So here's what's going down

[cakeandaverice]

I've been with my partner for over 20 years. We both have adult children, but none together.
It's always been a drama. I don't know, maybe that suits our personality types.
Anyway 18 months ago it really kicked off big style. We didn't speak for weeks and I started having ideas about living nearer to my children (help with childcare etc). Meanwhile he had some work on and he came and went. I didn't take much notice to be honest. It was impasse to say the least. But there was no real concrete plan. He did say that he understood if I wanted to leave. We have a large house....it's easy to avoid each other. Also I think it's worth mentioning that I really like my own company. I have a good balance between real life people and chat rooms (hobby)
One morning i caught a glimpse of him... I had previously been avoiding him... and he looked like shit. I knew he had been drinking heavily in the evenings. As far as I know though he didn't go out.
I had an attack of the guilts. Started thinking that we were too bloody long in the tooth for this shit. I don't find it easy to back down but decided that I would.
So I approached him and reiterated more or less the above.
He was a bit hesitant but went along with it. My thinking was that I love and respect and cherish so many people in my life, perhaps I should just extend this to him. And he may respond in the same way as all my other (for want of another word) darlings.
Within a couple of days we were laughing, having fun and sort of back to where we started out. I was really trying to treat him in the same way as I treat my own. Maybe he felt it was forced...but it really wasn't.
Soooo. Within a week of me swallowing my pride and being mrs nice guy I had a message from my friend saying her sister thought she had seen him on a dating site. I literally lolled! More fool me.
Long story short.... he had joined and he was still on it while I was making a mug of myself by being so fucking nice! This is the sticking point!
First he denied it (his first major mistake). Then he blamed me?? (Second mistake) Apparently because I said I was leaving. I was still fucking there and likely to be for some time! He didn't apologise (third serious mistake)
I think I was in shock and disbelief and everything rolled along for another week or so. Then I discover he's STILL on the site and taking messages! I have no evidence he replied but I know he read all his messages (I know most of them are from bots) because they were in his history. THEN I had phone calls from online estate agent asking for details of the house I was selling?? WTAF!
We had to go away for a while and I put it out of my mind as best I could, because realistically there was no opportunity for him to cheat.

But as soon as we returned he bounced back to his old ways which had now become suspicious. I honestly never questioned any of this before!
Always on his computer (door closed) by a certain time of night. Phone glued to him. Late night whatsap chats. When I pull him up on this he loses it!
Well I've done enough research on cheaters to know that he fits the bill perfectly. Gaslighting, yelling to shut me down ... my god his voice is loud and screeching! Yuck!
Also he becomes like a 10 year old. I'm going to make a BIG mess and I won't clean it up. Normally he does his share of housework. We had started decorating and now he's not 'playing'. So there's stuff everywhere .
The reason for the new strop is that he lied about spending family time with his ex wife and I called him out on it. I have NEVER objected to that before but now that he's not who I thought he was, I find it unacceptable. Also he went to a lot of effort to show me pics of another ex he had decided to download. What is he playing at?
As far as I can see I only respond to his shitty behaviour. But he sees me as the bad guy.
So the question is ....
Is he having affairs ? This is actually unlikely.
Does he have a thing for his ex wife (she left him) this is much more likely. I'm thinking finances
Is he having an emotional affair with his other ex?
Is he getting a kick out of making me paranoid?

But hey vipers let me tell you I really don't care! I checked out after the initial betrayal.mainly because there was no real remorse from him. He was just sorry he got caught
! I have a fabulous family. They know some of what's gone on and are disgusted. They are currently under instruction to treat him the same as before. But what's my best move? We own our home outright and have some other assets.
It would be more financially viable for me to stay put and I think he would prefer that. I told him he's free to do what he likes but not in my home. He vehemently denies that's not what he wants (haha)
I want to remain dignified. I also want to disentangle from his family especially his elderly parents but that feels cruel. So many looses ends. Should I just put the for sale sign up and file for divorce? It's hard at my age. Be kind .
Oh, and apologies for long post. I've missed so much out!

You. Need to sit down with him and have a talk. If you both have emotionally moved on from each other ( sounds like it) then consider staying friends and dating other people..because you have already told him that
If u want to make it work again see relate
Do u still have sex?
Sounds like you have moved on tbh. Consider a divorce and selling up and getting your own little place. Life is too short to be wasted..he wants to cheat on you. He disrespects you and your home and acts like a kid..Get rid

It doesn't really sound worth working at or saving. Will you lose out financially if you split? Are your assets protected? You have too much self-respect to be treated like this. You have a plan. Go for it.

Thank you so much for the replies. Until 18 months ago I trusted him implicitly. He doesn't seem to realise that once the trust is gone a whole chasm of possibilities opens up. I have become hyper vigilant. I see things that are probably not happening.

If he had been honest in the first place and deleted his profile I would have forgotten about it by now.
I genuinely don't understand why he didn't.

My son has two young children. They live a couple of hours away so I'm not able to help them out on a daily basis. Should I just sell up and go live near them? At least that way I'd feel cherished.

He has innocent explanations for everything. Photos of other ex were downloaded with a bunch of old photos of his kids.
He didn't know ex wife was going to event.
He watches films upstairs ( he does ) but what else is he up to?
I no longer trust him to tell the truth.

Im flogging a dead horse aren't I?

And on top of that he throws tantrums and my house is currently a bombsite! Fucking manchild!

