Should I go to my aunt's funeral? Please help.

[FuckKnuckle]

This will probably be long. I will try not to drip feed, but if I was to write the whole backstory and all its ramifications we would be here until the New Year.

My DM did not get on with her sister (the aunt in question). That is, she did at first - I remember going round to her house as a child, and her family all coming to ours - but my aunt and her husband did some things that upset my DM and DD. DM has told me about these events, but of course I've only ever heard the one side. Contact gradually faded and ceased. My DM also projected her anger onto my aunt's children, my cousins, and on the few occasions we met up she was downright nasty to them, partly because they didn't visit my DD when he was ill - but then, me and my DB never visited her sister either. I suspect they didn't want to rock the boat and upset their parent by visiting "the enemy" any more than we did.

My aunt died last week, and my cousins have offered an olive branch in the form of some really nice emails, inviting me to the funeral and a get together afterwards. They have also asked for my DB's contact details.

I would like to go to the funeral. I like my cousins and I would like to meet up with them and bury the hatchet. BUT...my DB has already sent me a message basically saying, fine, you can give them my contact details, but they'd better not be trying to organise a family meet up.

DB has always been closer to DM than I have - I had a bit of a dysfunctional upbringing, but that's a whole other story. He helped her stay in her home until it became impossible (he has no family or partner, and I live a fair distance away and have a family of my own - I did, and do, visit when I can), and now that she is in a care home, he still visits her a great deal. I think he has really taken her side over this business with her sister, and if I go to the funeral he (and she, if she understands) will see it as a gross betrayal of my family loyalties.

It's difficult to judge what is going on with my DB. He is not in a good place mentally, and despite my best attempts to keep in contact, he will only reply or contact me when he wants something. I know how harsh that sounds, but it is true.

Please help me to sort this out in my head. Personally I want to go to the funeral, but I've spent so much of my life trying to please everybody else, I don't know what I should do...

I think you should go, it’s sounds like you want to. I wouldn’t bother giving them your brothers details though.
How bad was the fall out? And what was it about? It was affairs, something horrible or illegal I might have a rethink.

My dm and her dsis were nc. I myself hadn't seen either for years. I still went to da funeral.
If you want to go then go. Don't get dragged into other family members drama.

Don't give them your brothers details. Only he can give permission for that by giving them himself.

But go if you want to. Might be an opportunity for other family for you.

Go, you don't even know why they fell out and it's not your argument or your cousins. You should try to have a relationship with them, fgs your aunt is dead now anyway so it's not even like you're being "disloyal" to your mother anyway

oh yeah regarding your brothers details maybe give him theirs and tell them he will contact them if he wants to go?

Go to the funeral; don't tell your Dm or DB unless they specifically ask. (I am NC with my sister and will have this exact scenario when my DM passes)

And don't pass on your DBs details - give him theirs then it's his decision. Don't take responsibility for that.

Go to the funeral but do not pass on your brothers contact details. Sounds like your brother and yourself do not have a very close relationship so I would not bother telling your brother you are going.

Thankyou for the replies - I can't tell you how helpful they are.

@SheRa, I can't give you details of what the fall out was about - they would be far too identifying! - but no, no affairs. Nothing illegal. And it was all done in the generation before ours - I don't want to not speak to my cousins because of our parents not getting on.

@Santa, I read your sentence, "Don't get dragged into other family members drama", to my DH (he's been an absolute saint through a whole lot of related aggro), and he said, "YES! Exactly!" So thankyou for that!

@Santaclarita, I think that's a large part of why I want to go. It would be so lovely to have some family (apart from my DH and offspring) who want to be in contact with me.

Goodness, I can't keep up! Thankyou all so much.

Excellent advice about giving DB their details and telling them he'll be in touch if he wants to.

I do try to sort everything out for everybody and avoid conflict at any cost. I've really got to stop it.

I think it is a good idea to meet up with your cousins. The rift was nothing to do with any of you and you might find you can be friends. Life is short. Don't bother discussing the matter with your brother any more, he's already made his mind up.

In years to come, I imagine you're more likely to regret not going to your aunt's funeral and seeing your cousins, than you would regret actually going and offending your mum, dad and brother.

Yes I think you should go. Similar stupid things have happened in my family and we seem to have wasted so many years NOT speaking to each other!

Seize the olive branch! Agree that your DB can contact them himself if he wants to go. I suspect he won't but that's up to him.

I don't know why grown ups can't just be grown ups.
Definitely go.
Sounds like you'll find some nice family members in doing so as well.
Seems to me your DMum and DBro aren't that great anyway.
So what have you go to lose?

You mention that your upbringing was dysfunctional and I would imagine your DM was a significant part of that.

She should not be trying to prevent you -
as an adult- from having a relationship with your relatives, or giving you a hard time for doing so. If she does then she is the one making problems, not you. She may want to be no contact with them, but she has no right to take that decision for you.

Your cousins sound altogether more sane and reasonable and it would be a shame to cut yourself off from family who seem to be potentially nicer people than your 'closer' family.

I don't know why grown ups can't just be grown ups - because some grown-ups are fucking toxic, that's why.

As I said, i will have this scenario when my DM passes, as I am NC with my toxic sister. I am being a 'grown-up' and surrounding myself with people who love me, rather than 'family' who use me. When DM passes, I will have my own little family of dP and dc and friends, and no siblings. And that's fine.

Brilliant, lovely people. Thankyou soooo much!

You have all helped me clear my head and see through the FOG (because I'm now sure that's at the heart of this) - I'm going to "seize that olive branch"

One thing I hadn't thought about, though, was giving my cousin my DB's email - I was just automatically going to do it, as I'm so used to trying to organise him - but you're all right. I'll just send him our cousins' emails and tell him if he wants to know more, feel free to contact them.

Thankyou all again. I feel I can finally breathe!

I hope you do go.

As a person with quite a few siblings, the one thing I've learned over the years is that although my siblings & I all have the same parents & extended family, our experiences of our upbringing are different. And that's OK.

So your DB can make different choices from you about your shared family. And he's free to do so, just as you are free to make your decisions & choices. It's all OK.

Just dropping in to say I have sent my DB my cousin's email address and have told my cousins I will be going. I feel terrific this morning - you have all helped me make a decision and stick to it. And I had such a lovely email back from my cousin when I said I'd be there.

Thankyou!

That's a nice update OP.
It's great to re-connect with nice family members.
Well done.

Oh that is lovely. Your cousins sound like good people.