Heartbroken today

[Heartbrokentoday]

I’ve namechanged for this but I would love if you could read and offer some kind of advice to me . I am friends with a man for the last ten years. We have got closer and closer and while boundaries I have been crossed we have never Have a sexual relationship. We confide in eachother and work together. We are your typical colleagues that have turned into close friends and text alot in the evening and at weekends . We are mutually complimentary and regularly tell eachother that we love eachother . I’m almost like a big sister to him. Some time ago he got quite complimentary about the physical side of me and I loved the ego boost. In fact, I found myself making more of an effort with my health and fitness and appearance because of that I think. We certainly bring out the best in eachother and he has definitely helped me to become a softer, kinder person. For other reasons, we would never have got together romantically but he has recently met a woman. He is talking things very slow as he has a lot of commitment and other relationship issues and she also has been stamped on emotionally for years by a long term partner. He told me everything g, sought advice which I gave honestly . I would, for himself, love to have seen him get some counselling for his difficulties as to bring them into a new relationship, could only cause pain and dissatisfaction on the future if marriage and babies were prt of his plans. She has also had a tough life and isonly straight out of a long term situation. She is dying to settle down and have a baby. He ignored the advice, which of course I totally understand and is now in a relationship with this girl . So I’m heartbroken and I’m trying to figure out why? I don’t love him romantically, we will never be together and that’s mutual. His flaws and my flaws would never be compatible eg I’m strong willed and ruthless when someone hurts me, he is self absorbed and has huge denial issues surrounding relationships etc His texts have all but stopped and only text a when he has. nothings else to do although he texts a lot when he is with her . He is still as sweet and kind as ever on a personal level but I feel confused and let down and dumped essentially. Sorry for the long winded post . I’m trying to make sense of it all.

Whether or not you are in love with him, this new relationship is a big threat to your close relationship and he has already stopped connecting with you so much. That's really tough even if it wasn't a romantic relationship between you.

Yes you’re right. The connection is beginning to fade and I’m really upset about that. Should I acknowledge that with him or just let him go. He helped me through such sadness over the last few years and it really cemented what a great person I think he is . I miss his phone contact but maybe it’s a lesson not to be dependant on the contact and not to be so available . Should I broach it with him?

Sorry to hear you're upset, but I actually think you need to accept that he's now in a romantic relationship with someone else and let it go.

Maybe it's time to find some romance for yourself? Or have you seen other people in the 10 years you've been friends with this man?

I know you’re right but I’m here with a lump on my throat all evening . I thought his fling was over but instead he said that all is going well. I feel a mixture of sadness, anger at myself for being too available and giving , loneliness and panic almost. Do I sound crazy. I’ve a knot in my stomach. The thought of losing him as a friend breaks my heart . I’ve no interest in anything
romantic

I think this is a lesson in friendships. Is important to gave a broader base and not just focus on one friend. Time for you to start building some new friendships or picking up some old ones.

To be honest if I lost my best friend, due to a new romantic relationship of hers, I would be devastated. She is the most significant adult relationship I have.

Her brother is my Dp. I was so careful that she didn't feel I had picked him over her and we didn't lose that connection. Although, she is kind of my sil, the friendship we have is primary.

I think, given, he has taken such a huge step back, it's understandable that you are upset.

Yes I really am heartbroken. I invested so much on our friendship, trusted him with so
Much and vice Versa. Do I talk to him about it or does that sound ridiculous? Sometimes I feel he is token texting me if you know what I mean.. he always instigated the texts: calls etc .. now I feel like he’s just replying almost out of duty . Do I pull right back ? We work together and seek eachother out all the time .. lunches: chats: coffees etc. It’s too painful to be cut them from five pm instead of our usual all evening/ weekend chats

I hate to say this, but you should be happy for your friend. Even if it makes you a little sad for the loss of intensity. That’s what growing up and becoming adult entails. People want relationships, you say you don’t want one with him. But you’re not acting like it

Thanks for being straight and you’re right I should be so happy for him but he acknowledged that he needs a lot of therapy surrounding relationships and commitment and was all on for counselling but then met this lovely girl
Who says she accepts him exactly as he is and of course he naturally has decided to bury all these complex problems for now. These problems are ones which are so deep seated that they will, and he absolutely says this himself, destroy any marriage or attempts at fatherhood . She knows some but not all of his issues and she is so desperate to settle with him, her words, that she is willing to accept him as he is now . I love to see him happ, of course I do, but anyone who knows the whole story can see that it’s a set up for disaster down the line. Selfishly, I miss the communication and feel dumped so to speak . He has cut contact right back, and as we are male and female, I know from him , from what she has said , that there’s no way she’ll accept me as one of his closest friends . He is already texting me when she is in the shower or out of the room, and on dates together. Surely if he had nothing to hide, which he doesn’t romantically, he would be open and transparent . We know so much about eachother and are so close that I feel really really sad that this is possibly the beginning of the end for us as friends . Real
Friends are so hard to come by and I have three really close friends, of which he is one and I just don’t want to lose him. If we were both female this wouldn’t even be an issue

My closest ever friend was male.... he was a friends DH, we knew both of them through the kids and formed a good friendship. When she left him, he was devastated and moved in with us for 6 months while he got back on his feet and saved up for a deposit on a house.

