Long term future as companions more than lovers

[Snorkers]

Sorry if this is long - i did not want to drip feed.

I'm 40, husband 36, married 2.5 years and together almost 10.
I met my (now) husband 2 years after getting out of a c. 7 year on/off complicated emotionally abusive and occasionally physically aggressive relationship. The guy was a total arsehole but the daily + sex was (as often is with wankers) amazing.

There was not world-stopping passion like with Mr Arsehole but I fancied him for sure and we enjoyed sex, he was not hugely confident and not as experienced as Mr Arsehole but I thought that was a small price to pay for everything else being so great.

My husband is a great guy, decent, caring, we share a wicked sense of humour and always make each other laugh, love hanging out together and we have a shared vision for the future (no kids, both happy with this, similar outlook on a possible downsize to another distant part of the country in a few years).

After just 6 months we were only having sex every 2-3 weeks. He found it hard to talk about, I tried initiating, games etc, to no avail.

He had told me at the outset he did not use porn as did not agree with it, but after about 6-7 months I used his phone to check something totally innocent like the weather his last visited (porn) site popped up.

We rowed, I used to have quite bad jealousy partly as a result of Mr Arsehole cheating on me countless times, we argued A LOT about this porn /sex issue and after about 1.5 years had relationship and individual counselling. He I am almost sure had/has a porn addiction as he was one of the first generations to grow up with it.

My husband was patient with the jealousy and i with his lack of wanting sex, and together we got through this and I am totally free of the jealousy now, it was lifechanging.

But the sex never really improved.

Years ago we did have one final almighty row (he was drunk) and told me he had only ever loved his ex who he was with for just a year. (huge apologies the next day).

I saw his wank bank hard drive years ago of almost anorexia-thin looking girls, just like his ex. So he has a type.

I'm just a size 8-10, not fat at all but certainly not that thin. He has stated when asked that he 'just doesn't want to have sex with me as much as he would like'.

I thought I'd learnt to live with this and we have been pootling along quite happy, sex every 4-6 months, but there's no passion from either side now. I know i am not desired and that in turn has killed any desire for him., but as we are now contemplating a move away together i'm asking myself can i do this for another 40 years? Is a life with no sex a healthy life? Will one of us end up going elsewhere?

The thought of splitting up in almost unbearable, i love him so much and he I, and we are otherwise so happy, we are great friends and never annoy each other, but i know there is a more fulfilling and whole life to be had, if i'd never met Mr Arsehole i'd probably just settle for this.

I don't know what to do. I miss sex and intimacy and am so sad not to have it in my life.

Can you not negotiate a non monogamous relationship where you meet each others emotional needs and work and act as a team but both of you can seek sexual arrangements with others?

Nah sorry told you he only ever loved his ex and avoids sex with you, no I'd be getting out now, you're only 40, he's making it pretty clear he has no desire for you, he might piss off anyway himself if he meets someone else. I don't see how you can stay long term without having sex, I know you do but it sounds way lacking in any substance or frequency.

What Adora10 wrote here. I do not think you can continue like this at all, its just not sustainable for either of you. I also do not think a move will solve anything either; this underlying issue will be carried forward to any new location.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you in terms of getting your needs met?.

Do you love him or are you confusing this with codependency?. I do not think you so much love him as are frightened of fear of the unknown if you do separate.

Thank you for the replies.

It does appear it's quite simple that he does not fancy me, i have kind of come to accept that.

What do I get out of the relationship?

He is very supportive of me in all aspects of my life, I would definitely call him best friend and mine his and we have a deep love for each other, but what is there over and above what is available from other good friends? I'm not sure there is anything more. It's a really good question which i am struggling to answer.

We've kind of planned our future together as mates. I don't think we've stopped and asked if that's what we really want or need.

I could not cope with us seeing others, i'd rather split, it would be pointless and i think the jealousy would come back with a vengeance.

Hi all. We sat down and 'had the chat' and he almost jumped up and down for joy as soon as I mentioned being unhappy, so I guess it'd been on his mind for a long time.
We'll divorce and go our separate ways.
What an awful fake life.

@Snorkers I'm really sorry to hear that. What an absolute slug to the chest this day has been for you.

How are you? Do you have a friend who you could meet up with this weekend maybe? And physically, are you able to eat/sleep, is there anything we can help with?

It's good you had the talk. Good job they're no kids involved.

