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Original poster

How much physical affection do you have with DP?

51 replies

Thursdaydreaming · 02/11/2018 13:31

I'm wondering how much physical affection you all give and receive in your long term relationships. Not sex, but kissing, hugging, sitting close, cuddle in bed, that type of thing.

I know it doesn't matter what everyone else does, every relationship is different. But I am curious about what is common/normal. I get on very well with my DH but we don't have much physical affection and never have. At the moment all we do is a peck on the lips when leaving for work and one when returning home. I'm beginning to feel I want more.

I'm not the most touchy feely person, and my DH has complained about that in the past. But he hardly initiates anything either, and when I try, for example I might try to cuddle him on the sofa, he doesn't respond/edges away. If I bring it up though, he would say it's me that never shows affection. I disagree and feel like he only wants me to initiate things so he can have the "fun" of brushing me off.

He used to cuddle me in bed before sleep, but he doesn't do it any more and when I asked why, stayed silent and didn't answer.

OP posts:
BabySharkAteMyHamster · 02/11/2018 15:18

Have you rejected him a lot in the past op ??

My dp has always been very cuddly, I am on the.other hand am not tactile at all. Afyer years of me shouting at him to get off and moving away when I.woke up to him cuddled up to me dp gave up. It took a while to realise I missed it Blush and had been a bit of a twat regarding give and take. Plus my own reactions.

I actually instigate cuddles now and prefer it that way as it's on my own terms.

DBN1 · 02/11/2018 15:25

Thank you Trinity66 Flowers

hellhavenofury · 02/11/2018 16:12

We aren't naturally affectionate people, we very rarely sit on the same sofa on an evening, hold hands etc. But, we do little things like he will kiss me on my head when walking past and if I am cooking he will come over etc. I hate the thought of snuggling when going to sleep, I don't mind beforehand but when I am sleeping leave me alone haha!

NorthEndGal · 02/11/2018 16:32

We are very tactile, at home and out and about.
We hold hands, randomly blow a kiss at each other, bum squeeze , he will give me that smile when see each other that feels like a kiss.
We have been married 20 years

FrancesV83 · 02/11/2018 16:35

Me and my hubby have been together nearly 7 years, married for 1 and we kiss, hug and cuddle all the time. We're both quite touchy feely people.

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/11/2018 16:40

I am not touchy feely with anyone other than DP, but with him I could genuinely be touching him all the time and it wouldn’t be enough. Lots of cuddles, kisses, holding hands. We don’t have a lot of sex but we’re very affectionate and I like it that way.

Singlenotsingle · 02/11/2018 16:40

We sit on separate sofas in the evening watching TV. His cat sits on his lap and my dog sits on mine. Apart from that, he is very affectionate. I get hugs and kisses, I hold his arm when we're out, and we cuddle a lot.

catsandogs · 02/11/2018 16:52

I just said to DH today when we went walking around shopping "Are we took old to hold hands now?" 🤔 We're late 40's, together since teens and 25 yrs married. We are always hand in hand/arm in arm. In the car the passenger usually has their hand on the drivers thigh - my friend says that would make her insane - but I guess we're just touchy feely with each other. Each to their own.

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 17:21

You're never too old catsandogs the loveliest thing ever is seeing elderly couples still holding hands! Me and my DH always do and we're in our 40s too

BarbedBloom · 02/11/2018 17:26

We are both very affectionate so lots really. We kiss hello and goodbye, hold hands while out and about and hug each other often. But I have previously dated others who weren’t so keen on physical contact and I found that difficult

chickensaresafehere · 02/11/2018 17:35

Affectionate here too. We kiss quite a bit (not full on snogging though). We love cuddling any chance we get. We always have to be touching in bed & still hold hands when we're out (if it's possible).
We've been together 15 years,married for 10. Mutual affection is very important to both of us & our relationship.

pudding21 · 02/11/2018 17:36

I am a very affectionate person, all my Mums side of the family are the same (my Dads not so much). I was in a very long relationship with my ex form the age of 17 and he would barely touch me outside the bedroom, didn't like holiding hands, didn't like cuddling up on the sofa, would barely get a kiss in our day to day lifes. As our relationship progressed and some dry periods of hardly any sex, I felt bereft of human touch. I gave up trying in the end, because rejection felt hard. In the bedroom he was more open and affecionate.

Anyway I am now in a newish relationship with someone. He is like me, and I realise I missed it so much and actually me and my ex on those grounds weren't that compatible (we stayed together for 21 years). My point is, if touch and affection are important to you, but not to your partner, then it can make things difficult.

That said,today i was having a look at the 5 love languages and its quiet interesting if you understand people show love in different ways, and its being able to recognise that that allows there to be less conflict in a relationship.

strumpetblowingatrumpet · 02/11/2018 18:00

Absolutely zero. I get a rushed smash in the face kiss goodbye in the mornings and that is very literally it. We sleep separately too. And were only 35.

DBN1 · 02/11/2018 18:15

pudding21 I've just taken that test and the results were spot on for how I am now.