We nurtured and loved him back to health, he'd been so down and depressed I was scared to leave him alone, and we had such a deep bond. It was never sexual or an attraction in any way, he was like the brother I'd never had.

Then he met someone. Moved in with her in 2 weeks, all full on and intense. She was an alcoholic single parent of 4 and within weeks had had her kids removed by SS. He was the knight in shining armour who was going to save her, except he didn't stand a prayer. He changed overnight, i barely knew him anymore let alone like him. It was like a bereavement and I've never got close to anyone again like it, I couldn't survive that level of hurt again.

It's a real eye opener OP to see a side of someone that you don't like. He's making bad choices, and I'd say back right off unless you have the strength and energy to be the one who puts him back together again after it all goes wrong. He's dropped you like a stone for someone he barely knows. Ergo he doesn't value you anywhere near as much as you value him sadly. Look after yourself

But the problem is op you sound very invested to an unhealthy level.
These are all his issues and his mistakes to make. You are not his carer
We all have friends we love, we watch them fuck up, but we let them. And be there when they need us.
But this sounds almost like you were hoping he would sort all his problems out enough then you can be the knight in shining armour?
I would wonder why this hurts you so much. Because it’s pretty standard behaviour amongst friends, they meet someone who becomes their priority.

God no! I didn’t want to be a knight in shining armour at all! The truth is I am sick of being his go to person when his relationships invariably fail . I have no relationship with my brother but with him I have a long standing mutually loving friendship . Here we go again.. with the issues/ heartbreak / advice / hand holding . But this time , I was honest.. I told him like I saw it and let him
Go. It’s desperately hard to watch someone you love walk straight back into the fire at your own cost . This time he is upset that I’ve been so honest but o was sick of beating around the bush so to speak . I am
Sad that in order to progress this relationship, that he has essentially reduced contact to a point and thereby render me as just somebody that he used to know ..I am
Sad that he has left the intensity of our friendship . It meant so much to me . The truth of it is that I have often felt emotionally drained from
Him and this time I just told him that he needed to sort out his own stuff now as it’s their relationship and not my business . Still I am left very sad today . I’m emotionally
Caught between being a confidante and walking away from the same old nonsense every year or two

In that case, like lots of very (over) empathic people in life, you probably attract people who can lean on you. But good true friendships or lives shouldn’t be like this.
It’s probably a good thing he’s distanced himself. Grieve the relationship.
And perhaps in the future don’t give yourself wholly to someone who doesn’t give back

Thanks. I woke up feeling better and wanted to say thanks . Accept , move on and let go and don’t be so available . The strength of my feeling really unnerved me. I literally felt so heavy hearted. I know now he doesn’t value me as I do him but yet when I’ve tried to pull away before, when we got too intense , he just kept pursuing thre friendship and almost would t accept my need of distance and space . I suspect that this will happen again and I find that hard as I don’t feel strong enough.

It’s almost as though he knows you’re always there for him, and then he drops you once you’re in deep again. That’s really not a nice thing to do to anyone. Try and think about that next time he comes back to you, which he will. You’re worth more than that

Do you ever want more than a celibate relationship with your best friend? Like marriage and a family? Have you had any relationships in the 10 years you've been best friends?

With the intensity of the relationship and the constant communication in the evenings and at weekends, it's hard to see how you would have had the time or inclination to get close to anyone else.

From an outsider's point of view, it doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship for either of you. You say that when he complimented you on your appearance, it gave you a boost. Deep down, were you hoping that one day you'd be more than friends and he doesn't feel the same. If not, then you're being a bit of a dog in the manger.

Your objection that he shouldn't have a serious sexual relationship until he's sorted himself out could be a way of deferring the inevitable day when someone else will be the most important person in his life. It sounds as if you think no one would be right for him until he's done something that is unlikely to happen, and that makes you feel safe.

I can understand that you would feel dumped and hurt that someone else is taking up so much of his attention. But the intensity of your feelings should be a warning sign that you're over-invested in this friendship and perhaps have constructed a false narrative as to its true nature to justify your concerns.

Whether the new relationship lasts or not, it might be a good idea to think about your own issues and work on expanding your circle so you aren't so dependent on one person to the extent of limiting your own opportunities for a truly fulfilling relationship.

Thanks you’ve all given me a lot to reflect on over the weekend. Yes I seem to have cared too much about his issues when in reality he didn’t care too much .he seems to be contacting me more than ever over the last few days, and trying to make plans for nights out/ coffees etc . Maybe he felt like o had pulled back which I really did text wise, based on your advice . He possibly senses it , he has just spent days with his family having a wonderful time and again his poor girlfriend was left hanging by a string waiting for him to be free while he is off having fun and contacting me and all of his other friends .His usual habits of avoiding the inevitable . I see that he doesnt value me as much as i do him and I really appreciate you pointing out the obvious when the truth was staring me in the face . He will be back looking for the shoulder to cry on soon enough if his form is anything to go by but this time I’m not going to be as available

You rsound overly invested in this man to the point of almost obsession. I think you need to admit you are keen on him to yourself (not to him ) and just make a clean break away from him. For your own ability to move on (not for some little game to get him to come running). Try OLD or speed dating , you need to just forget about him and start to focus on your own happiness