Boyfriend sex drive/masturbation

[Annoyedandupset12]

Hi

Need some advice and to rant really. Bit of history- me and my boyfriend have been together about a year and a half. Up until recently it was long distance but he has now relocated and lives very close to me (he already owned a house here). He has always said he isn’t very sexually driven- but when he lived further away he masturbated often out of habit/boredom.

So he moved back, and we probably have sex 1-2 times a week. Mostly initiated by me, sometimes mutual. It’s always great and he never has a problem getting hard or orgasming. But he has always said he never thinks to have sex and could easily do without it. says he has a low sex drive. My problem is I am getting tired of initiating it, I want to feel wanted, and I have noticed that he masturbates pretty much daily when he’s not seeing me (I have kids so we don’t spend every night together). The problem is, when we do see each other, he’s not trying it on with me. He’s admitted that wanking decreases his sex drive and says he doesn’t do it nearly as often now he’s moved back. But I am deeply hurt and mad that he will happily wank on a daily basis but isn’t bothered about sex and if I didn’t initiate I do wonder how often we would have it.

If he truly had a low sex drive, why masturbate daily?

I should add that all other areas of the relationship are perfect, he’s very touchy freely and affectionate, finds me attractive so I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t fancy me. We get along really well in all other areas.

I don’t know how to approach it with him but I am very upset and angry. I don’t want to cause huge issues but at the same time I can’t see myself just getting over it. Any ideas?!

To add, he is 36 and i am 33.

I'd bin him off TBH. If he's not all over you in this honeymoon period, imagine what it's gonna be like in a year when you've moved in together and heard each other farting, washed each others' skidmarks and argued about whose turn it is to wash up?

Don't fall into the trap of thinking "oh but I've put years into this and now he's finally local I don't want to have wasted all that time." That's the Sunk Costs Fallacy. If it's not right, it's not right, and many an LTR comes to an end when you're seeing each other much more often and facing the daily reality of each others' personalities.

Run for the hills. Things are only going to get worse.

I agree, it probably isn't going to get better. Just not sure i want to give up on something which in every other area is great. Sex IS a big area, i grant you. But is it enough to ditch someone completely? With another guy, the sex may be matched but the connection not. So difficult :(

I thought about asking him to cut down on masturbation..

He sounds like a lazy bastard tbh.

He wants the climax (so wanks) but cba putting effort in to having sex as them he'd have to make it pleasurable for you.

He's probably got a fetish/porn addiction like most of them seem to now.

Let him live in his fantasy wank world and move on from him. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

He's lying when he says he has a low sex drive. He has a porn addiction /obsession that's dampened his desire for relationship type of sex. I'd put money on it. Think long and hard how good this relationship really is. I suspect your resentment will grow and his secret habit will continue and escalate. Do you really want to put up with this long term?

Leave him to his self-pleasuring lifestyle and find someone who actually wants to have a sex life that includes you. He sounds like a selfish sod and his behaviour is unlikely to change. You deserve better.

He is definitely lazy in a lot of areas.. so this would seem to fit :( i think he's so used to being on his own and living in solitude that maybe he is used to porn.

However, when he was in his twenties he married early (and was divorced by 29), he said his wife complained then and wanted it all the time, its been an issue in his other long term relationship too. He said in his teens and early twenties sex was all he could think about (as with all men), and then petered out.

Unfortunate problem is, I really really love him.

Hate to say this but he's lying. His porn habit/fetishes leading to him being unable to have a normal healthy sex life is no doubt what killed his past relationships. I'd put money on it. You say you really love him but does he really love you? Are you prepared to be the poor mistress to porn?

Obviously you have to talk it through with him OP, so at least you both fully know what the score is re porn etc. Then you have to make your decision based on the fact that, whatever he says and almost whatever he ideally wants, he is unlikely to fundamentally change his habits

Ps I don't think there's anything wrong with maturation and porn as such. But when it interferes with a person's ability to have a normal healthy sex life as part of a relationship there's more to it. If you done some digging I bet he's into all sorts and it probably takes up an unhealthy chunk of his day.

