Unfaithful F**king-H

[Riss70]

Well he is taking me out tonight.....lets see how it goes it is my birthday and again I can not recall the alst birthday he took me out on

the remorseful behaviour has not lasted long really - he has become his withdrawn and moody self pretty much again - he got cranky with me last night and dropped the bottom lip - wouldn't talk etc cause I ate the last of the left over prawns!!!!!!

The hide of it!

Anyway he seems to be trying to egt back on track today ......I kinda figure that the shock of potentially losing what he had is now over and he perhaps relaises that things were pretty crappy anyway so perhaps parting ways would not be such a bad idea after all lets see.....if I try and raise it tonight if things are awkward he will get sulky and the evening will be ruined but if we are having fun I will leave it until a everyday mundane time.

I almost called OW last night as I did not get it all out when I confronted her.....she lied and denied it happened at all - even after I explained that I was not angry with her as she had not betrayed me just women in general (sisterhood rules torn up and spat on)....anyway better go get ready he has taken DD to ballet for teh FIRST TIME EVER so I can get ready

cheers for now MN'rs

Hi

Hope you are feeling ok. You sound a bit up and down, it is going to take a while. Remember it is him that has to make it up and if you want to talk dont let him give you a guilt trip over it. Also you are right about him losing it all. You seem to understand that it has not all been good and are strong enough to cope alone, you only need to stay in the marriage as long as it is good for you now and it is up to him to meet your needs now.

Am i right in that you are in Australia? We have just had an exchange student and we are planning a trip there next year. Where abouts are you?

Hi

Yes I am in Australia - on the east coast of NSW Near Port Macquarie. When will you be over here?

The night out went fairly well and we have our first counelling session later this week...

I had been pretty down and was so annoyed at him getting sulky over little things....as I said speak up, don't sulk or wait until it is too late (ie all the prawns are gone)

I am unsure about the expected outcome of the cousnelling.....I amnnot sure that he will be able to make the changes he needs to make long term, in the short term I am sure that he will put in a great effort but I don't think it is sustainable however I will keep an open mind and lets see.....I truly hope he can so that we can be a stronger unit for this as reallt it was only the culmination of many things that were going wrong so if we can get to the bottom of the problem that alloed it I think we will be ok.....if not I ahve grown as a person through the relationship and have learnt more positive ways of trying to communicate but I can not MAKE him talk and share emotions so perhaps he will learn that through counselling if not I hope he learns it for his own benefit in the future otherwise he will encounter similar issues

Oh yeah we went and watched Oceans 13 which was quite a good movie and then grabbed a takeway meal (my choice that was)....he was attentive and affectionate and generally the night was a sucess

I am glad you had a good time - it really is important to make time for yourself - whatever the outcome, this is something i have learnt.

I am hopeful that the counselling will be a sucess - it may take time though. My H was dead against it at first and i think only went because i wanted to and also because it looks good if you go for a divorce and work out the settlements ect. Now though he is a convert - its great you can blame your parents for all your mistakes!!! No really they are good at getting you each to really listen to what each other is saying and thinking about things differently.

You will be stronger through this without a dout which can only be a possitive. Now you must push on and get what you want and not sit back in the comfort zone.

We shall be visiting Sydney in July next year hopefully, we have some friends emmigrating in August and want to get it booked pretty much as soon as they have gone. I know it is not the best time to visit but my son will in the middle of exams and so we can only go away in the long summer holidays (british summer that is), as we would like to do a month.

Hi Hurt

I you travel north rfom Sydney July is still lovely....it can be little cold in Sydney but nothing compared to what your are most likely used to.

We have had one of our coldest days recently and it was about 10 degrees centagrade (about 50F I think) and we are 5 hours north of Sydney which in Australian terms is not far (if you have been here before you know what I mean if not we are a vast land and distances between major centres are quite signifigant such as a 6 hour flight from one side to the other)

We are in the midst of winter and I am still in a short sleeved shirt - this however is not the case all over Australia the further inland you get the cooler it gets and the further south you get again the cooler it gets.

As for the counselling H said that he did not want to do it but that he would if that is what I need to try and make a go of this marriage so that is what we are doing....I want for both of us to learn how we allowed the marriage to disintergrate to that point and to learn how to avoid it in the future as well as how to recognise when things may be heading down that path before we have gone too far

PS it is helpful to ehar from someone who has made it through and turned what most percieve a a very engative event into a postitive one..........I hope that we can make it through the eway you have.was you H a real Lad when it occured or had he matured as I beleive that is a signifigant part of our problem (we were both party animals when we got together but I changed and grew with the children, he did a little but not much)

Hi

I have thought long and hard about why it happened in the first place. I think there are men (and some women) who will allow it to happen. We all get the chance after all!!
I think men are seen as a bit of a lad and some (my H being one) thinks it is their right to have an affair. He was classic just over 40 children all done with (4) doing really well at work - although a lot of pressure. What more was there to achive? I truely believe he did not expect the amount of fall out. He was justifying it because our marriage was not in a good place (which it was not but i thought it was just due to kids/mundane ordinary life - a blip). Men never talk about it and certainly not to their wives (probably because we would understand them too well). So when it started it was probably a shag and almost his right - but it did get very deep and caused our relationship to suffer even more - which gave him more of an excuse to carry on.

At first i was going to fight tooth and nail no matter what (i really hadnt decided what i wanted to do) but as it became clear that neither did he (he just wanted it to go away - but yet he couldnt seem to end it with her - because things were still pretty bad at home and so he still could justify what he was doing). It was only when i stopped fighting and started divorce proceedings he got the kick of reality he needed. He realised he had never wanted to end our marriage (he had plenty of opotunities), and he litratly begged on his knees for me to give him another chance and that he would do ANYTHING, everything it took to prove it to me.

It took me a while to decide as i really had already given everything i thought i had. He was patient and so remorseful, and i could see the 'old' him returning again. It has taken its toll on him too and he took a chunk of time of work.

We have both learnt that it does take work - not hard but little things that you know each other will appriciate. He loves candles in the bathroom and bedroom (i just never used to bother). Flowers and wine and making time for each other again. We have also both helped each other do our own thing. I have just got a job (first time in 10yrs), and although we dont need the money it gives me my independance again.

So i say it can be done if you BOTH want it too - you have to be prepared to forgive and not contantly mention it and he has to occainonally mention it and make you feel so special again.

Good luck and hope some others come along with advice.