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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never thought he would...

27 replies

BellaBoo78 · 02/11/2018 01:47

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Been seeing my bf for just over a year, and we get on great. Each have our own lives as I have children and his are grown up (he's older than me). But see each other as and when we can. He comes to have lunch with me at work some days if it's a few nights between us seeing each other.
All going great I thought. He's got a lot going on at the minute with his mum in a car home, selling her house, buying some land etc but tells me all what is going on
Sorry for tmi but he hasn't been so keen for sex the last five weeks. I've thought is it because he's got a lot going on then worried is it because I've put on a little bit of weight in the last year - was happy to revive bj's though!
He's a technophobe so I've got his iPhone up and running, earlier in the year sorted his tariff etc so know all log in details
So tonight after not being able to put my finger on it and having a gut feeling I logged on to his mobile phone bill
And there it is. 97 texts (a lot for him) to a number with a couple of calls one over an hour and half. So searched the number on social media and it's another woman
I texted are you seeing anybody else. He called immediately. What am I saying, why would I say that he sees and speaks to me so much etc etc. I must have a very suspicious mind. I didn't reveal that I know who she is
I feel sick and angry. What should I do. Should I call her tomorrow and ask politely in what context they know each other?! Me and him are finished but for my own piece of mind I would like to know? Should I call her tomorrow?!

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBoo78 · 02/11/2018 01:53

And also just to add he is very anti cheating. His wife did it to him after many years of marriage. And he pursued and pursued for three years asking questions asking friends and family if she had definitely had an affair. Until he got the answer that yes she did.
I think that's why it's such a shock because he is straight and trustworthy or so I thought. Hence I feel like asking this woman direct?!?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 02/11/2018 02:02

But you already know.

Original poster
BellaBoo78 · 02/11/2018 02:11

I know I do and that's what sucks. And for me the worst thing is he is so anti cheating

OP posts:
Cawfee · 02/11/2018 02:18

Is there any chance that number is something like a therapist? Is there any other explanation? Have you googled the number just in case it’s a business? Solicitor if he’s buying land? Just seems weird he would do that if he’s so anti cheating. Personally I’d call the number because I’d have to know.

Original poster
BellaBoo78 · 02/11/2018 02:22

Thank you cawfee. That's how I feel. I have to know for certain
Saved the number in my phone then checked WhatsApp, photo of a woman. Then looked on snapchat, female Bitmoji then finally Instagram and got her name so could do a proper Facebook search. Scared myself how good I was at finding all that out in literally ten minutes from a phone number

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 02:59

Calling this woman is absurd. You're an adult, for god's sake. Don't lower yourself like that. Dump him and be done with it.

Topseyt · 02/11/2018 03:07

Dump him. He isn't anti cheating. He IS a cheat, and has been caught out.

Monty27 · 02/11/2018 03:37

He's anti cheating? Until he was cheated on?
I can't say I like the look of this.
Maybe I am paranoid.
I hope it's ok

bubbles108 · 02/11/2018 07:29

He SAYS he's anti cheating

Clearly he isn't

Therefore he's a liar as well as a cheat and a twat

You deserve SO SO much more

PearsOfWisdom · 02/11/2018 07:32

I’ve just bought a property and I didn’t send 97 texts to my solicitor in 1.5 hours.

I’m fact I never texted her at all because solicitors don’t do business by text. They need emails or notes of phones call for their records and for Law Society audits .

He’s a cheater - dump.

yourfamousblueraincoat · 02/11/2018 07:38

Could just ask him “who is xx then?” And watch his response. No explanation of how you know they’ve been in contact.
There’s still a small possibility it could be an old friend or relative going through a tough time. My contact levels with some people I don’t usually talk to have peaked at moments of crisis.

Original poster
BellaBoo78 · 02/11/2018 08:07

Thank you yourfamous. I think that is what I need to do. Maybe I will see him later and ask in person to see his reaction

OP posts:
toherdoor · 02/11/2018 13:02

He's just going to lie. He's clearly good at it. I would just text him her name so he knows I know, and then block block block.

Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 13:04

I would advise the woman she is being 2 timed. She may be an innocent victim to his charm also. Maybe plot to show him up? Both arrange to meet him. Both show up. Then block.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/11/2018 13:20

And for me the worst thing is he is so anti cheating
Haha - they ALL say that.
It's bollox.
Sorry this is happening to you.
It's amazing how much we can find out with one phone number.
And it's crazy how quickly we become so proficient at snooping we would make a PI look like an amateur!

If you really have to, then talk to him face to face.
Tell him you've had a chat with 'Mary Jones' and you know everything so what is his side of the story!?
Then just watch is facial expression and see if needs the loo.

Good luck OP.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 02/11/2018 13:35

lol at "anti cheating". My ex H prided himself on his inability to lie - he just wasn't capable.....until he had EA which progressed to physical and he left me for her........nearly 4 months down the line, the person who couldn't lie is still lying to everyone!!

NotTheFordType · 02/11/2018 13:42

She may well have no idea he is supposedly in an exclusive relationship with you, so I would call her, yes.

DO NOT tip your hand by saying anything to him beforehand because that gives him a chance to tell her some whacked out shit about how you're a stalker ex who is crazed with jealousy after he ended it, because YOU cheated. Because he's totally anti cheating, ya know.

writingsonthewall · 02/11/2018 20:32

Hope you’re ok? Did you decide whether to speak to him about it?

Mousey765 · 02/11/2018 20:39

Everyone's anti cheating. It's just that for some people that only extends to being cheated on Hmm
I think people who make a big loud deal about loyalty, how they hate cheating, eye...are the most suspicious (not saying they're all cheating just that I find it suspicious). It's a bit thou doth protest too much as it's a given in any monogamous relationship and not something you have to go on about.

Original poster
BellaBoo78 · 03/11/2018 08:40

Thank you for all the replies.
I decided I needed to call the number and a lad answered - I pretended to be calling about a job my company had done for him and double checked this number was his and I must have written down my customers wrong.
Anyway the upshot is this lad is involved in the gym/training centre where by bf trains and I am thinking it was his mums phone and now it's his as that is what it all points to
I haven't asked my bf directly because to be honest he's a 55 year old man who would be equally astounded and "wtf" about how much info I had found out from a phone number.

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 03/11/2018 09:40

If you really want to know just ask him if he is cheating with insert name here. He doesn't need to know how you know. Be he also doesn't have to answer, so don't rely too much on getting closure from that. I would ask though, just to see the reaction.

NotTheFordType · 03/11/2018 12:20

If the phone is no longer his then I'd send her a FB message, or turn up at the gym and ask for her.

NotTheFordType · 03/11/2018 12:20

I am a confrontational bitch though.

HollowTalk · 03/11/2018 12:25

Umm are you not wondering whether something's going on with him and the lad?

thinkingcapon · 03/11/2018 13:46

I'm a bit lost.....how do you know it's this lads mums phone?

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