Friend not wanting to catch up - help me understand this

[SpookymcSpookerson]

I wanted to post this in the hope others can help me understand what's going on here in case it's social anxiety related (or if she's just being a dick) and if you do this? WWYD?

My friend never seems to want to see me in person. We work about two blocks from one another so used to frequently meet for lunch - at least once a week, sometimes twice - and sometimes on the weekend too for a drink or dinner or some such. We're very close. She messages me every single working day without fail, usually more than once, just to chat. How are you, how was your evening, how is your day going type thing. Never on the weekend. I'd usually suggest lunch or a catch up because she works nearby, I MUCH prefer to see people IRL and I find the messages distracting when I'm at work, so I would say 'I'm busy now but can have lunch tomorrow?' as a way of moving the chat off messenger. She'd say yes more often than not, but probably said no at least 40% of the time. It would be a hard no as well, as in 'no I'm busy' rather than a nicer 'oh I'd love to but can't do tomorrow, how about Friday?'

Then I realised it's always me that initiates things IRL and I started to feel a little resentful of that, so stopped. I haven't initiated anything since deciding not to, and it's been weeks now. But the thing is, she still starts or tries to start at least three conversations with me a day. If I don't reply, she just messages again an hour or two later anyway. But why not just see me?

Can anyone make sense of this?

Is she having money troubles? To eat out once or twice a week can be very expensive ? Perhaps she's too embarrassed to admit to you ? Perhaps arrange a meet up that costs nothing at all and see if she agrees to that ?

Same thought here, eating out or even drinks can all add up and maybe she just can't afford it.
She obviously wants to maintain a relationship with you but you seem to only want it on a face to face basis.
Some compromise is needed if you want the friendship to continue, keep up the daytime talk when you can and suggest a catch up that doesn't involve spending.

Or just ask her outright if she's avoiding meeting in person for a reason! So many people ( myself included!) shy away from asking directly, it doesn't have to come across as rude and you'd put all this to bed in a matter of minutes instead of mindless speculation!

It sounds from your post that because you prefer IRL meetings, you're expecting her to always accommodate that. She has every right to prefer not to meet for lunch, I get a limited lunch break and also normally have other stuff to do during lunch so wouldn't want a regular commitment of lunch multiple times a week. She's showing you by starting conversations that she values the friendship, I think you need to be more flexible about her needs as well as your own. Also, a quick text asking how someone is doing is a lot less of a mental commitment than agreeing to a full lunch. If I'm busy and have a lot on, I may not have the energy to meet friends in person but would still drop a text in an 'Im thinking of you' sort of way.

Hmmm that’s a good point about the money I wonder if that’s it.

And pps are right - I know I’m not entitled to her time. I just find the constant messages stressful and distracting especially as i know she doesn’t like it if I don’t reply for ages

pigeon I would like to ask but I’m not quite sure how. I don’t want her to feel obligated to spend time with me

yes it could be money, or she could be on a diet and not wanting to explain, or she could want to keep her relationship with you but at a distance, or maybe you ask too many questions or personal stuff and she doesn't want to deal with that. I have friends like that where when they meet me they interrogate me about my life. I am happy to text them because I can pick and choose what to answer, but in person some people are just very full on.

What platform is she messaging you via? You could tell her that work have clamped down and you no longer have access to personal messages during the day.

I'd start with saying " we haven't had a catch up in a while, what do you fancy doing?" You are putting the ball in her court to choose something, if she doesn't suggest something or ignores you, then follow it up with a simple " not keen on meeting up?"

I wonder about the money issue too. It sounds like she is doing her best to keep in contact though. If you don’t want to chat during the day why don’t you leave it until after work and text back ‘flat out at work and didn’t get the chance to respond. How are you?’
She might get the hint if you stop answering during work hours

If you are as close as you say you are then talk to her, we can hypothesise but we can’t tell you the truth because we aren’t her. Her constant messages would annoy me too, so I would be straight with her and say that you find them distracting and would much prefer to communicate at a time that would be mutually convenient.

Everybody has a role to play in a relationship dynamic, you have a choice in which one you choose to play and if you feel you don’t, then perhaps the relationship isn’t the one for you. Life is way too short to sweating this kind of stuff.

Is she in a relationship? Maybe he isn't keen on her going out.