Thank you Donkey for your kindness. Not right now I'm alone crying my heart out while he sleeps soundly, but I'll call a friend in the morning.
I've been a fool. At least still a relatively young fool, so glad at least I'm not sitting here in 20 years typing this! He's obviously thought this through thoroughly. Grrrr.
People who you think you know really can surprise you can't they.

I think the worst thing is him not actually saying anything and letting you just carry on as normal , I think this guy probably just wants to be friends, which if course you may or may not want

Yeah, spineless, he admitted as much.
He's done well out of me though, half my house and business that I funded now we're married.

I'm so sorry to hear this. It seems sudden and so sad when you have a good relationship in most ways.

If he has a major problem with desire would he consider going to sex therapy with you? In some areas your GP can refer you to a sex therapist on the NHS, although I think in some places you might have to pay. He surely does not want a life which is limited by his lack of desire.

What do you mean when you say He's obviously thought this through thoroughly.

He talked through finances and details immediately that I sat down and talked about whether or not to split up. Not even a Wtf are you sure!

What's the point in counselling, we don't fancy each other, and a split has been very much on his mind too

Life goes on doesn't it.

Ho hum

Sex therapy isn't exactly the same as counselling. It specifically addresses sexual problems..
sex therapy
If he's already talking about finances though you could argue that he's not trying to save the marriage if he wouldn't consider this.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Please get some legal advice if you're the breadwinner or have pre-marital assets - I managed to have them ring fenced in my divorce settlement x

Well he is just a shit bag op, so sorry.

I was coming on here to tell you that I'm in a scarily similar situation and then I read your update.

I'm 40 too and my fiancé is 42. We have zero sex life and I'm fantasising about other people and feel so unloved.
It's horrible. He's been in my life for so long but we're like housemates who co-parent.
Another issue here is that he has nowhere to go ( house is mine and he is on shit money ) so I feel like his mum most of the time.
He's a great dad, amazing in fact but I'm watching my life pass me by and want to feel desired etc.

I truly hope you're ok and if you want to talk then please message me xx

Please take advice on the financial details of your split. As it a short marriage and you went into it with assets he will not be entitled to half.

Do not let your vulnerability right now or niceness let you agree to a 50/50 split or whatever else he has 'planned out'. Lawyer up asap! Short marriage are rarely 50/50 financial splits.

Get all documents about property, pensions, bank accounts etc and take copies and keep them safe. Make sure any joint accounts are closed/emptied immediately and if you can't close shut down overdraft facility.

Too many 'nice' men (and women) strangely turn mercenary and nasty when they start to think of their own solo financial future!

Passion + wanker or no passion + nice are not the only choices. When you're ready to love again insist on passion + nice! Set your sights on the best of both worlds and don't settle for less.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

It's hard to imagine how life will be, we do everything together, how do you even begin to detangle from each other?
We will have to live together in the house until it's sold. How the fuck does that work.

WE coowned property before this so it will be a 50-50 split and I'm happy with that and think it's fair, I don't want to shaft him, and he's agreed to give me the business.

Sorry Snorkers, I remember that stage. We just kept out of each others way as much as possible. It soon passes though it feels like it's going on forever at the time.

Really hope this is the start of a brighter, happier future as he wasn't meeting your needs, was he?

Sorry to hear this op. As you say he clearly had this thought through already but was too cowardly to initiate the split. Now he can tell himself it was your decision and he selflessly gave you the divorce you wanted

Can one of you move into a spare room and if possible make that a sort of bedsit - chair, TV etc so you're not forced together to sit in silence and resentment?

If not I'd be considering getting a cheap house share or studio flat until the sale goes through. I spent 6 months trying to love with my ex and it was awful. That said he was an awful person at the end - you hopefully will be more amicable.

Hi all.
In the cold light of day we were both awfully upset and had a very honest chat. Splitting up to avoid dealing with this is stupid. We're going to try sex therapy, my husband said he finds it really hard to initiate because he's completely lost whatever sexual confidence he had, which was not a lot.

I think a big issue is that we are both used to being submissive with previous partners so my husband has been struggling to change roles, but we are prepared to try anything now.

He assured me that he fancies the pants off me, the comment about his ex was drunken rubbish but I think perhaps rooted in that she was probably a bit bossier in bed than me, and hence my husband didn't have the same confidence issues.
Our communication is clearly an issue too if it's taken us 10 years to get this out in the open.
Thanks for all the support here's hoping I'm not back here again in 6 months!

Ps we also managed two excellent shags this morning which is our usual quota for a year

I am pleased to hear that. You have such a strong relationship in most ways that it would be a shame not to try.
I really hope that it helps sort out the problems.

Good luck.