Anyone else have a quarter life crisis at 28?!

[Stixx]

I feel completely lost - all my friends are settled down with mortgages and children. I feel unhappy but can’t pinpoint on what.
So I’m searching for the perfect job but then not going ahead with interviews as I’m scared to give up my stable well paid job. I’m laying awake worrying at night that I’ll never save to buy a house while I’m renting but have no other option. I haven’t had a holiday for years and still have a credit card I need to pay off.
I’ve also recently got back together with an ex who, although lovely, I know deep down isn’t really the one.
Writing it down sounds a bit pathetic and I realise my “problems” aren’t really problems but to me it feels like I’m totally stuck and my life isn’t what I want it to be... Why do I suddenly feel like this and what can I do to try and change it

I genuinely think it’s really tough being young adults these days. The usual markers of success are increasingly hard to achieve.

I wonder if you know what makes you happy. Your list sounds like a list of expected achievements rather than anything individual to you. That’s where I’d start.

I'm 29 and feeling similarly....my life feels very in flux and up in the air, rather than settled and stable, as I imagined it would be approaching 30.

I think ultimately, age is just an arbitrary marker. Most things can happen at almost any age, and some things, like falling in love, you just can't plan for.

Deep down in your gut, do you know something that would make you happy? It doesn't need to be as big as a career or a man, what about a trip? Seeing gorillas in the wild? Spending a month on beaches in Thailand? Writing a novel? Doing a weekend class? One step can sometimes lead to bigger purpose. If you don't know, you can have fun experimenting.

Going for interviews wont do any harm, you don't usually tell your current employer until you've accepted a new job. Just go to the next interview.

I must admit I opened this wanting to ask whether youre intending to live to be 112...

Your friends seem to be in a different life phase by the sounds of it, that's why you're a bit down. You're young and free, pay the debt off then shake things up a bit - go for that new job or go travelling or retrain, why not? The world's your oyster.

YES.

Right this is going to sound like woo bollocks but look up “Saturn’s Return”.

I don’t normally buy into all that shit but it make total sense at the time.

Things really looked up for me when I turned thirty. Best age IMHO. Exciting and full of opportunities and adventures to come. And it just so happened to be the age I started believing in myself, quit trying to be such a people pleaser, began to see myself as an asset not a liability and (this is shallow) but for the first time realised I’m not bad looking.

Confidence is key here OP.

I'm late 40s now but remember that age being horrible. It was full of worry because I felt I should have my whole life sorted by then. In reality I was working in Asia, had lots of friends, was staying with my long term boyfriend because I felt I should etc.

What a waste of energy. Do what you want to Do, you are so young and you've got so much time to do what you need to do.

I ended up splitting with the boyfriend at 30, having a few relationships, moving back to Europe, having my eldest with an ex and my other kids with another 6 years later. I'm now late 40s with 4 kids, doing a job I love and have recently started seeing the most amazing man and I feel like a teenager again.

Most of my friends didn't have children or get married until mid 30s and they're all happy.

You don’t sound different to any 28 year olds I know (I’m 29). My view might be skewed as i live in London and literally no one I know is settled down with mortgages and kids so I doesn’t feel like I’m lagging behind (plus the fact that I can’t think of anything more hellish personally than having kids).

Do you actually WANT that life for yourself? Why not go to the interviews of the jobs you’re applying for? You don’t have to take the job if you’re offered it but going to an interview won’t do any harm. You won’t move on or progress if you don’t push yourself out of your comfort zone. Agree with the poster above that it sounds like you don’t know what makes you happy. I think traditional markers of ‘success’ are bollocks anyway, unless they’re something you personally want for yourself

No, although maybe I should have had one.?

I posted in another thread just now. I'm the same age as you. It may just be your friend circle. Lots of people at work and acquaintances and family members (including younger than me) are married or engaged with kids or pregnant etc. But almost all of my closer friend circle are single, dating, cohabiting. Two own property but only because a parent died unexpectedly young so they got some money for a deposit.

Lots of people leave things until longer. Don't panic.

If all your friends are settling down, make some new friends. Not to replace them, just to escape the banal kids/house chat. I've made friends through a hobby- real mixture of ages but find that my older friends (with grown up kids) can have a decent conversation without all that as it's sort of behind them (IYSWIM).

I'm so "behind" peers. I just got a decent masters degree but have stepped into a job where someone from school is my boss (who to be fair is a graduate but didn't waste 3 years on post-grad). No mortgage (live with parents again). No kids. Although have had a boyfriend for 4 years. Haven't been out of the UK for 7 years. It's fine! I try to remember why I want all these things (job, house, blah blah)....and it's often more about keeping up appearances than what I actually want or need. Apart from a mortgage, as I want to be able to live somewhere without my parents (have a pet from previous relationship limiting rental housing options).

