Partner constantly puts me down

[MummyKx]

Hi I don’t really know where to start as this has been going on for years & we now have two children together so I feel like my options are extremely limited but I just can’t take this anymore. I have been with my partner for over 8 years & we now have two children together but in the years since having them my partner has said many nasty, snide remarks & comments about me both as a mother & to do with housework. He has called me the c word more times than I can count & it took a lot of me telling him how much that hurt me & upset me for him to finally stop calling me it. He has said I am useless, hopeless, he has called me a mutant ( when I was stood bare faced with no make up on which he knows is when I feel my most vulnerable) he says he does everything & he’s better than me at everything. He makes snide remarks like “ if I don’t do it it won’t get done” he never compliments me whatsoever, yet expects me to still feel like having sex with him & will come on to me a lot & that is the only time I ever hear anything positive about how I look etc. I have told him this & how I feel & that I can’t take being his emotional punchbag any longer. I’ve told him how I feel he has nothing good to say about me so why is he still with me & he just down plays it all & says it’s just in the heat of the moments where I’m being a certain way that he doesn’t like or agree with! I told him that doesn’t make it ok to go so far over the line. I’ve tried to tell him this isn’t normal & that I don’t deserve any of it & he will normally go on & on about himself first defending himself & blaming me for his reactions & then he will eventually come round & say he didn’t mean it & he’s sorry. But we’ve been back here countless times, I feel so broken. I feel like he has chipped away at my self esteem & now I just have none left at all. I don’t feel like myself anymore & I don’t know how to fix it! what’s even worse is every single time I have tried to go to him to speak about how I feel it ends up in an argument because he doesn’t ever try to understand or empathise or show any signs of remorse he will just sit there so cold, not even touch me or cuddle me & defend himself & basically say it’s because I did such n such that he reacted the way he did! I end up feeling worse than before I went to speak to him! I can’t take it any longer but nothing is getting through to him I don’t think he loves me ( again I’ve said this to him many times) to which he says he does love me (that’s it - doesn’t ellaborate) it’s the children, I don’t know what I could do. I want to leave because I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for him & I am struggling now to forget the horrible things he has said to me & the amount of times he has said them. I love him & he is an amazing dad to our children but he is not a good partner at all. He never has any faith in me that I can do anything well. He is very egotistical & thinks he’s better than everyone & used to say it a lot before I told him how bizarre that is to be that way & openly speak about it. I just want him to appreciate me & the things I do for our family because it’s hard going with two little ones all day & maintaining a house. I would like him to value & respect me & care about me & show it.

I recommend you get some counselling for you (not marriage counselling) to help you work through all of this. What are your finances like? Could you leave if you wanted to?

You sound so sad MummyKx

It's not that you will ever be a good enough partner for him, it's that his is not a good partner for you. If this behaviour has been going on for some time - I think you will have to accept that this is the person he is - nasty, emotionally abusive.
I disagree that he is a good father - he is undermining the mother of his children and even if they are small, they will be picking up on it, internalising that this is how relationships work.
I agree with Cawfee - can you seek out some counselling for yourself - to boast your self esteem, talk through options for the future. Sadly it is unlikely you will get him to change - so the only other option is for you to change and that where the counselling comes in

Women's Aid can arrange free counselling local to you if that's something you're interested in. Free legal advice too if you need it.

Having been in your shoes I really wouldn't raise this with him again. It will only lead to further abuse and gaslighting. I would put your energy into emotionally detatching from him and looking at your options.

A good father doesn't degrade the mother of his children. Do whatever you have to do and get out. Call Women's Aid, talk to your family and friends. Get a plan in place and get out. Staying with him will ruin your children because they see and hear everything. Don't let that happen.

Why not marriage counselling? I have actually mentioned this to my partner & said I think it would be good for us as he just can’t see outside his own perspective & I think having someone outside looking in might be useful. He doesn’t think we need it but I might be able to convince him. Thank you for your replies. I just feel a very broken person, he knows my weaknesses he knows I already struggle with confidence in some areas & I feel all he does in bad times is use them to his advantage against me & preys on them. & I always have to pick myself back up after he’s knocked me down each time because he certainly never lifts me up. I don’t know how I’ve coped this long but feel maybe I’m stronger than I think & he thinks. I dont want to be a victim & I’m not going to be any longer. I’ve just had enough now & this is not okay & I guess I was just searching for some validation that this is not ok & not normal & not deserved.

