Husband doesn't like me fat - low moods

[SarahEssex123]

Hey, so I need some advice please! I've got a 4 year old daughter and since being pregnant with her I've put on 2-2.5 stone. My husband has told me numerous times he doesn't like the fact I'm bigger which upsets me, I've told him but he says he's just being honest but makes me more sad and I binge eat! He's the breadwinner and I'm a sahm but he thinks I'm just lazy and should be able to just loose weight and look good for him. I've never had lots of self esteem but ATM I'm at the lowest. I follow all these beautiful women on social media and then eat a whole bag of cookies! We don't have sex much, i feel he's so unattracted to me and he never compliments me but we say if someone is attractive or will look at other ladies when we are out. To top it off I recently had a miscarriage and feel like poop! I'm a member of the gym but just can't find the motivation to eat well too... help! Is husband being unreasonable or am I just being too sensitive??

I think he's allowed to be honest about finding you less attractive after weight gain, and women posting on here about their partners gaining weight are usually supported, but there is a big difference between a frank discussion and consistently making you feel rubbish about yourself. Given your recent miscarriage, he seems particularly unsupportive and insensitive. He shouldn't comment on other women, or look at them in a noticeable way. That is very disrespectful and hurtful to you. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

He’s an arse.
Your body grew his baby.

On top of your recent sad news, you are clearly in need of tlc not put downs.
Have you spoken to someone (GP?) about your miscarriage and low moods??

I hate the gym but loved walking my daughter in her buggy- we would go miles. This type of activity would be fun and you would have time to enjoy your DD- much more meaningful and attractive than the idea of an hour in a BO filled sweat box (gym) where you might feel self conscious- I only say this as this is how I felt.
Do you have a friend you could buddy up with??

What I found tough when I had a young DD was that I needed something to look forward to. Whether it’s a night out with DP, a weekend away etc etc these things kept me going when I felt low and gave me something to work towards.

I hope you find your solution xxx

Well he's certainly going about it like an arse, but he can't help what he is or isnt attracted to, and 2-2.5 stone can make a massive difference size/shape wise.
Loving a person isn't the same as being attracted to them physically/sexually, which will understandably affect desire to have sex with a person.
The only person who can control how you act around food is you, so its not very fair of you blaming him mentioning not finding you attractive bigger as your reason to binge eat. Yes its not nice knowing he's not attracted to you, but you're still choosing to eat that bag of cookies, not him.
It's not on of him to compliment/comment on other women to you though, that's just being cruel, even if his warped thinking is it will motivate you.

Thank you for the reply! I'm guessing I'm just feeling sorry for myself ATM.. he does have some redeeming features as a husband/ dad but we are just going through a rubbish time I guess x

This is all relative, it really depends if you were really small before to be honest, and exactly how big you are now. I have a friend who goes on about needing to lose 1/2 a stone, she can’t be more than a size 8/10 and to me looks pretty skinny as I’m a size 16 and 12 And a half stone. He certainly could be going about this in a better way and if he is actively rude enough to look and comment about other women I would seriously be thinking about losing an immediate 13 stone or so—- him!!

I agree with GloomyMonday posts, being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that they have to always find you attractive. I know that if my DP gained 2.5 stone (that wasn't caused by a health issue) then I would still love him but probably not find him attractive and it would make me angry and concerned to see him eating a lot of unhealthy food and refusing to work out because that just isn't a healthy way to live.

That being said, there is a vast difference between having an open, honest and loving conversation with your partner about their weight and making them always feel like rubbish about how they look by comparing them to other women.

It seems like you are trying to deal with your feelings by eating, and I wonder if speaking to a therapist might be a good option for you?

Also, I have found that when I am being lazy and eating poorly, it just leads to a vicious cycle and I have to force myself out of it but not having bad food in the house and by getting myself outside to be active. Once you start eating well and spending time outside (I second the idea of going on long pram walks with your daughter), you will begin to feel better overall, and this will lead to more physical activity and better food choices.

rosewater99 it's funny how people always harp on about how unhealthy it is to be bigger. My ex used to talk about that when I gained weight after having his kids for him. Now I'm in my 60's and still on the bigger side - still healthy too ! And the ex , oh yeah he is the guy who is currently in Coronary Care with severe heart disease, despite being thin all his life.