Try not to worry about it. If you really want X. Then put a plan in place. Follow the plan but don't panic too much. Realistically you are not an anomaly. Your position is very common and sounds fine to me

I’m really touched by these replies... they mean so much and reading other people’s views helps a lot.

I agree, I’m focusing on what’s expected rather than thinking about what I actually want. I think that’s because I don’t really know what I want!

Also something to take into account, we are all susceptible to peer pressure. If all of your friends are married/have children/buying houses/single, whatever it is, we can feel we are doing something 'wrong' because we aren't where they are. Inside, we are all still really the same little kids who look to see what others are doing.

What's also confusing is, in the past, most people WOULD be doing the same thing. They'd be married and have kids and because everyone did the same, there would be a comfort to that. My 80 year old neighbour told me she never worried or stressed or wondered what else was out there, as her life was normal as everyone elses was, and there is comfort and purpose in that.

What's confusing about modern life is there are so many opportunities, which is great, but it can be confusing.

Should I get married, and to who?
Do I want children, if so when?
Where do I want to live?
What career do I want?

The rule book has been ripped up and we don't quite know what to do instead.

Finding like-minded people and slowly understanding what makes you happy is really all the purpose you need. You are young - it's okay to be confused and lost. This is the time to go exploring.

There's also social media giving us a window into how 'amazing' everyone else is. I've stopped looking and that has helped a LOT. I don't confuse what makes them happy with what makes me happy anymore.

I absolutely felt this at your age. Thinking that I’d been at work for a good few years, I should feel happy and settled and, well like a grown up.

All my peers seemed to be getting married and I was still out in short skirts in bars in Clapham. I was still dating unsuitable men, living in a house share etc. When I turned 30 it all slotted in to place for me and my early 30s were a fantastic time of feeling more confident, finding myself, doing things for me etc.

Stick at it. It will all fall in to place but it is an unsettling age to be at

Oh, and break up with that guy, you know it’s not going anywhere!

You’re so right Yelena I think social media plays a big part!

Yelena I'm not sure thats true. My grandmother was from a huge family of mostly girls and several of her sisters didn't marry (they'd be over a hundred years old by now) and that was difficult for some of them as they were judged as old maids. One was a primary school teacher all her life but her married sisters judged and envied her by turns as far as I heard, and were still doing so when she had to go into a home in her 80s "because of course she never had children" ...

Thank you Shirley

I moved to S.Africa at 27 - always wanted to live somewhere in Africa rather than just travel there. I didn't get a much wanted job, no boyfriend and no commitments so just went. Came back to UK eventually but I strongly felt it was a quarter life crisis and I'm glad I did it.

I agree with the PP who said life for young adults it really, really tough and it's hard to follow your dreams and find happiness. Good luck OP

Oh, also, it sometimes helps to think about the down sides of other people's lives! You are likely to be focusing on all the negatives of your own. But there are a lot of perks to a single/childless life. And after the wedding day being married doesn't change anything day to day (not denying it's importance for some relationships with children for legal protection). It doesn't fix anyone's relationship. And nor do kids. Some of the marriages if your friends will end in divorce. Don't be in a rush to do anything just to tick it off the list of "should have done by X years"

I’m going to read through these comments whenever I feel low! It’s so helpful. Thank you

I remember being 27. I was in a long term stable job which was well paid, but I hated it. I was sat in my rented flat, with hardly any social life as everyone in my social circle where getting engaged, having babies, buying houses etc. All I kept thinking is I should be doing the same..
I had split my long term partner, after years of heartbreak and misery. Think I stuck with it trying to paint the picture I had what everyone else did.
One day I just decided to apply for jobs in my degree field, had no experience and had graduated years beforehand. I got knocked back by tons of people, saying experience was necessary. Until one day I got the job of my dreams. From then things started looking up, and I bought a home.
The relationship part of my life is still questionable (currently on a break from my partner of 3years). But I’ve replied as I think you feel like many 28 year old, single girls, so don’t worry. Plus apply for the jobs, you never know.

Thank you for sharing Darch that’s good to hear

I had mine as I approached 30. I think it's because I'd built myself up to how things should be and where I thought I should be. My job wasn't what I wanted and I was in an abusive toxic relationship.

I'm now approaching my mid 30's, have a great job and a bf who I adore and adores me. I think the big 30 was a wake up call that I needed to make changes but it was incredibly hard and scary x