Unfaithfulness and children

[deceivedangry]

Hello, I am new here and need some advice from unbiased mothers.
My wife came to me at the beginning of the year to say she was unhappy in our relationship. We have been married for 22 years with 3 children, 20, 16 and 12. We had been having a tough time as I have suffered with depression for around 10 years but it has been bad for the past 3 years or so. She started to treat me really badly around 2 years ago, being rude and ignoring me. Rude to my parents and dismissive of me.
This was very hard for me to process as I didnt understand it and was so depressed, I simply stopped interacting with her and spiralled into a bad depression. At that point she said she wanted a trial separation.
I was devastated but resolved to try and sort myself out, exercising more, meditating, yoga and really trying to be more present and engaged. I also tried talking to her about my depression but she didn't want to or was unable to empathise or show any real compassion.
Ultimately I moved out to try and give her some space but it led to me feeling suicidal and having a breakdown.
I am lucky to have relatively young parents and a supportive family who took me in and now through 6 months of therapy and family love, I feel somewhat better.
I have since discovered that she was having an affair. I have challenged her on 3 occasions asking very reasonably if she had been seeing anyone even if it was an emotional connection and not physical but she denied it then finally admitted she had had an infatuation but that it was embarrassing and came to nothing. Last week I found out for sure that she is having and has been having a full blown affair - this has predicated the split and her behavior to me.

I am trying to keep things civil but I am angry and finding it very hard to deal with.

I need advice. Should we tell the children about the affair?
She doesn't want to of course but I have been adamant that if the affair is continuing then we need to tell them the truth.
What is the best approach? - for their sake not mine.
My worry is that they find out from someone else or my wife ends up with this guy and then I would tell them the truth anyway.
Right now I am just confused and don't want my anger to drive the wrong decision.

Incidentally the man she is having the affair with is married with a young child and has not left his relationship for her.

I know things are very painful for you right now, by you should not tell your children about this affair. It isn't the children's business, will put more burden and worry on their shoulders.
They will be knocked for six by you separating, and need to know that they're still loved by you both.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and hope someone comes along soon with more advice about the practicalities

What good do you think it will do for your children if they find out about the affair? Not being snarky, genuine question.

Why on earth are you even considering telling them? What will they get out of it?

Why do they need to know? Tbh it sounds like she struggled with you’re relationship the last couple of years and had enough by you’re own omission you say you were difficult. Focus on yourself and being a good parent to your dc

What if they find out and we have not told them?

I wouldn't be telling the children but I would be telling the OMs wife.
She deserves to know what a lying, cheating, shit her DH is.
If your DC find out they will ask questions and then you can answer them honestly. Together if necessary.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Affairs are devastating.
But keep working on yourself.
Be there for your DC.

Nice nit of victom blaming there snapp.....

Dont tell your children, it wont help them. And i doubt the OM will leave his family for her anyway.

The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the relationship, wherearemymarbles.

While there is no excuse for cheating, it does nonetheless sound as though OP's wife really suffered from the fallout of her husband's depression.

If they find out (from whom?) then that's when you set your own hurt aside and explain that adult relationships aren't black and white and that you and their mum still love them. If your wife starts acting poorly towards your children or treating you badly in front of them then they can judge her themselves on that behaviour. No need to know additional details about affairs.

Sorry you are going through this, I do get how difficult it is. My DH's ex had an affair and left him, the kids are now late teens/adults and still think their parents' decision to split was mutual even 9 years later. It's been bloody tough for DH sometimes to bite his tongue when the kids have blamed him when they see their mum struggling sometimes with the results of her own choices but overall they'd have been hurt much more by finding out their beloved mum was the one responsible for breaking up the family.

I actually think it’s best to be honest with them. In as neutral a way as possible.

‘When things weren’t good between us and I moved out, your mum met somebody else she really liked and started to see where it went with them. That meant our relationship has come to an end’

They will find out sooner or later. They’ll feel so deceived if you try and hide it.

You may not be able to stomach saying that to them but I’d encourage you to tell your wife to tell them. No name calling or nastiness. Just the truth in as gentle neutral a way as possible.

I’m sorry it took the relationship breaking down for you to start doing things to improve your depression (if I’ve got that right). Nothing excuses the deceit of an affair, but I can see why someone would want to end their relationship after living with someone who has depression for so many years. I say that as someone with depression. I wouldn’t expect my partner to stick around for years on end as it got worse and worse unless there were signs of improvement and I was visibly doing everything I could to battle it and recover. It’s not fair on the other person.

"‘When things weren’t good between us and I moved out, your mum met somebody else she really liked and started to see where it went with them. That meant our relationship has come to an end’"

See that's not actually telling the kids "mum had an affair" so personally I would say that level of explanation is ok.

Yeah... I reckon the kids will probably understand from that that the OP and his wife weren’t in a good place, maybe they’ll even think they weren’t together if he moved out. If they ask specifically ‘were you and mum together?’ you can say ‘yes we were’. Just answer whatever level they’re interested in knowing.

