When you find everything he does

[Spandex]

irritating and you start to think you actually don't like your DH at all, is it the end and time for a divorce?

no, I think it's a natural part of human life. Sometimes I feel like this about my dh but then times change and things get good again.

Sometimes you just have to roll with the bad times and wait for the good ones.

If I divorced someone every time I found every thing they did irritating I'd have got through about 60 marriages so far!

But then I have a very low "doofus" tolerance

No. When you live with someone 24/7 of course there are times when you just want to punch their lights out

Like hockeypuck said, roll with it and things will get better.

I was like this with my dh a few months back. Npw things could not be better, we are getting on like a house on fire. Don't know what we did or when it happenned, it just did!

The key is to not irritate each other at the same time

Stick with it
xx

You have to realise that these things go in phases. You'll be having a bad patch every so often, but it won't last. You'll come out the other side and wonder what the hell happened. You'll then probably tick along for a while fine & dandy and then the same thing will happen again. But you will come through it if you stay positive. I usually weigh up the pros & cons of the relationship at this point and waver on the brink of divorce... and then it all gets better again and I wonder how I could have felt as bad as that in the first place.

I think you've got to accept that no-one's relationship is perfect and to work on the one you have got if you can.

My relationship with dh seems to go in these cycles and however much I don't want to get into a rough patch every so often, it does always happen. However, if you stay calm & grown-up about it, you probabley will survive and get through to the next stage each time and come out a hell of a lot stronger for it.

I do wish you luck. Keep your chin up.

Thank you very much for your positive words.

It's just that every weekend we seem to row and bicker and it ruins the weekend. I can't remember a weekend that hasn't had the shadow of a row over it. We can't seem to get beyond the row and talk normally because we're both so angry with each other.

And they're all my fault apparently because I over react.. .. .. ..if they're all my fault, how do we go from there? Do I just accept they're all my fault even if they're not just to keep the peace? I sound like a child but I feel really helpless not least because it's been going on for so long.

Maybe we just don't get on. I don't want to divorce not because I love him madly (I don't) but because I don't want my children to have the same sh*t and misery I had when my parents divorced.

Well if you don't love him madly you may be in trouble....

FWIW dh thinks our rows are due to me over reacting, the key is to amke them realise we would not over react if they were not so twat like

Spandex - we argue more at the weekend. I think it's because we're under each other's feet, he has his idea of what he wants to do and I have mine and somewhere along the line, we forget to tell each other!

Agree that it's part of human life. I knew 2 families when I was growing up whose parents "never argued" - we later found out that they never argued in front of their children so they thought they never argued.

All the children of both of those marriages have been divorced because they thought their marriage didn't match up to their parents' who "never argued"

Exactly, Tommy.

We've just moved. I'm here at home all the time so I know what needs to be done. He just does random things that really aggravate me because he just doesn't seem to get the concept of prioritising. If I ask him to do something else, he gets a real strop on. He thinks I'm too controlling. I give up!

And love 'twat like' from Dr Northerner. But I do think we are in trouble as you say. He said this morning that we should try to like each other and be nice to each other. And that he loves me. I couldn't reply really. Maybe it is the end.. ..Sigh. But I guess I'll just have to try to be nicer but I won't be a doormat which is what I suspect he wants me to be.

Spandex, you say you seem to argue more at the weekends. I think this is quite normal. I don't much like the weekends, especially Sunday. You've been in your routine all week, seeing people you WANT to see, like your friends! Along comes DH, getting in your way, thwarting what you want to do - it's pouring down outside and the kids are doing your head in - is it any wonder weekends are so crap.

It's sad that you say you don't love him but you may do - it may be hidden underneath the stress of life. Do you get out together very often? Maybe spend some quality time together.

Agree with DrNortherner, they always say you overact and put it down to hormones, which makes my blood boil. They never seem to think that their annoying behaviour contributes to anything!

Agree with what everyone else has said - relationships have these phases. DH too would have me believe that he causes no arguments at all and if I would only agree that he is right all of the time there would be no problems. I finally got through to him that that is how he sees things, I however have a completely different perspective which is equally valid. In my view of the universe, he causes all of the problems because of the unreasonable way he acts. What we need to do is try and find an objective view which presumably lies mid-way between.

This is only worthwhile if you love (or might again) love each other. If it has all gone and you really don't like him at all, then consider what you are doing. My own parents went for the "stay together for the sake of the child" option. It ruined their lives for many years and tbh, didn't do much for me either. It would have been better living with one happy parent than 2 people who manifestly hated each other.

Ah yes, hormones. That's exactly what he said this weekend. Funny game. Apparently, every time I have a baby apparently I am a total biatch for about 8 months.

Well, that's the problem solved then, isn't it? Because it's all my fault.

I think (IIRC from reading men are from mars etc) that if men can't sort the problem out they think that it is, therefore, insolvable and need someone to blame (usually nearest and dearest)

We went through a similar phase after the birth of DS1 and looking back I think it was just that there were underlying resentments about workload, prioritisation and tiredness, so the little day to day stuff tipped us over the edge.

It resolved but only when we became friends again and that took nights out, doing things together more and of course more sleep! We still bicker a little about small things but the children don't witness it and I don't walk away thinking 'you're an idiot and this is not working' only 'you're an idiot!'

It actually frightens me now how close I came to needlessly packing it all in. Of course I now have this as a constant reminder of how fragile relationships are and that really helps me to handle myself in these situations.

Not sure this helps.

All this stuff just leads to more and more lack of intimacy which causes trouble in a marriage. My dh and I have just been through an awful period and very nearly split up but things do seem to be better now. We have tried to be kinder to each other and when you feel that you are being treated well, you are more likely to respond to them. Just ignore the hormonal thing. Life is bloody tough after having a baby and men ought to be more understanding, not accusing their other halves of being a bitch. Every month my dh says in a condescending, knowing voice, "sounds like you're a bit premenstrual - is it the time of the month again?". At which point, I want to take an axe to his head!

hi span, i agree with everyone you have good times and bad. We don't really argue but it does feel like i live with a lodger or a best friend not a lover/husband! i think you spend all day doing what you like and its so busy with kids your times wrapped up with them. Try to remember who you feel in love with. try to recapture this. but do remember life is short and you must be happy. have a good chat and good luck