And it has been very damaging to me, when all someone has to say is negative things about you you actually start to believe them & feel absolutely worthless. I was very depressed & felt like it wouldn’t have mattered if I wasn’t here because I felt so unappreciated & asthough I wasn’t even needed at all! For anything! As he would say he’s better than me at dealing with the kids & house etc & he works full time! But I have pulled myself out of that & I know that my children love & need & want me & that’s what I need to focus on. Them & making sure they have the best happiest childhood.

er...why do you say you love him? And please don't think for a moment that he is a 'good father'. Treating the mother of his children so appallingly is not being a good father. Your children will be absorbing all of this. They will learn that this is normal and will likely behave the same/accept the same behaviour. Leave. For your children's sake if not yours.

How can you love someone who thinks so little of you? Why are you still having sex with him? Why do you tolerate his behaviour? By allowing him to insult you for so long, it has become the norm and it isn't normal. Stop pussy footing around him, tell him you've heard enough of his vile insults and he's out the door. Stand up for yourself and protect your kids from hearing such disgusting and undermining comments about their mum. They will grow up repeating what they see as normal behaviour.

A counsellor doesn’t really give and outside perspective. They just give you a safe space where you can both talk and work out your own solutions.

If he doesn’t care about your feelings now, going to Counselling won’t make him start caring.

The counsellor won’t tell you he’s a selfish abusive arsehole and give you permission to leave.

That’s what MN is for.

OP I am in a similar situation but further on than you. I tried marriage councilling- he used the hour a week to attack me and belittle me. I shrank even further into myself to the point I was a shell of a woman. The councillor called an appointment with me by myself so I had an opportunity to talk. That was helpful. Talking with him there was not helpful- it didn't happen. Get some councilling for you, to help you. If he loves you (I don't think he does) he'll get help for himself. Your priority is to help you.

I wish you the very best of luck. I am getting out of the horrible situation as we speak, I am starting to see me and my strengths, I am looking forward and smiling again. You can be there too. 

He is not a good father to his children if he treats you abusively. His actions are about power and control and he wants absolute over you and in turn your children. You have not been able to protect them fully from his abuses of you and in turn they are being emotionally harmed by their dad,s behaviours. This is not the legacy you want to leave them, it really is not,

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from you two?.
He has done a real number on you to get to second guess yourself so, this is what years of such abuse does.

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse
within the relationship. He will simply manipulate the counsellor just as you have been. He has already stated he does not want it thankfully.

Both Women’s Aid and the RIghts of Women can and will help you get away safely from your abuser. You have a choice re this man, they do not. They are not having the best childhood here at all because of their dad abusing you as their mum.

He is a nasty piece of work....... why would you love him?

LTB

Thank you for all your replies. Obviously when times are good we are great together & have had nice times together & we have always had amazing sex, extremely passionate & we have an amazing connection in that way. But I haven’t been wanting to recently obviously because of how he acts towards me. Sometimes he can be so hostile & It feels as though he hates me he barely speaks to me at times & I used to spend ages trying to plead with him to tell me what was wrong so I could fix it as I didn’t mean to annoy him or upset him in any way but more recently Ive just started confronting him about it or ignoring him. So we haven’t been having sex & he knows why. I spoke to him & said I find it absolutely mind boggling that during the day he could be being so off with me & annoyed with me at lots of small things yet in the evening once the kids are in bed he initiates sex. He understood where I was coming from but again said it’s just in those moments where he doesn’t like how I have been or something I’ve said has annoyed him & that that doesn’t mean he loses all attraction to me. To answer a previous question my finances are zero as I recently resigned from my job as I was unable to be moved closer to where we live so my partner said it just wasn’t really worth me going back as I had also cut my hours down after having my first child. I don’t want to uproot our little children from their comfy family home I just want to make a breakthrough with my partner & be back to how we were before when we were happy. I am a very forgiving person especially when it’s someone I love & care about. He didn’t used to be this way he was so lovely. He has some amazing qualities & I love those it’s just this nasty streak I wish he never had. I feel really stuck. & another thing he pays for everything now obviously & at times has also thrown this back in my face & even threatened to throw me out of our home once when I lost my patience a bit & shouted at our child. He just makes me feel so disposable & that it could be anyone here looking after the kids & in his eyes they’d be better than me! I honestly don’t know what to do. My family aren’t so involved with the kids his family are though. I really don’t want to cause a huge uproar & unsettle our little children taking them away from their daddy & family home. everyone’s responses are making me feel like that is what I’m going to have to do though. I feel a bit shocked I don’t know if I maybe expected people to say I’m over reacting & to try work things through because we do have children together. I’m so sorry to hear that you are also going through something similar awesmum I hope you find happiness that you deserve. Thank you everyone. I will be trying to get myself and kids sorted.