Athena51 · 02/11/2018 18:33

My relationship with my Ex-h wasn't very affectionate (for many many reasons). I've been with my lovely DP for over 6 years and we are very affectionate, lots of hugs, kissing, we have a lot of fun together. We hold hands in public too.

It's really nice to be honest just to feel so physically and emotionally comfortable with someone. I didn't think I would ever have that.

IsThisSeeSawTaken · 02/11/2018 18:50

I grew up without hugs beyond toddlerhood or verbal declarations of ‘I love you’, but always held hands with my parents when out. I’m almost 40 and still do this, especially when crossing roads. I also hold hands with my sister when shopping, though much less as she now has her hands full with two little girls.

DH was always affectionate from the start, took me quite a while to utter an ‘I love you’ in response to him, but hugging was easy! Lots of kisses on the cheek / head, random pats and grabs, affection in texts when there’s time to text.

@thursdaydreaming If you’re starting from different levels of physical affection, maybe consciously try to not resent the difference, and keep on gently pushing the snuggles. He might not realise once he gets used to the stealthy extra hugs and kisses.

Is he stressed or anxious about anything in the background?

LemonTT · 02/11/2018 19:20

Cuddles and handholds today with a compliment thrown in (he doesn't know what he would do without me; non sarcastic too). Thats pretty standard with lots of bodily contact, sitting together and snugging in bed.

But in the past when he has been stressed, and possibly depressed, then he can be remote and distant, not really present in things. I know the feeling so can empathise and forgive, after the fact. But it can hurt in the moment especially if it is a phase.

So we are generally affectionate and cuddly most of the time but life stresses can sometimes get in the way and impact on both our abilities to leave it at the door.

Original poster
Thursdaydreaming · 02/11/2018 22:01

@Trinity66
I know you said he used to cuddle you in bed but other than that was he ever affectionate towards you? Some people just aren't affectionate people in general or is it a case that he used to be but stopped?

I would say he used to be maybe 4/10 on the affection scale and now he's 1/10. So he hasn't been the most affection person, but there has been a change.

@BabySharkAteMyHamster
Have you rejected him a lot in the past op ??

Not rejected him, but I haven't been overly affectionate, which he has complained about. I'm also a 3/10 on the scale, which should make us perfectly compatible. But it seems like in the past he wanted me to be at 10/10, so that he could respond with 3/10. I didn't do that, so he dropped to 0/10 as a punishment. Now seems to have moved on from the whole idea.

@pudding21
That said,today i was having a look at the 5 love languages and its quiet interesting if you understand people show love in different ways, and its being able to recognise that that allows there to be less conflict in a relationship

Yes, that's true. The main thing to me is that we get on verbally and live happily together. Ive heard of the love languages thing but I haven't read the book, I will read it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thursdaydreaming · 02/11/2018 22:04

strumpetblowingatrumpet
Absolutely zero. I get a rushed smash in the face kiss goodbye in the mornings and that is very literally it. We sleep separately too. And were only 35.

I'm only 32 Blush Are you unhappy with this strumpet?

@IsThisSeeSawTaken
If you’re starting from different levels of physical affection, maybe consciously try to not resent the difference, and keep on gently pushing the snuggles

You are right, this is what I will do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thursdaydreaming · 02/11/2018 22:15

In my previous relationship exp was very affectionate but I always avoided it and never responded, because he was also a sex addict/sex pest. Even hands brushing past each other was apparently an invitation to have sex, even if we already had sex that day, and if I said no there would be begging, then anger and accusations that I led him on. I began to dread any touch. That was years ago though and I don't want that to affect me today.

I just want a happy medium I suppose. I feel like it is my fault because my parents never really showed affection (although they are great) and neither do I naturally, although I want to and try to.

OP posts:
Jonboygoodnight · 02/11/2018 22:22

I am a man and find being affectionate with my wife really difficult, almost to the point of it being painful.
This may be related to the fact that I neither received nor witnessed any affectionat whatsoever as a baby/toddler/child.

DonkeyPlease · 03/11/2018 02:07

We cuddle and touch almost constantly in private. It would be unusual for us to be in the same room and not be touching. We touch all night when we share a bed. In public my dp is known among friends to be very undemonstrative - but this has changed over the last few years and he is quite hand holdy now. He will even kiss me goodbye in public now which he didn't used to do.

I love it all. My ex h was big on PDA but it was a possessive thing. In private he'd push me away or be disgusted if I wanted to cuddle without "paying" with sex. It broke my heart. My life is a million miles better now with a fellow physical love language partner.

user1481840227 · 03/11/2018 02:19

NotUmbongoUnchained, what lovely memories for you to have of your parents when you were growing up :)

strumpetblowingatrumpet · 03/11/2018 08:26

No not happy with it but also feel a bit resigned to it. We're companions really. Barely more than housemates some of the time actually. I don't even have a clue on where to start putting things right.

Butterfly44 · 03/11/2018 08:44

Some people just aren't naturally affectionate. Maybe it's not obvious at first as one partner makes up for it.
My DH was like that. It never used to bother me until it did. And I realised it was something that would never change and I desperately needed it. So we split.
I would talk to your DH to see if it's something to work on or go to counselling even? Intimacy is an important part of a relationship