What would you do?

[Bubblesandcake]

My dad wasn't a great husband to my mum and so my mum tells me he wasn't really interested in us as kids. They divorced when I was 12 and o didn't have much to do with him as a teen. Forgot birthdays, didn't make an effort at Christmas and had no interest in what i was doing. When I had dc's myself, he was around but not completely around. Hes continued to forget birthdays and when he remembers its usually a bar of chocolate. 8 years ago I went through a divorce and he helped me out financially (paid my mortgage arrears of around 1.5k). My dad has always been financially ok but doesn't like spending money. He has already started moaning about Christmas. I have to go shopping every year with him to buy presents for people that he really doesn't want to. Last year I made sure I saved him some money and 3 pound was spent on all the grandchildren.
I invite him to birthdays and Christmas but its like he cones because he has to. When he visits (he hasn't in 4 months) he sits and watches as I mow the lawn, cook food, and make tea and would never even think of offering to help.
He has just missed another 2 birthdays. I have decided I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm always trying to keep this relationship going with nothing back. During the summer I was helping him with paperwork as he was selling his property. I have always made sure he isn't alone (even though me and my dd's have spent Christmas alone when he had decided to go to my aunt's.
Anyway. He has just been paid quite alot of money for a pension. 6 months ago he said when I get my money I will give you 1k. 4 months ago he rang to say he had it. He hasn't visited since. I have bumped into him 3 times and on all occasions he has said, we will have to sort that money out. The last time I bumped into him he asked why I hadn't been down to collect the money. I explained I had been busy working/studying etc.
What would you do? I really could do with some money as me and my dd's struggle every day as I am a single parent studying and working. We are all desperate for winter clothes. I don't want to ask for it. I really wish I could say. I don't want your money. I know he has stayed away because he doesn't want to spend it. Before he had this pay out. I said for him to enjoy life, go on a cruise (he said no), buy a camper and a bike (he said no), treat yourself to some clothes (he has socks with holes in). He has grandchildren he could spend time with and he chooses the pub most days. I have offered to help him set up internet to look for single holidays/groups but he isn't interested.
Do I accept money from him and go and buy my dd's some nice clothes or carry on as we usually do and make do.
I have recently seen a counsellor regarding my upbringing and I'm really trying to put the guilt aside when it comes to how I feel about my parents and put me first.

hhhmmm its a tough one, I mean normally I'd say if you're trying to cut ties with him don't take the money but then again I'm not struggling for money so it's easy for me to say that. You've done alot for him with little back and you got very little from him when you were child as well so if you really need it, take it I think

Meet up with him.

Say you want to discuss two things with him. Money and relationships.

Make it clear that these are two different topics, and because you're family, you don't want to conflate these.

Talk about the money first. A simple "You said you wanted to give me some money. Is this still true? Yes/No. If yes, I could use it today because I need to get set for winter. If no, I can make other plans. If yes, can you please do the transfer as soon as you get home, because I don't want to hassle you for it.

Once that's been resolved, move onto the relationships. Make it clear that this is completely seperate to the money discussion, and him giving/not giving you money is irrelevant. Point out that you feel he isn't interested for all the reasons you explained above. Tell him you're not his wife or his mother, and it's not your job to nag him. Give him a printed list of dates (in large type, that can be read off a wall) of any significant occasions e.g. birthdays, christmas, half terms etc. Give him the list and say that he's very welcome to attend any of these, or indeed pop round for a cuppa, but you're done with reminding/hassling/forcing him into turning up. He's a big boy and can make his own life choices but you're done with the emotional chores involved with trying to get him involved.

Ball in his court. See what happens.

My dm was rubbish.
Was a rubbish dgm.
She sends cash for Christmas, I accept because it's a tough time financially, she has some guilt reduced, win win.
Accept he is rubbish, pointless having a big chat about it. Take the cash, say thank you and mean it.

If you need the money I would politely call and ask if this is still on offer, if it is then take it and say how much you appreciate it (as you do). But after that I wouldn't cut contact, but I would just stop initiating contact/visits and leave it up to him.

Sorry to say no amount of 'chats' will suddenly turn him into an interested father and grandfather. This is who he is.
I feel your sadness, op, but speaking from experience my dad is exactly the same, was a very disinterested father to me and shows even less to his only grandchild. Accept it is his loss and concentrate on the friends and family that are there for you.

Thankyou everyone.
Great advice here which has helped, thanks again.

Santaisgettingbusy and Ruddygreattiger2016 I'm sorry to hear this. I'm really trying hard not to allow my parents behaviours affect me from now on. I have spent too long doing so. I just had this over bearing feeling of guilt as it made me dislike them. I am learning how to deal with this. It's getting easier.