How do you deal with an emotionally available and caring partner when you aren't used to it?

[phucit]

I know how ridiculous that title sounds, but I'm dating a man, it's going well, really well. He's emotionally very supportive and emotionally available and caring and I struggle to ask him for help.

I had a very minor procedure recently, and struggled through and took the option to have it under local when a general might have been best, because I've no one to ask to pick me up, drop me home, stay with me. And he's made it clear if I have to have a follow up (won't know for another couple of weeks) that he expects to be allowed to look after me.

I'm many years independent and it's lovely and I love when he does it, but I struggle to ask for help.

How do I change? Or how do I get used to it? I'm so aware of not taking advantage. Or something, I dunno even in my own head why I'm like this.

It's difficult. If you've been in relationships before that are shit, accepting help and support from a new partner who is there for you is the opposite to what you're used to. Accepting help is not a sign of weakness, it doesn't take away your independence and is part of a healthy relationship. It's just because being treated well is a new idea to you. It will take time to let down your barriers, but it will happen.

It doesn’t sound ridiculous!

I was single for many years and just recently into a new relationship with a really lovely man.

I’m finding it tough, I’m a bit spiky sometimes and I don’t know when to let him do stuff for me. I raised his eyebrows the other day when he offered to check the oil and water in my car (it was on his drive) because he was doing his and I snapped ‘I can maintain my own car you know I’ve been doing it years’. I felt ashamed for snapping he was just being nice and definitely not insinuating that I couldn’t do it. It’s just learned independence.

Watching with interest. I have no idea.

I think it's the letting down of barriers - that's spot on. we have moved past the dinner and shag stage (blush but you know what I mean) and we are spending time together. Strangely I have no problem helping him out at all ,and love doing it, it's just when the boot is on the other foot.

He texted this morning to see how I was feeling and I know I sounded sharp in my reply (I did apologise) but I didn't want him to think I expected him to help me out. So it came out as a "I'm FINE." kind of thing instead of "thanks for asking after me." and he doesn't want to hear "fine" he wants to know how I'm actually feeling (which was sore, a bit weepy and actually ok but not fine)

I could of written your post myself. Have never experienced stable relationships. Always attract fruit loops :-(

I address this comment to both you phucit and olagthemeerkat (from a fellow meekat):-

You need to examine why you have attracted fruit loops or other such loser men to date. If your relationship history to date has been a DFS (disaster from the start) there are reasons why that is. This sometimes goes back to your own childhood experiences and relationship with your dad (and his relationship too with your mother) particularly if he was emotionally unavailable to you as his daughter.

Sometimes women want to "rescue" and or "save" men again because of conditioning both social and from family of origin. However, a person can never act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship because neither approach works.

Attila I had one relationship, which morphed disastrous marriage which ended 11 years ago. We were together from age 15 to age 38. I've dated since but no one serious and I've done tons of counselling. I had decided I'd be a mad cat lady, and this man asked me out out of the blue and here we are.

Slowly. With therapy.

*morphed into

I think he was attractive to me (the ex that is) when I was 15 but as I grew he wasn't.

This isn't a rescuer / being rescued thing I have with the new man - it's a mature, adult sharing relationship - but I have very deliberately allowed myself to heal from my marriage which took time. (I've dated, shagged, but nothing serious since, the reason this is knocking me off kilter a bit is that it's the first serious since my marriage. Or at least, I think it might be serious. I hope it will.)

His behaviour sounds normal. Your 'normal' during your marriage is skewing your thinking. You've had 11 years of being self reliant and you're worried that by letting him in, you'll be relying on him. Am I right?

Yes

OP - I can empathise. I was single for a long time before meeting DH and was quite an emotionally closed person. I had to really make an emotional leap to allow myself to be vulnerable and to open myself up to him. In the end it was just based on a decision - did I trust him? In the end, I decided that I did and I have never regretted that. But only you can decide the answer to that question.

Like you, I got with exH when I was young. Got married, had kids and the marriage was horrendous. I left and avoided any long term relationships for 6 years. Anyone getting too close was ditched. Then I met DP. He is truly the most patient, calm and loving man I've ever met. We've been together 12 years and I used to feel exactly how you're feeling. I can still be a snippy bitch occasionally, but he understands. It took time for me to release the tight grip I had on my emotions, and even still, I dig my heels in over ridiculous things, just to prove I'm still totally in control of my life. It just takes time.

Agree it’s somewhat unnerving to have this experience. Someone expecting you to let them in. Yikes! You’re so used to being with people where that’s not part of the game. Or who have nothing of actual substance to offer. Or it comes with strings attached. This probably goes back to your childhood (it does with me).

It’s going to go against every fibre of your being. But just think what’s the worst that can happen. Just be aware of it, and make a conscious decision to let your guard down. Trust your gut. Treat it as a new adventure - that’s what it is!

Every relationship is a leap of faith.

Get well soon (and even sooner with a nice person at your side)

I was in your shoes too after an abusive marriage. After you’ve let your defenders down you get used to it and even take it for granted. In the end it becomes the new norm.

*defenses!

I think the key is to talk to your DP about your previous experience and how it has impacted you so that he gains a deeper understanding of why you react the way you do sometimes. I think it will take you some time to adapt and accept what normal looks like.

I empathise because I am in a similar situation. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and when I met my DP I was just expecting it to constantly break or for him to leave me as my ex did over and over again. I was very protective of myself and didn’t let my walls down which actually led to us breaking up for a short period.

My advice is talk things to pieces and try and let your barriers down.

Just slowly let yourself get used to it.

If it’s difficult at a particular point to accept or ask for help, remember how much pleasure you get from helping him. Think of it like giving him a little gift. He regularly lets you give him the same kind of gift.

It's really hard - I was single for 7 years when I met my DP and it took some getting used to on both sides, but once you let yourself realise that they are genuine you start to let your guard down