Hi all.
Just joined MN today as not sure where to turn. I've got myself in a right pickle and I'm reached breaking point, I'm really struggling to cope and I have no idea what to do.
I'm in love with my best friend. We've not known each other for a long, long time but we work together. W'eve worked together for 3.5 years and we spend pretty much every morning, lunchtime and evening either together chatting or texting. We are super close (so much so that rumours have always persisted that stuff has happened between us but that is not true).
She is with someone and has been with them for 5 years. They are not engaged but obviously serious. I've always fancied her and inititally thought it was a lust-thing but my feelings have got stronger and stronger over the past year and it has now consumed me entirely. I think about her every minute of the day and get butterflies everytime I see them or even get a text. I'm besotted. We are a small-ish office and I see her/sit near every day. It's basically impossible to get away from her, but I don't want to.
It has caused me to go into a deep depression. I have seen a counsellor a couple of time as I'm not coping well. Ultimately, I decided, rightly ro wrongly, that I needed to tell her. Last night, we sat down and I opened up about my feelings. She said that deep down she probably knew. I asked her if there had ever been anything there - because I was sure that there had been at one stage, albeit nowhere near as strong as my own. She said 'I won't say that I've never considered it, but what I have with my partner, though not perfect, i wouldn't want to give it up.'
She is my best friend. She is also someone I am deeply in love with. It doesn't matter whether I did the right thing or not by telling her because it's done now. I just don't want to lose both a best friend and someone I love. I'm not a strong person at all and I don't know how to deal with this. A very small, stupid, naive part of me hopes that now she knows the extent, itll be food for thought and maybe she'll start to consider it more as time goes on, though I know that's ridiculous and won't be the case.
I'm incredibly happy at work, not just because of her, but it's like a family that have had there for 4 years and I'm in an amazing place in my career. Leaving would probably knock me just as much as it is the only stable thing in my life right now.
The conversation with her went well in so much as we laughed about it post-revelation and have texted since. We don't want anything to change. She is a very flirty person which doesn't help, though I assume that will gradually stop, even though I don't want it to, which sounds ridiculous as i type it.
I'm basically in a pickle. I don't need to explain (not that I could) how crushing it is to tell someone you love them and not hear it back. My relationship with her in terms of our friendship is the best one i have ever had and losing it will crush me again.
Any advice, comments are appreciated. Though I know in a year, two years or whatever I'll be in a different place mentally, right now I can't see past tomorrow and how on earth I'll ever get through this.
Thank you