Partner with personality disorder

[StonedRoses]

I am so confused trying to work out the right thing to do. My DW has been unwell psychologically for a few years - and not her psychiatrist thinks she may we’ll have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. She also has a lot of unexplained physical symptoms that her doctors think might be part of this.
Either way it’s put a huge strain on our marriage. I’ve had enough of her behaviour, the second guessing her moods, the constant belittling and yelling at me. The latest has been a huge falling out between her and her family - which has left me in the middle. I always thought if our marriage failed it would be because she had enough of me, but now I see from her illness that she has a terrible fear of being alone and would never leave me, although she has threatened many times.

This has left me feeling trapped. I have had enough of it all - I don’t love her any more and we have nothing of a ‘normal’ relationship left. There’s no one else involved I just feel trapped in this one.
But if I leave I worry about her health and her sense of abandonment. I think it would not help her mental health. I know I am not responsible for her health - but I still feel enough for her to not make things worse.

We also have a 8yr DS - and I worry about the impact us splitting up would have on him, and the fact that however amicable contact was after I wouldn’t see him as much as I do now.

I really am conflicted about what to do. 80% of the time things are tolerable. Even if the relationship has gone we can mostly be civil and polite to each other. I know what I want - but I know I must put DW and DS first. Any advice gratefully recieved

I have this and I don't shout at or belittle my fiancé. You should do what you want and need to do.

It's hard to leave when you know someone is unwell. But that is what professionals are there for.

My friends recently moved out from the family home because of DHs MH issues. She spoke to his doctor and eventually got the police to check up on him that first night as he was a suicide risk. He hasn't had any intervention from MH services before. He was fine (relatively). The MH team visited him most days for a couple of weeks after and he now sees his psychologist (discharged from psychiatrist as won't take meds) once a week or so.
For an emergency you can always call 999 as well. Another friend phoned them as their ex (abusive and manipulative) was threatening suicide. They went to him promptly to check he was ok (he was).

If you think you will leave.....leaving it longer won't help.

Hi op

Can you not take your child with you if you leave?

but I know I must put DW and DS first
NO - you must put your DS first.
Do you really think the constant belittling and yelling at me is a good example to set for him?
Is this the relationship model you want for him?
He's seeing you unhappy.
He's seeing his mum unhappy.
He's seeing and hearing things an 8 YO shouldn't.
It's a very unhealthy environment for him.
You get one shot at this life.
Don't spend it being miserable.

I don’t mean to make it sound worse than it is. A lot of the time we are not yelling or arguing. And I take great care not to do it in front of DS. But what I find hardest to cope with is her rapid mood swings. One minute I’m the best husband in the world, the next I’m terrible, usually over something trivial.

Yet most of the time we can be polite and tolerate one another. So if I’m putting my DS first I don’t know if I should stay for his sake - and hers

If you leave, please take your son. I’m no expert but I imagine a marriage break down would be very stressful on your wife and may make her moods worse.
I would be happy for another more experienced mumsnetter to tell me I am wrong.
Can you talk to a health professional (one of your wife’s therapists) and ask if your son would be safe with her?