Also does anyone know if last seen on whatsap is accurate? He denies being on late at night. I've blocked him on there because I don't want to know!

But hey vipers let me tell you I really don't care! I

Why are you writing huge long reams of text on here, then?

I've seen many threads where people have decided to go their own way - or in your case, you decided you wanted to leave - but stay in the same house for ages while they short their shit out. Quite often one of those people get on dating sites because they consider themselves free agents now, having been put on notice the relationship is over. Maybe he was fairly certain that despite your attack of the "guilts" you were still probably going to go?

You talk about weeks where you didn't speak or even see each other because it's "such a large house". That's the behaviour of teenagers, not people in their (at least) 40s.

This relationship died years ago, not recently with his (agreed) shitty behaviour. Stop pratting each other around, call it a day, move out, divorce, go live nearer your children. Life's too short for this shit.

Shatner I agree!
The reason I wrote reams is that I have reams in my head.
It IS a big house. It's two actually... so it's easy to go off and do your own thing.
We're both childish and pathetic. He's worse though 

That was supposed to include a winky face

My son has two young children. They live a couple of hours away so I'm not able to help them out on a daily basis. Should I just sell up and go live near them? At least that way I'd feel cherished.

I think if you do end the relationship (which from the sounds of it you need to) you ought to try and find a way to cherish yourself OP. If you’re always reliant on others to feel wanted and needed then you’re up shit creek when those relationships go wrong. I don’t think going from this to relying on being near your son to make you feel better is the answer, maybe they’d be happy for the help but I’m guessing they have their own lives too?

It’s a strength to be able to know you’re okay and can cope alone, with your own company. It’ll take some adjustment after such a long relationship but take your time, don’t rush any major things like moving hours away. And make sure you ask your son genuinely if he would want you to help them daily before assuming.

It's over, get the sale sign on that house now, it took me over two years to sell my place, and living together for that time was hell!

I'm slightly confused, you sort of verbally agree to end the relationship and then decide that you want back in but he is on dating sites when you guys no longer talk for better part than a year and now feel like he is doing you over?

Sorry I'm a bit confused as to why you ended it in the first place if you didn't want him to move on? Why don't you guys talk.. I feel like both of you let your relationship slide.

I don't mean any offence by this I genuinely don't get it

Put the house up for sale, get divorced, move nearer to your son. Life's too short to be miserable.

It sounds like you're attempts at being nice to him were completely dependent on him reacting in a good way. You said you treated him like your "darlings". Does this mean you have people in your life who see you as their sweet, fluffy, always-kind friend? And you wanted to see if he'd react positively to that as a way forward?

Then when it turned out he'd behaved like he was single, when you were living as separate people in the same house, you were enraged that you had been 'tricked' into treating him nicely.

You either make an effort in good faith or not at all. You can't blame him for reacting well when you were nice, or behaving as if he was single when he thought he was single.

And you shouldn't be dictating how the rest of the family behaves with him either. Leave them out of your relationship, let other people decide if they want anything to so with him. That's their business.

If your relationship has always been dramatic, where does it start? With this point scoring and emotional game-playing? Is this the way most of your relationships are but on a milder level?

Think it all through, see if you can calmly go forward with splitting up if you need to. Or both try growing up in time to see if your relationship is worth saving.

No. We didn't not talk for a year. It was a couple of weeks of bare minimum contact. Then he made 'the mistake' out of frustration I guess. But I did NOT see that coming. My reality shifted.

When I wrote my original rambling post it came from a place of anger. I've calmed down now. Im amazed at how much this is helping!

We've always had a volatile relationship... think Irish/Italian.
But we've also always had each other's backs.

I feel like he isn't remorseful enough. I feel like until he, is then I want to punish him!

I have an ability to compartmentalise my feelings. But they need to come out in the end. So here we are!
I'm furious at him again! And now I'm beginning to think these feelings will last forever and I should just walk away. Problem is that the fury translates into 'I don't care'. Is becoming obvious to me that I really, really do!

I think I also feel bad that I can't help my son and his wife. I do loads but regular child care would make such a difference to their lives.

I know these are separate issues.

I should add that he's now getting on with the decorating.

Also to tell you the truth I know there is nothing between him and his ex wife. It was probably just a stick to beat him with. She's happily married and often comes here with the grandsons.

Jeez. I'm a mess!

Peekyboo. In a nutshell I guess you're right!

I never lose my temper with anyone else ever.

It's me isn't it?

Noooo, it's not you, it's your reaction to someone who holds all the keys to your life.

You know, hard as it would be, counselling sounds like a great idea for you both.

Also, do you think you could be using anger as a way to avoid admitting how devastated and hurt you are?

Or are you wanting him to be an absolute villain so you have an excuse to hate him and be angered by him.

Or it could be both?

Seems like you both just have your own life & your just like living together & nothing more. I think you have made up your mind that your leaving, its your life do what is best for you or if your not sure then try & go on some date nights do things together & try to get the love back x

OP, make your move, he's clearly trying to start up a relationship with another woman then will probably make his move; don't wait for more humiliation; he remained on the dating site, you're right, it says it all; I'd honestly not be able to share a home with him anymore, he's just waiting on his time to go or make his move; possibly saving some dosh at the same time, you need to do the same.

What do you think he's doing when he's hiding behind a shut door glued to his screen; if he was bothered would he not actually make an effort in your direction, I'd go by his actions and act accordingly.