He's verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. Relationship counselling isn't recommended where there is abuse. The abuser is too likely to manipulate the sessions to their advantage.

Why not marriage counselling?
Joint counselling is NEVER recommended in abusive relationships.
It gives the abuser others way to abuse you and use the session to make you feel even more inadequate and shit.
Don't do it.
Call Womens Aid, they can explain in more detail why joint counselling is not recommended.
And you really need to get an exit plan in place.
This is an awful environment for your DC to be in.
Google 'cycle of abuse'
Your DC will either become a victim like you or an abuser like their father.
If you have a daughter, what would your advice be to her if you were in a relationship like you have (which she will be if you don't remove her soon)?
If it's not good enough for your DC then it's not good enough for you.
Value yourself more than this.
When you talk to Womens Aid ask about counsellors in your local area that can help you.

You are TOO forgiving.
Stop this for one.

What he is doing is unforgivable!
You really need to understand that before you can move on with your own life.

@MummyKx please read up about emotional abuse and narcissistic tendencies. Your Partner DOESN'T LOVE YOU no one who loves another person constantly puts them down, criticises them and calls them vile names. Also read up about trauma bonding.

Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.

You have been isolated and are now dependent upon him financially and this is exactly where he wants you to be. The abusive behaviour will almost certainly start to ramp up even more now as you are more isolated. Please get yourself back to work (find a full time job closer to home) for your kids sakes please look at removing yourself from this relationship.

It's such a difficult situation for you to be in.

He won't make a breakthrough though. He's happy as he is. He gets everything he needs.

You can't control his actions. Just your own. You don't have to put up with it.

It takes a lot of time and planning to make the break though, for lots of women in this situation.

Talking to somebody at women's aid might be a good first step.

Just please remember that his choice to be abusive towards you is a very bad parenting choice, and it will affect your children's lives. Not your fault, but you can get away from it and make a comfy home for them.

I spoke to him & said I find it absolutely mind boggling that during the day he could be being so off with me & annoyed with me at lots of small things yet in the evening once the kids are in bed he initiates sex. He understood where I was coming from but again said it’s just in those moments where he doesn’t like how I have been or something I’ve said has annoyed him & that that doesn’t mean he loses all attraction to me

Ah. He’s answering the question “ why you do Partner want to have sex with me when you have been so nasty to me “.

He’s not answering the question “ why should I want to have sex with YOU when you have been so nasty to me ? “

That’s because he doenst think you have feelings , or if they do, they don’t matter.

He is abusive and you can’t fix him. You can choose to live like this and put your kids through it ( and it will get worse ) or you can leave.

Definitely sounds like he encouraged you to give up work so you are dependent on him.

My ex used to routinely humiliate me in front of others "as a joke" and swear at me etc in front of neighbours.

I remember once we were on our way to hospital to see a friend's baby. We were going up in a lift with my friend's mum and he called me "bucket fanny" as I'd recently had a child myself. I was absolutely mortified.

I left in the end and am now married to a man who is always respectful and am so much happier.

You deserve better. If you wait until your children leave home, he won't thank you for being a martyr - you'll be bitter and so will he.