Is this enough?

[futilityutility]

I feel very confused and angry but I'm not sure if I'm being irrational.
30 years marriage sexless for a long time. We get on well as friends although I think he's not keen to do much with me .
Small things like last week carrying bags for my sister while I carted shopping about.
Now this week he's away on a work trip. Been gone for 4 nights two WhatsApp's to a family group in that time.
Not a single phone call
He will be back tomorrow
I have a very easy life work part time, some nice holidays etc, but I feel very unloved and frankly lonely.
He helps in house and is very nice but we sit separately at night after dinner every night
I almost don't know what I'm asking I realise I'm very lucky really after all I'm no catch overweight and frumpy in all honesty
But I see how friends and family are with their partners and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed when I see how they are valued in comparison.
Have I got a fantasy of what a marriage should be?
I really don't think he has any real interest in me at all.
This non contact really does emphasise to me how little he thinks of me but I'm not sure what to do?
What do I want?
Cannot speak about this to anyone as I am not close enough to anyone to confide in them, which I suppose speaks volumes about me
I doubt I'd end the relationship but is this it? And if so is it that bad most of the time I'm ok with things.

What do you want?
I will be honest and tell you that at our age a lot of men are like this.
Other posters will come along and tell you that you deserve more there is someone better out there for you etc.
I’m attractive, slim, kind, intelligent, funny and rich. I have a fantastic job my children are grown up. I own my house, my car, I have no debt, lots of fabulous friends and hobbies where I meet new people all the time. No man, lots of dates, lots of interest. I get lonely and I am alone. Men in their late 40s early 50s are an interesting breed, either they want to relive their youth and are looking for a much younger woman or they have ED and have bought a bicycle. I just can’t be bothered anymore.
Have you talked about your feelings with your husband?

What does he say about it?

Gosh think you just described my life

What does he think? Do you do nice things for him, try to talk, initiate closeness etc. It doesn't all just happen on its own. Could you have got stale over the years and fallen into silly habits and individual lives. Could you try slowly to reignite things and change the dynamic of the relationship? Why not try, do small things - see if he's interested in coming closer together. Sounds like you feel low and under confident about everything at the moment. are you looking after yourself in other ways?

For me it honestly was love at first sight with him. I was 18 so was he. He was not interested in me sexually but we were friends. I did have a few boyfriends and eventually we got together. I was always besotted with him. He's clever and nice looking and a kind person.
But I think he stuck with me because I liked him so much.
We have children but that means we must have been v fertile because the sex was always missing.
No I have never spoken to him about how I feel.-he really holds the reigns I realise.
I'm really frightened to rock any boats. Wow I'm using all the cliches
He's a good enough dad -hes interested in the children and they love him they are early 20's now but he has always kept everything to himself listens to music on headphones rather than share etc
I ask him what he wants, does he want to go away do things just with me ,he says yes but he doesn't really.
We are ending up always doing things with other people all the time.
It's fun but I see all the others make time for themselves as couples.
We are going away this weekend with 2 other couples and already I cringe at the thought if the husbands carrying the wives suitcases etc while I will carry my own for example. Yes I realise this is pathetic and is more about how I feel about myself as a big fat lump, but I am acutely aware of how different our relationship is than our friends
And yet I know I'm fortunate to be going away for a weekend.
Agghhh I need to get a grip.

Hi OP, I think you need to work on your self esteem here. You are putting yourself down a lot and there is a saying that if you don't love yourself no one else is going to do so. Perhaps if you felt a bit more positive about yourself you would see more options for your life than feeling ignored and unsupported.

What would make you happier with your life in general? You have said about being overweight twice in your post, can you take up a sport that would help you improve your fitness and help you lose weight? Doing some form of exercise will help you feel more positive about yourself and give you a boost.

Your DH sounds as though he no longer feels as though you are a proper couple and doesn't treat you as someone who he needs to care about which is sad for you both after so long together. Is it worth having a heart to heart with him about how you feel and asking if you can try spending more quality time together? Perhaps there is a hobby or interest that you can both take up which would give you a joint interest, this would give you some common ground to talk about rather than just the mundane house and kids conversations.

It sounds like it's always been an unbalanced relationship in terms of who cares more - or at least you've always felt that way. I'm not sure there's a cure for that.

It's whether this is enough for you as it is. (It's unlikely the dynamic will change, and certainly won't while you're unable to speak to him about how you feel).

Whether you're willing to risk addressing it with him. (Is it possible he thinks you're happy the way things are and he's just complacent?)

Whether you would actually be happier out of it. (Being on your own has its upsides. Currently you're brought low under the weight of feeling unloved and lonely while in a relationship, which is crushing. It might be better out.)

I wonder if he's gay?

Personally if I were you I'd cut my losses and leave and start again. Apart from a roof over your head your life seems empty.

Of course you're lucky to be going away but, my goodness, a loveless life is hell and no amount of weekends away compensate for that.

Feeling unloved, unappreciated and unvalued kills people. I'm not joking - this is precisely the stuff that ends peoples' lives prematurely. So take this seriously. It is serious and has always been serious. No wonder you're a 'fat lump' if this is the hellish life you live

I would tell him that you are not going on this weekend away. And again this is with two other couples, its never been the two of you has it?.

I was going to write similarly as to what springydaff has written. This is a pitiful existence honestly. Would you want your adult children to have a relationship like yours?. No you would not so why has it been supposedly good enough for you?.

I think you and he are together out of habit and fear of the unknown and the fact too that neither one of you is brave enough currently to end this loveless charade. He gets what he wants out of this(i.e. someone to look after him and keep house) but you, what is in this exactly for you?. What are you getting out of this relationship now that is worth having?.

Has it always been like this OP? Did you do things just the two of you in the earlier years? Did you have fun together? Or has it always been like this? The way you describe your relationship sounds quite one-sided from the start but maybe this is your unhappiness talking???