Breaking off friendship with Ex.

[Spidermamaz]

I'll try not to drag this out too much.

With Ex from year 7 of high school. Proper childhood sweethearts. Few kids. Wedding. Time rolls on. Boredom creeps in. Other issues such as health, breakdowns in mental health. Just life in general.
Things going wrong that could have been fixed but we too involved. Couldn't see the trees for woods if you understand.

After almost 19 years we seperate. I see someone. So does he. His is short lived and has been alone since.

My relationship has since broke down.

I miss him. So much.

Things have changed. Being a single mum has forced me to address the issues that were causing tension in our relationship originally. I feel improved in myself.

I asked if we could try again. He doesn't want to. But he wants to be FWB. I don't want that. I can't break the connection between sex and emotions.

I'm just so sad.

He confused me because he says things like 'we will probably grow old together and still calls me the nicknames we shared.

I HONESTLYdon't think he is trying to hurt me or play games. You have to understand that we were together since kids. Our lives are so intertwined that it's hard to break those old habits.

But I think he prefers his life now in the sense that he gets a quiet flat whilst I deal with the kids all week. He only has overnights rather than the 24/7 pressure of bringing up kids.

I don't think he wants to come back to this.

Trouble is we both have mental health issues. Both are very isolated so we have kept a very strong friendship because he is my ONLY friend.

If I didn't speak to him through the day I wouldn't speak to anyone.

Please don't tell me to join groups or make friends. I've been this way for a decade. Its just not in me. I cant handle social interactions. It's too much pressure.

But I feel like I'm relying on him too much. And he says he wants Imus to stay close but I can't help but want him to come home. I just do.

And it's becoming more painful. Especially with Christmas coming up.

I want to just cut him off apart from dealing with the kids.

But then I will be completely alone.

And last time that happened I got so down I wanted to end my life. I did nothing but sleep and cry.

I feel so lost.

Any advice please?

This sounds like a tough situation..sorry you're in it.

You say you both have mental health issues, buy it sounds like, for you, this relationship is also seriously impacting your mental health.

Out of interest do you have family around you? If so what's your relationship like with them? Do you work or get out at all?

I have family but not the type I can confide in. I'm very much the black sheep because I keep myself isolated. I find it too much work to deal with family dramas and I am blunt with my responses to things I find silly so it puts their backs up.

I don't work due to my mental health. I don't even go food shopping. I order in.

I get out sometimes for reasons, I do go to the park with kids, walk the dog etc but that's as far as my social life goes really.

I had internet friends, a few really good ones, but after an event in our circle I deleted them all because again, i can't deal with the drama. It gives me such bad anxiety having people fighting.

I'm not pretending to be an expert or to have been in your position, but it sounds like there's a lot going on with you. I think maybe break each bit down, try to tackle each element separately, one thing at a time, rather than trying to address everything at once. And accept that it's gonna be a tough ride but that you're on the path to improving your life.

Do you miss your ex, his personality? The relationship you had, or do you miss having someone in your life? If it's him as a person, then maybe a frank discussion, put it out there, see if you can work on it. But be honest that you want the relationship and the parenting team, not just the relationship and him then going off home to a carefree life, you two raising your kids together.

If it's just that you miss someone, and I know you say don't suggest groups etc but you sound very young to be committing to a life of isolation. Have you heard of homestart? They are a family support charity, I used to volunteer with them. A volunteer comes and supports you in your own home, they are matched to you with a view to building up a "professional friendship" and they can help you go to groups etc, where you can meet people and start building your confidence. They're amazing and have some great success stories. Look them up, I really think they could help you. I helped a very isolated lady, she was very closed with me to start with but really opened up and it helped her get out and her confidence grow. You don't have to tackle all this alone.

Is there a family member you particularly like more than others that you could start slowly building a better relationship with? It sounds a lot like you and your partner have been in a bit of a bubble since childhood which has isolated you further. Both of you perhaps. Even if you work things out it may be worth you trying to find a way to build up a bit of a friendship network together. So you aren't so focussed on just each other.

Sorry if this seems off the mark, like I say it's not something I've experienced, but I think pick your battles and deal with one thing at once. But truly, look up homestart. They're ace.

The price of the relationship you have with this man is this. He doesn’t want the relationship you want with him, simple. He’s become a crutch, a bad habit which is now doing you more harm then good.

The balls in your court but if you are unwilling to make the decisions that will end your emotional reliance on this man, then this will continue and your MH will suffer.