Am I being a total mug to put up with this?

[Mockingbirddog]

Hi, I wonder if you could all put this situation into perspective for me?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months, we don’t live together, but we see each other a couple of time a week and he stays over at mine.

He’s been in his own for 20 years since he was widowed and left to bring up 6 young children. During this time he has had more tragedies in his life, his teenage daughter died, and his son was left paralysed after a car accident.

He was supported over the years by a woman friend that I’ll call Y. She now lives a long drive away.

My issue is that they are on the phone for hours each day, whether he’s with me or not. We went on holiday during the summer, and a large part of the day was spent with them being on the phone to each other.
His little grandson kept calling me Aunty Y, I said “no, I’m Aunty Z”, he replied ‘oh yes Aunty Y is the lady that Grandpa is on the phone to all the time”.

Whilst we are driving to a night out, for instance, it’s the same - he has her on loud speaker and just carries on as if I’m not there.

I have spoken to her briefly, and she comments on my Facebook, so she knows that I exist.

At the moment I’m on holidays with my grandchildren, so he has booked a week off work and gone to stay with her for the week.

I know of course that I can’t, and wouldn’t, dictate who his friends are, but surely this is not normal?

I have Aspergers, and I put up with my first husband having an affair for 12 years because my boundaries were skewed.

Well I suppose he did need support if he had six children to bring up on his own. What does he say about the relationship? Were they ever a couple?

It’s possible they are very close friends but the amount of time they are on the phone when you are with him is very rude and I wouldn’t put up with that myself.

Your boundaries are still skewed.
NO. I would not put up with this.
He can talk to her when you aren't together. No problem.
But while you are there and spending time together..?? NOT ON.
Have you spoken to him about it?
Told him that his time with you should be just that.
That it makes you feel uncomfortable and 2nd best when he spends so much time talking to her when he should be focusing on you?
Honestly??? I'd be outta there!

He’s not in this relationship with you, OP, is he - he’s still in a long distance emotional relationship with her.
It is beyond rude of him to ignore you and converse with her over the phone while in the car.
He is very clearly telling you his priorities, and you are not one of them. I would listen. And leave.

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, after the holiday that we went on together I told him that I was annoyed about being called Aunty Y all week, he replied that it’s just because Y has been around the family so long, and the little boy gets confused.

I have older children and they are all saying that he’s out of order.

I’m very non-confrontational - how do I tell him to stop the phone calls when he’s with me.

He’s says they’ve never had a relationship, she’s been married and divorced twice during this time, and her boyfriend has recently left her. Apparently he didn’t like the fact that she was having another man (my BF) to stop over.

By the way, we are both in our later 50’s - too old for silly games.