An ‘affair’ and monogamy, fidelity etc are probably more adult concepts than a child thinks about, if I was 12 like their youngest I don’t think I’d have thought to call it an affair or been incensed, I’d have just though sometimes people meet someone they like better. The sixteen and twenty two year olds will obviously have a far more adult understanding.

She doesn't want to of course but I have been adamant that if the affair is continuing then we need to tell them the truth. for whose benefit? I understand that you’re hurting and feel betrayed but the breakdown of an adult relationship is not the children’s place to get involved in.

TBH that kind of talk sounds like my eXH when I got together with DP (post split) he felt that DS deserved to know “the truth” because he hoped that he would hate dp and turn against me or that I would dump DP. It was all about him and ironically when DS got on well with dp after I introduced him to dp because he threatened that if I didn’t then he would, he completely changed his tune and decided that I had obviously brought DP into DS’ life far toO soon. Hmmm.

I understand that you’re hurting, but the reality is that this relationship is going to end anyway. Telling the children only serves to put them in a position where they feel forced to take sides, and that’s not fair on them.

If they find out you tell them that you kept it to yourselves because that's what adults do.

I understand you are angry OP but this isn’t your children’s business. Your wife’s sex life and personal life is separate from her role as their mother. You involving them is just not ok. What are you expecting them to do? Judge her? You need to read up on parental alienation and educate yourself. You run the serious risk of losing access to your 12 year old if you do tell. I strongly urge you to read up as it’s now illegal.
How on Earth are they going to find out? Your wife isn’t a supermodel and your business isn’t on the front page of the daily mail! Please try and calm down. I know it’s awful but go speak to a counsellor about all of this to work it through not the kids and for God’s sakes don’t put anything up on social media! At all times act with personal morals and decency and respect. At some point in the future you want your kids to look back and view all of this with a good opinion of you and how you handled it.

My kids are only young 10 and 6 , I made sure they knew and know nothing of their father cheating on me, it would absolutely kill them, they love him very much and I love them too much to let them find out, if your kids do find out then you can be there for them and tell them you didn't tell them because you didn't want to cause them any hurt, Im sure its their mother they will be angry with for not telling them regardless. I know its tough, but you will get through this x

Why not tell the truth? I think the children have the right to know why their selfish parent has chucked there world into turmoil. They will end up finding out sooner or later anyway.

If you cheat or have an affair you should be held to account

Children deserve the truth, better to find out from you than to find out from someone else.

Sorry - but you cat lie to your children. There are many ways you can be harmful - by over involving them, exploiting them emotionally, turning them against the other parent etc etc. But you can’t just lie and not expect to be distrusted in the future.

In this case - 20 and 16 are perfectly able to understand the consequences of an extra marital relationship - and frankly, so is a 12 year old. They can also understand that there may have been a relationship breakdown, that the fault is rarely one sided - but whoever said it’s ‘illegal’ to tell 12 year old child an essential piece of information when assessing the changed relationship between their parents - I think that is nonsense and it depends entirely on how sensitively it’s handled as to whether it’s harmful. But there is no pain free family separation. Children aren’t as stupid as many adults would like them to be.

I am very sorry that you have been burdened by depression and that your wife has found it hard to understand. I have experience both of depression and of dealing with the same in a spouse and I can vouch for the fact that both are very hard indeed.

I generally favour honesty with children and yours are old enough to understand. They are not silly and will know that things are not right - it might help them to understand what is going on.

But it is important that you talk to them about it together with no sense of blame - tell them about your illness and how it affects you and your ability to be how you might wish with the family. Tell them that your wife has sought comfort elsewhere and that, whatever happens you both still love them.

I honestly think it is far worse for children to be in the middle of an uncomfortable situation and not to know what is going on. Really, they will not be imagining that all is sweetness and light - they will know things are all wrong. And you can both help them by explaining it to them honestly and gently.

Advice needed please. My ex is a serial adulterer, a narcissistic dangerous man where women are concerned. I left him when my boy was 3 & divorces him shortly after whilst my mum was dying of cancer. I discovered he was having an affair with “our” friend who was also his PA. I have gone on to remarry & have another child, I’m perfectly happy & my son sees his dad for 3 sleepovers a week.... it’s been hard but we have made it work for my sons wellbeing. Now my son is 12, his dad is now talking about moving in with the women, after 8/9 years of an on off relationship..... she is STILL in the process of finalising her divorce (she separated from her husband a year before I divorced mine!) my son has discovered that his Dad is cheating on this women he plans to move in with..... he’s read emails & texts from this other women..... I’m at my wits end with anxiety, this is a potentially destructive situation.... moving in with her whilst he’s cheating on her, into her very expensive big house which he’s going on the mortgage with, her children trust him, my sons put in a horrible situation. I do admit that there is a small part of me that wants to tell her to blow it all out of the water, protect my son & her family from this mess! What should I do??

My apologies, I’m new here and added this instead of on my own thread & now can’t delete sorry!