Depressed, or faking to get me back?

[whyraed]

I was casually seeing a guy Xmas time beginning of the year.
I broke it off with him. But for months now he keeps telling me he can't live without me and he's depressed. His number is blocked but he calls of withheld and leaves voicemails .He has been known to say he doesn't want to live anymore without me. We still have to see each other time to time due to reasons beyond our control but I make sure I don't even give him eye contact.

But then I find out things like he's dressed up for Halloween or he's kidding around with his friends.

I'm starting to feel really responsible for his 'depression' and it makes me feel so guilty but then the things I see doesn't make it seem like he's depressed.

Do you think he's saying it to get me back. He was extremely controlling when we saw each other and up until recently too.

Or do you think he's trying to hide his depression but acting a fool?

Any advice if you've been through similar?

Has he actually been diagnosed with depression?

Run for the hills!

As far as I know he hasn't been to a doctor. And I'm 99% sure this is something he would tell me.

No he's manipulative. Even if he had depression, it doesn't mean you are obligated to have a relationship with him. Tell him you've made it clear you don't want contact and you'll talk to police if he doesn't stop. And be careful...he sounds the type to turn up at your home etc.

Run, and don't look back.

oh mug him off then. He sounds like a loser just trying to make you feel guilty. Even if he has got depression, you can't cure it can you? Because if you had the cure for depression you'd be a billionaire

Tell him you're concerned about him and are getting in touch with his parents/doctor, you will find out very quickly.

I fell for this one years ago, with me rushing back to the estranged ex because he'd just made a "suicide attempt." This went on for 2 years. Why I didn't just tell his parents I don't know. I was 15 and he was 22 and I wasn't supposed to be seeing him as my parents didn't approve for obvious reasons. To my knowledge, 17 years on he's still alive and well. As someone who has experienced severe depression which has got out of hand, I would say it's the people who don't make suicide threats who really need watching carefully.

I would never disregard any such threat from anyone but it is not the basis to reinstate a relationship and the right thing to do is get help for them from family/medical professionals. If they suddenly backtrack you probably have the answer to your question

He used to turn up at my home. Park outside my house begging me to talk. Never aggressive. Just... in a sad way.
I think it's the lying that's bothering me most. Why would someone lie about having a serious illness. I can't get my head around that.

I'd love to suggest telling his parents but his sister has sent me vile messages and his mam can't stand me. And for no reason at all. It's all very strange and it's really knocked my confidence this year. I'm feeling slightly better this month but I want it to stop completely so I enjoy Xmas with my family and not have him in the back of my mind.

Not your responsibility at all. Ignore. He's still controlling you by making you worry about him and feel guilty. Does he feel guilty for contacting you when he knows you don't want it? Nope. If he is genuinely depressed (doubtful) it is not your fault in any way. Can't you change your number?

I have had a number of bouts of serious depression- diagnosed by psychiatric consultant.

No one is responsible for this & it is on me to seek the help I need.

Block, out the phone down, dodge the bullet.

Thanks guys. I have been completely silent since the weekend now. And I've been 100% clear that I do not want to be with him for months and months The voicemails are still coming. Do you suggest I carry on with the ghosting (if I can call it that. He knows the reasons why I don't want to message him), or do I send him one more message saying it stops now or police.

From my own experience of this behaviour, it can take a very long time for them to give up. In the case of my first boyfriend it was years in total. I would call the police and report your concerns and give them his address so a doctor can see him. They can also tell him not to keep contacting you and that they can escalate the matter if he continues

Yes one message saying stop or police.

Be sure to follow through on police.

And in answer to your question about why someone would fabricate something like this - it's because trying to talk to you like a normal person does hasn't worked. He thinks he has to escalate it by making you fear for his safety to get your attention. His thought process is probably along the lines of; if he can get you to actually sit down and listen to him then he can convince you to reconcile. It's all a twisted control mechanism. I do think you'll find that if he discovers he has someone on his doorstep trying to section him whenever he comes out with this stuff he will stop very quickly

You can probably block his number so you just don’t get the voicemails. Depending on your phone type it might take a bit of configuring but your provider should be able to talk you through it or google will have the answer. Alternatively can you turn the voicemail off temporarily?

Call the local police, let them know he’s made suicide threats but you aren’t in a position to help. Give them his contact info. They will perform a welfare check if it’s appropriate. That alone might stop him.

Change your phone number.

Keeping on like this, trying to get round being blocked etc, is bad behaviour, stalker-y.

Don't let him draw you back. You broke up for good reason. His mental health is not your responsibility. Relationships are not therapy, and you're not his counsellor.