Is my friend being a bit of a shit?

[BlueDip]

Interested in views and asking WWYD?

One of my closest friends is a man. We're good friends, go back a long way, talk all the time, know each others' stories etc. For the better part, he's a good friend to me, as much as can ever be expected I suppose.

He's been single other than a few short flings for well over two years, although has had a number of women on the go during that time. I was always sympathetic that things weren't working out as know he's lonely and know he really wants to settle down. He tells me all about his relationships, so I usually have a fair idea of what's going on, and have always been a sympathetic ear when things don't work out.

But - recently, I've started wonder if he's actually a bit of a shit to women. A thread here got me thinking and ever since then I've wondered for the following reasons:

• All of his exes are 'crazy'
• When talking about dating he says 'all's fair in love and war'
• Nothing ever lasts longer than 2 months
• He can be VERY intense. I know this coz he's like this with me sometimes and we're just friends - think multiple messages, grand statements, messaging more than once in a row if I don't respond etc.
• When he first meets someone, they are perfect. Last girl he had been on two dates with and gushed and gushed about how great she was. He often becomes much less enthusiastic a few more dates in, this time around describing her as 'she's nice but not perfect' and telling me her flaws. Then yesterday I asked about her and he dismissed it as them both being on the same page about it just being casual, then slipping up later an saying she wants to spend more time with him.
• Is completely driven to distraction when he falls for a new person to the point of being a little annoying and wanting to talk about them all the time, then talk all the time about their flaws.
• Laments the fact he usually 'disengages' with women after a month/6 weeks

Am I reading too much into this? I'm not sure what to do with this information if it is true but hate the thought of sitting by passively if he is treating women badly.

Interested in advice anyway ...

I have a female friend who does the exact same things. I don't think she is treating men badly.

I just feel odd about it, is all. There are lots of other little examples too.

I suppose you wouldn't say anything then Shatner? He seems to break a lot of hearts

Some people are just the way they are and won't listen even if you tell them.

If you want to help him because he’s lonely, you could point out there seems to be a pattern to his relationships and the common denominator is him. Then if he recognises that and wants to change he can go and talk to a therapist. I’d offer it as an observation, not a damning judgement on his character. I imagine the women just write him off as a bad experience!

Serious question- are you single and has he ever tried it on with you?

Sounds like the ‘crazy’ is designed to get sympathy and maybe get you on side.

I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends by the way, just that he’s messaging you like you’re his girlfriend. He’s a bit.. intense for my liking

He enjoys the initial high intensity phase when everything is surreal and exciting. So he repeats it and that might be enough for him. He doesn’t like the commitment or reality stages. He doesn’t like opening up or having people open up to him.

He might have an issue (physical, sexual or psychological) that he doesn’t want to deal and a relationship would force him to do this. It’s avoidance.

FWIW, I don’t think you break hearts in 6 weeks. The women have had a knock and will be hurt. As witchmountain says a bad experience. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t at some point find himself at the wrong end of the wrath of a woman scorned.

For you; enjoy him a fun but periodic friend and maybe nudge (don’t push) him towards getting some realisation or insight into his behaviour. For example instead of letting him blame it on the girl ask him how he felt about things.

I am a woman and have a platonic male friend whom I have pretty much run out of patience with for similar reasons. When I first got to know him he was badly hurting from a divorce and I encouraged him with things like going on holidays and joining a club to get a social life going. He quickly became involved with a number of women, overlapping them and being deceitful.

At first I put it down to him going a bit mad after his divorce and assumed it would settle down. However now it's about 7 years in and he's still two/ three timing, even saying he's in love with one of them and going to propose, and then weeks later revealing he's cheating on her. Also declares he's in love with another one at the same time. He's even been beaten up by a woman's partner which I told him he deserved to an extent!

I've run out of steam putting up with hearing about it. I have asked him how he'd feel if a man was treating me like that, but it doesn't sink in.

Hmmm. Interesting.

I am single but fairly certain he’s not interested. He’s pretty much said as much. Given how often he messages though when he is seeing someone (as he is now albeit early days) I’m starting to wonder if it’s inappropriate and not fair on her so tempted to tell him to cool it