Being thin doesn't equate to being healthy - sorry to say.

He's.entitled to his opinion but why is he putting what he wants before your feelings?

He sounds selfish, and at best very insensitive, especially given the fact you've carried his child and with all you're going through. Not to mention the stress he's undoubtedly causing you through suggesting you're overweight and lazy. It sounds like he doesn't value you much, or at least doesn't know how to show it.

In terms of weight loss, you could lose around 160lbs very quickly by showing him the door...

Birdie69, I never said being thin equals healthy, I said that eating well and getting exercise is healthy. If you are overeating and not getting enough movement during the day then clearly that isn't a healthy way to live.

The more critical issue here is that OP and her husband aren't communicating in a healthy way because the OP feels bad about how she looks, her husband then confirms that he isn't attracted to her weight gain and then the OP over eats to fill that void. Clearly, not healthy forms of communication or coping mechanisms.
From my point of view, two things need to happen:

1. The OP and her husband need to learn to communicate in way a that allows the OP to safely express how she is feeling and to receive a respectful and loving response, but the OP needs to realise that what her husband has to say will probably be hard to hear and it might hurt because finding out that we aren't living up to the expectations of the people we love is painful. I also wonder if the OPs husband is concerned about her overall health and not just what she looks like? If my DP weren't taking care of his health, I would be very worried about the impact on his quality of life and the example being set for our children. The OPs husband needs to express himself in kind, respectful and loving ways, which is why I think marriage counselling might be a good option.

1. The OP needs to figure out what would make her feel good about her body; I have a hunch that the OP doesn't love her weight gain or she wouldn't care what her husband had to say about it. The OP is responsible for her health, her self-esteem and her happiness and she needs to do the work on herself for herself to get to a place where she is happy.

@birdie, generally being thin is healthier than being overweight or obese - that is what the numbers say. Genetics play a big part in heart disease but that is not the only type of illness there is.
Binge eating is most certainly not healthy physically or mentally.
OP I think you need to think about the example you are setting for your child. Eating a balanced diet with portion control is a very valuable thing to teach your children.
If you feel that you cannot cope maybe you are dealing with the beginnings of depression and the dr can help. If you think you can cope maybe you can find strategies to distract you from eating food you don't need such as having a bath or going for a walk.

I would tell him to fuck off, I bet he thinks he's perfect. Does he have washboard abs and chiseled features? Wanksock.

Thank you all for your comments and listening! Something has def got to change as I also hate the way I look! I was a small size 10 now size 14 but just feel frumpy / with added stretch marks and wobbly bits!

Ok it seems that I need to communicate more with the husband and do something about it for me too...
Think I might make an appointment to see the gp though as can feel myself going into a bit of a dark hole about it all x

Its not you, its him. Has he ever been supportive throughout your marriage or has he been always nit picking about your appearance (I would also think that he himself does not have the body of a Greek god) and particularly so since the birth of your DD?.

You may well want to contact the Miscarriage Association because they are very good and could well help you. Link is here:-
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. Your self esteem, fragile enough as it is, will further break under this man. What sort of an example is he setting to his child if he treats you as her mother like this?.

He wants his own way and the comment you made earlier re him "He's the breadwinner and I'm a sahm but he thinks I'm just lazy and should be able to just loose weight and look good for him" is itself a red flag. Would certainly now go to the GP and talk openly and honestly about both your miscarriage and your life with your H.

Firstly, unfollow the women on Instagram. They are there to make women feel bad about themselves. Their whole business/industry is about generating insecurity so women spend money. Do yourself a favour and don't look at it or follow it. It's crazy making.

Secondly, I think partners SHOULD be able to comfortably talk to one another if they feel unattracted to the other due to something that can be changed I.e weight, hygiene etc HOWEVER I think your partner is being insensitive considering you have had a miscarriage and cruel in checking out other women.

Can you tell him honestly that his behaviour is not helping and that you need his emotional support?

Ok just a little update.. booked to see the gp next week and I've just come back from a gym class which I was dreading but feel better now Ive done it.

You have all made some valid points - think I need to have a talk without it ending in an argument or getting upset and just say I need some time for myself.. here's to positive thinking - thank you everyone