Masturbation not maturation

Well when i look at the "average' a couple our age has sex, it is 1-2 times a week. Sometimes i would want it more, but like i said before, i would like to feel like he 'wanted' me, he says he just doesn't think of sex and wanking is like a thing he will sometimes do out of habit before bed.

When he first moved back a month ago he def wasn't doing it that often (don't want to go into detail but lets just say there was a lot of semen when he ejaculated and he said he wasn't doing it due to change of habit/routine etc)...but then when we had a brief discussion the other night (which he initiated) about him worrying about the frequency of sex being becoming an issue, i did mention that if wanking is decreasing his drive, don't do it, he then said he hadn't done it in well over a week and didn't do it nearly as much as he used to when living elsewhere.. But when i went to his house last night, there were 2/3 pairs of pants in his room (his house is being renovated so no furniture to put stuff away!!) from this week and they all had semen stains on them.

Sorry- i know its TMI. I don't know how to broach the conversation, he already knows something is up as I left in a hurry this morning and couldn't really talk to him. I feel so so hurt. I wouldn't mind if he wanked and desired sex more.

I love my husband, but I knew early on sex was an issue. Naively believed I could fix it.

Now I'm bitter and full of resentment for the man I love, and I'm assuming it will only get worse.

Leave while it's still early.

Please re read my messages-you're answer is there. With all due respect and I mean this in the nicest possible way - you're being naive. You're dating a porn addict. Real life 'vanilla' sex is not what this man is in to. I'd find yourself somebody interested in a real life relationship. This guy ain't. I'd hate to see you posting here in a decade saying how you've found out he's been using online escorts and web chats and such like. It's usually where it leads. Get rid. Best of luck

Sorry to say but I think this is porn related too.

I read threads all the time where people have little niggles about their partners..... and the response is worrying.
Bin him off
Get rid
Leave him etc etc etc

Really??
Are people that easy to give up on relationships that they’ll happily ditch their partner coz he likes a wank!??
What’s wrong with talking? Working things out? Improving a relationship that isn’t ‘perfect’????

Don’t ditch your man coz he likes to toss off to porn.
I’d show him what sex could really be like..... dress up for him.... get naughty...
Show him if he puts in effort then the reward is much better than a wank to porn!

Jesus!..... It’s too easy nowadays to get rid and go find the next one on Tinder.....

The problem isn't sex or lack of it. It's that he is showing lack of attraction towards you. He should be ALL OVER YOU at this stage.
I'm shocked he's only 36. He sounded 59.
He's lazy.

@MumOf5Monsters

Have you had the misfortune of being married to a porn addict? I seriously doubt it if you think dressing up and acting "naughty" could easily change someone addicted to porn...
Useless advice

You love him now, but the frustration you feel is gonna be followed by anger and resentment before long. This is the honeymoon period of your relationship where a couple are usually all over each other like a rash.
Knowing someone prefers a wank to making love with you will destroy your self confidence and make you doubt your sexual attractiveness.
These things rarely get better. He is who he is. Unless you want to feel like a sex pest, you either accept it or move on.

I would bet my house on a porn problem. I know where this leads and it’s soul-destroying. I’d get out now if I were you!

This is a red flag

Too much porn

Will likely turn abusive

Get out while you can OP

freedomprogramme.co.uk

Is "lazy" the right way to look at it? That makes it sounds like sex is a chore which he has to get out of the way, like doing the dishes. You should want him to have sex because he wants to and because he enjoys it more than wanking, not because he's forcing himself to.

So for some reason he enjoys wanking more than actual sex. Perhaps he does a have a lower than average libido which would contribute to that, although if he's wanking to completion every day it can't be that much lower than average. Whatever his issues, its going to be a lot of work trying to get him to change. Probably too much.