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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

what should I say to my son?

21 replies

spudlike1 · 01/11/2018 00:02

I distanced myself from a friend because of her behaviour , her extra marital affair .
my son was close to her son at the time and my son is cross with me as his freindship with her son was affected . I feel bad . Her son has spoken to my son about how I've deserted his mum when she was in need , ididbecause I struggled with her choices . . she over shares emotional adult stuff with her kids in my view .
what do I say to my son in my defence as I feel I'm being blamed . I.cant tell him about his friends mum's affair can I?
Hope this makes sense

OP posts:

springydaff · 01/11/2018 00:06

How old is your son?

Original poster

spudlike1 · 01/11/2018 00:10

he was 8 , 9 , 10 when they were close
now 12

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2018 00:12

Tell your son he has no say in how you handle your personal relationships. His relationship with his friend is his concern and responsibility. You do not owe him any explanation.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2018 00:13

You are the parent, not your son's peer.

Original poster

spudlike1 · 01/11/2018 00:16

I feel.like I've caused him issues with his friendships at an age when he needs good friends

OP posts:

Rebecca36 · 01/11/2018 00:24

Nothing to stop him still being friends with your ex-friend's boy and if you have to cross paths with his mum, you can be civil. You were friends once after all and what's past is past.

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 00:53

Why is it even an issue. He’s old enough to be friends with someone.
All sounds a bit drama drama for an adult
And no you can’t! Wtf kind of relationship do you think it would be ok to tell your son.
This has been years!!
It’s not like she had an affair with your dh. Why on earth would this affect you so much

GloomyMonday · 01/11/2018 06:28

I doubt op has stopped her son from being friendly with the other boy.

More like some distance has grown between them since OP's friendship with his mother ceased.

Maybe they previously saw each other out of school - at family events, days out, both mothers providing childcare for each other and so on.

It can't be helped op. You disagreed with her choices and didn't want to be as friendly with her any more. It is a shame this meant that the boys saw less of each other, but unavoidable really.

I don't think you owe your ds an explanation as such, but if he is angry with you and pushing for one then I would just say that you didn't want to be friends any more, that people do not have to be friends forever, or be forced into a friendship that they don't want, that her son might be angry about it but that's just because he doesn't know what happened between you both, that you don't need to explain further but that your son should trust that you made the right decision.

MsTSwift · 01/11/2018 06:35

My 12 year old has made new friends at secondary I don’t know their parents from Adam. I try and say hello when dropping off but that’s it. Don’t understand the issue at all it’s not as if all 4 of you hang out surely at 12 the lads do their own thing.?

SandyY2K · 01/11/2018 06:37

His friendship had clearly been affected because you distanced yourself. I don't blame you as I'd have done the same.

Quite frankly I'd tell my son I'm not close to his friend's mum anymore and through life friends do sometimes fall out.... as he'll find out as he gets older.

user1484424013 · 01/11/2018 09:31

Tell your son the truth. She is a skanky ho bag and why should you have to help cover up her leg spreading. If your 12 year old has the gob on him to blame you then strike right back. Obv use nicer words than myself because next time you have any issue he will speak to you like shit. NIP JN THE BUD NOW. And at the end of the day children do not dictate friendships and honestly I do not blame you for wanting to distance yourself from her disgusting behaviour x

ghostsandghoulies · 01/11/2018 09:37

The only time that my 12 year old son (y8) comes into contact with his friends parents is if they are giving lifts and that's unusual since they hang out in places that they can walk to. (They hate shopping)
How has the relationship changed? Less sleepovers?
I would tell your son that yours and his friendships are separate and he can't tell you what to do. It's not a case of one person being 100% "bad"- he's old and experienced enough to know that many cases of friendship breakdown can be a result of both people's behaviours.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2018 09:37

I think you just need to tell him that your ExFriend has made some bad decisions and choices that you do not agree with.
You have certain morals and she doesn't and that means that you do not respect her anymore as a person or a friend.
Your son is welcome to keep in contact with his friend and you will help them spend time together.
And that's it.

ghostsandghoulies · 01/11/2018 09:39

He must know lots of friendships that have fizzled our considering his age. Is he still best friends with the same person he was best friends with in Reception? Tell him that you haven't been nasty but that friendship is over.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 13:27

Over emo. Try and calm down OP. It’s really a non issue. I can’t even remember who I was friends with at 12 let alone 8! My son is the same age and 2 of his “mates” have moved to different countries because you know, life. Those age friendships are fluid and not set in stone and lets face it when he’s at senior school or Uni or work then he’ll be making new mates all over the place!!

Angelcd · 01/11/2018 13:39

Do the 2 boys still see each other? The 2 boys should still have their friendship even tho you 2 women dont. Im still friends with girls i knew since i was 8 im now 39 ,your son seems to really like his friend and miss him.some friends are for life.x

Angelcd · 01/11/2018 13:41

I would just say to your son his friends mum did something you diddnt agree with ,maybe when he is older and asks then go into more detail x

Skarlet2018 · 01/11/2018 13:49

I agree with Aqua.

Mother196 · 01/11/2018 15:55

He's only a teen he will get over it tell him he has no idea what happens away from him neather does his friend don't you speak to your mother with such disrespect remember you are the adult he cannot talk to you like that you are not their friend you are their mother

Joysmum · 01/11/2018 16:52

Personally I’d say to your son that you know he likes his friend and it would be unfair on him and his friend to talk negatively about a friendship that has run its course.

You don’t need to go in to detail and it would be unfair to put your son in a position where he has to either defend you or to keep a secret.

Witchesbritches · 02/11/2018 16:32

If it was me I would tell him that I’m sorry it affected his friendship & you can understand him being upset about it, but that it wasn’t a case of you abandoning his friends mum when she needed you, but that she was making choices that you just couldn’t support. Tell him that they’re her private choices that you can’t discuss with him, but are confident that when he’s an adult he will understand why you couldn’t be friends with her anymore. Tell him that his friend is welcome anytime and that you’re quite able to be civil with his mum when necessary.

Flip