it was me, I would make the move to do it. If he does try to stop you legally, he may not even be successful, but you might have to facilitate access, paying towards travel etc..?

The children can still have a relationship with their dad - when they are older they can have long stays with him during the holidays and he can visit them. They can see his family about as regularly as they see your family now.

It isn't ideal to take them so far away from their father, but this isn't your doing IMO and he has to take responsibility for it. If he shared care equally and was involved in your pregnancy it would be a different story. I think kids are better off with a fully supportive family network around them, rather than a flaky dad a mum who has to do pretty much everything on her own. Obviously, you will be 100% wonderful, but life will be harder without that support.

I vote do it

Agree to the move. You need to be supported and loved to maintain being a good dm!! Staying is putting his feelings before yours. Your dd needs you in a good place not a Disney father who has other priorities.

I'd move back ASAP. Why stay for the sake of someone who isn't showing a great interest already. Do what's best for you. It sounds like moving closer to family will be a lot more beneficial

Re the birth - his text message said it all. Your mum should be your birthing partner. You absolutely should do what is best for you and taking him into consideration here is really more than he deserves.

He can visit the baby when you are settled and ready to see him. The baby won't care.

I would move too; it won’t stop him being a father to his children if he wants to make the effort. You’re going to need support and he isn’t providing it.
Also there is no reason why you have to have him at the birth and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Ok make the decisions that are tight for you.

There are a lot of posts saying move but you haven’t suggested you want to.

Who would look after your dd while in labour? You could ask your mum to collect her so she can meet baby first.

Remember until baby is born he has no rights at all.

Ok make the decisions that are tight for you.

There are a lot of posts saying move but you haven’t suggested you want to.

Who would look after your dd while in labour? You could ask your mum to collect her so she can meet baby first.

Remember until baby is born he has no rights at all.

What do you want to do?
What does your gut feeling tell you to do?

You don’t need to sacrifice your happiness to facilitate his part-time, half-arsed parenting. If he’s cares that much, there’s nothing stopping him from moving too to be closer.

From reading other posts about parents who live apart, the overriding comment is always that the one who moves always has to do all the driving for contact visits. Bear that in mind. Not sure what else to offer but sorry you’re in this position

Sunny Jacq has a point but usually it's the absent parents responsibility to facilitate contact inc travel. Go back to your family.

You make a good point about your family. But what about your job - will you be able to relocate? Will your daughter miss her dad enough to make you think twice? Also, why not have a discussion with him beforehand about your plans, for complete honesty. If you do this underhandedly then he will harbour a justified resentment. Your daughter has two parents and you need to treat the other with respect despite his shortcomings.

I'd say move back closer to your family.
It's one thing breaking up and it's another to do it whilst you're pregnant (with a planned pregnancy especially) and even another to be a half-arsed parent, which is what he is from what you've said. Even most teenagers seem more responsible than he does.

You seen quite level headed, calm and maybe a bit too kind in this situation.

I would definitely move back with your family! I agree, don’t tell him allowing him time to stop you, just move! He lost the right to make decisions about your life when he dumped you callously at 18 weeks pregnant! If he is a good Dad then no distance will stop him from having contact with his daughter!

No one can judge you for moving closer to your support system! He has dropped you like hot coal and is already showing signs of disinterest in your daughter! At least if you move, then he will have to pre arrange visits, travelling some distance to see her, rather than picking her up and dropping her because he got a better offer close by!

@zippey your points are valid and why I feel so conflicted.
He's really not being supportive of the pregnancy which is extremely difficult but does want to see the toddler unless he gets a better offer. She adores him but is only 2.5. She wouldn't even remember him dropping her for his own hobbies at this age. If I wait up see how things pan out then it may affect her more.
I know I'm being too kind to him but he's still her dad despite being useless about the baby and a failure as an adult.

I’d keep a record of him lack of commitment to your DD, do document as much as you can. Move back to you family where you and your kids will have love and support.

Tell him your mum is your birth partner and you and the toddler are therefore going to stay with her until the birth. Then...never return.

No matter where you live I really do not see why you would tell him when you go into labour. Just get on with it with your mum and get yourself settled etc afterwards. It can be stress free with your daughter and mum and whoever you want.

When you are ready you can let him know and invite him to meet the baby. It really doesn't matter if it is a week later. He left you to get on with this by yourself and that is what you will do.

You do what is best for YOU and your DC.
Your ExP is a useless waste of space so put yourself first.
I'd be back to my family quicker than you could say - useless asshole!

One thing you could try is to say you will be living with your mum for a period after the baby is born for support. And you could then have a bit of time to think about how you and your daughter feel about living in a new town.

@zippey Yes, that's what I was thinking.