Consequences of a possible separation, anyone?

[Annie201200]

Hi all,
Me and my other half seem to be having more and more troubled times.
I've thought about separation before but I didn't know where I stood legally.
We've been together 15 years (He's 51 and I'm 35) we own a house with both our names on the mortgage and have two children.(8&10)
He tells me if were to leave him he'd get the children, he would allow me to take them away from him and he'd get the house because he makes more money than me.
However, I'm starting to think he's wrong.
He's never takes them to school or collects them.
He's never been to a parents evening.
He's never taken them to the doctor.
I work part time, in a good paying job (£900 average a month I'd say)
We're always waiting for him to be paid. He is currently owed 3months wages. So it's my wages that pay the mortgage....plus what working tax credits we get.
He'll spend most afternoons having a drink in the kitchen or man shed with his pals.
He does have the kids a Wednesday afternoon, cooks their tea and gets bath ready for them when I work late that night and he is a good dad.

He will clean the kitchen and downstairs toilet on a Saturday morning, I do the rest of the house because "you only work parttime" which yes I do but all my wagesbgo into the same bank account and he gives me £200 a month to spend, that's usually on kids and shopping.

Does anyone know where I stand, and if I could get a mortgage on just my wage?

Van you confirm that you’re not married?
The words other half / separation suggest not.

How do you own your house - as tenants in common, or joint tenants? And do you have any legal agreement to split the house equity other than 50/50?

That’s the starting point for understanding the house split.

You can get a mortgage, yes - unless you have very poor credit? But you don’t tell us how much you need to borrow to buy him out. (possibly half the equity)

First things first - stop this nonsense of him “giving” you £200 of your money. If you don’t have full access to money you earn, stop paying it into a joint account!

Are you married? I ask only as you do not mention any marital status. If you are not married to him, your rights in law are far less.

I think what he is telling you re the house and kids is a complete crock of shit and designed deliberately too to keep you in your place. He is not above the law here and he is wrong. Why would he actually get the children or house just because he earns more money than you?. This is all in his head.

Why did you write that he is a good dad?. He really is not and you know that deep down. Look at how he treats you and in turn them. He makes veiled threats at you re them to keep you in line. He spends one afternoon a week with them and gets their tea and bath ready. Oh and he cleans the kitchen and downstairs loo (both do not take up hours of his time). Not a big deal frankly and this is really the barest of bare minimums. He spends far more time away from you all that he actually deigns to spend with you.

Where are your wages going; are they going into an account in his sole name?. Is this account not a joint account?.
As for your monthly allowance that is also demeaning to you isn't it and I would also think that £200 between the three of you is a bit of a squeeze. What happens if you need more?. This all really smacks of financial abuse; he is using money here and your overall lack of it to also keep you with him.

I would suggest you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations today or at the very least asap to get advice and also consider seeing a Solicitor locally.

Do not go into any joint counselling with him because he is abusive towards you. Plan your exit from this now with due diligence and care. My guess too is that he is going to make any attempt at you separating from him as long and difficult as possible but this is no reason to not separate fully from him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here? He is also showing your children an appalling example of what a relationship is here. Would you want your children to have a relationship as adults like yours is, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Ultimately, and this would take some time, you’d have to go to court I think to force a sale of the house. I think the court could order him to sell to you at market rate (or he could ask the court to order you to sell to him, if you couldn’t buy him out).

Note the “I think” - this is one for legal advice. CAB may be able to give you some general advice though.

I would seek advice and asap from a Solicitors rather than the CAB as this needs more detailed legal advice that what they could provide.

Oh absolutely. But I was pre-empting OP saying she didn’t have much money, seeing as her boyfriend is taking hers and doling out the pocket money!

This definitely needs legal advice, but understanding the generic basics from CAB could save money by saving time going to a solicitor already clued up. Just the CAB website will help.

We are unmarried. Both our names are on the mortgage and bank account.

The house was £148k in 2006 when bought it. Weve extended it since then and think it's worth about 275k now.

You will still need to seek legal advice re the property, children and finances.

Those numbers don’t give us enough to go on.

£148K - but your mortgage was probably less a deposit?
What matters is what equity is in the house - what it’s worth now, less the mortgage you still owe. If you’ve been overpaying the mortgage for years after putting down a big deposit, that’s totally different than if you’ve been on a 100% mortgage (possible in 2006) and paying back interest only.

How much do you owe now?

Some very very rough numbers and some high assumptions here... £148K, rough 10% deposit, borrowed over 25 years at 3% - you’d owe about £80K now. So equity would be £195K, so if you own it 50/50 you need a mortgage of nearly £180K - £100K ish to buy him out, and £80K to carry on paying off the original loan.

That’s doesn’t sound realistic on a £900 a month take home - but you don’t say how part time you are - maybe you can increase your hours?

You need to get your head around your real numbers, and you need to be sure how you own the house. I would prepare yourself mentally that staying in the house may not be possible - and start thinking about what mortgage you could get to add to the equity from the existing house to buy something cheaper.

Some lenders will include maintenance in their lending calculation - but you’d need a broker to find one.

You can do this, you don’t need to stay with him. He may get the house if he can afford to buy you out, and you can’t afford to buy him out. But that’s no bad thing - fresh start for you! You really do need proper advice and to plan this carefully. He’s just being a bullying arse over the children - he’s not going to get sole access to them!

Firstly he’s so full of shit his eyes should be brown! There’s no way the courts would remove your children from your custody and I have a feeling you’d keep house for now but I’m not a solicitor and it sounds like you really need one stat

He's talking out of his arse.
Unfortunately for him, it's not about taking the kids away from him, the kids stay wherever you stay because you are the primary carer. Your employment statuses show this is the case.

Who's going to take them to school, the doctors and attend their parents evenings if he holds them hostage with him?

Re the house - he doesn't earn more than you though does he? He hasn't brought any money in to the house for the last 3 months. It sounds like none of you will get the house as a split will likely force a sale.

If he wants to keep it, let him! He'd have to buy you out, which sounds unlikely given his reliance on your part-time wages. If he managed it, it put you in an excellent position for getting a mortgage and you can skip off merrily and get somewhere of your own.

Don't let him scare you into staying. They are empty threats

Thanks all.
I've made an appointment with a solicitor and I have latest mortgage statement so going to go see them and also I have 6 months wages slips.
I'm going to see what's what and get my ducks lined up.
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