I cheat but know I shouldn't

[Rabbit2344]

I go from man to man like they are disposable.

I was with a partner for 7 years, my first boyfriend from the age of 16 and my only sexual partner up until then. We broke up because I cheated on him, using a website specifically for those in relationships looking to cheat. He found out and it was messy.

After that I went from man to man, again through that site. Now I'm constantly looking for a different man. I love the one I'm with for a little while, infatuated, spend all all my time with them and then someone shows me the slightest interest and I want to move on.

I don't want to be like this anymore, I want to settle down, I'm ready for marriage and kids and commitment but I'm just scared I'm never going to allow myself that; I'm scared I'm always going to get bored easily and look for the next best thing.

I know what I've done is wrong but I don't know how to help myself. I'm
Obviously looking for something, but I don't know what (and then when I think I've found it, I want the next thing!). I know what I should do is allow myself to be on my own for a while, but I don't want to do that - I like having a boyfriend, 'dating', someone to text etc... I know, I'm pathetic.

February - September this year I actually had three boyfriends, none of whom knew about each other. I liked the thrill and excitement of, basically, having a different man each day.

There's one actually who I'm still seeing, I really adore him, however we cannot be together properly as he has moving far away to his home country very soon (not a country that I can even visit). A big shame as I'd marry him if it were possible (there are other complications too). But obviously I can't love him as much as I think I do because I still cheat on him...

I don't know what to do. I don't even think this post makes much sense. I know I'm a horrible person and what I doing is wrong - I need advice as to what to do? How can I have happy, content relationships? How can I make myself stop cheating and stop thinking that the grass is greener? Because it never is.

(I am using different name)

I'm not going to comment on the morality of what you're doing as you know it's wrong.

The solution is starting you in the face though - find someone who is happy to have an open relationship, it's that simple.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, if that man knew what you was doing and what your still are doing he wouldn't love you he would think you was a slut, if you honestly don't care that means you're not ready to procreate because you could never love a child more then you love yourself, sorry I'm only being honest.

OP have you thought about counselling? It sounds like you have deep rooted issues around commitment, perhaps you're inability to let yourself be content and happy and loved.

We all deserve that OP, you included. To have someone love us and live hem back equally. But you don't have that if you're cheating.

If you can afford it I'd seriously recommend some sessions just to try and talk and unpick the emotions of it.

Why are you so scared of finding one guy to be with forever?

And contrary to Mother I actually don't think you love yourself enough

You sound like one of my friends from many years ago, , its only now , she regrets what she did ,you will have to live with that too , she still lives back home , everyone knows , and everyone avoids her
she comes to stay with us from time to time,

she is so lonely " and realises now the men were just using her

I'm going to be completely honest with you, if that man knew what you was doing and what your still are doing he wouldn't love you he would think you was a slut, if you honestly don't care that means you're not ready to procreate because you could never love a child more then you love yourself, sorry I'm only being honest.

Seriously?? OP I agree with sleeping and think you need counselling

How would you feel about your partner sleeping with other people?

If its something you could live with you probably need to look at a polyamorous relationship.

Not everyone is the same, you don't need to comply with other people's definition of what is right and wrong, you only need to be honest with the people you are dating.

How old are you now OP? Maybe you are not really ready to settle with one person yet. It's very sad that you feel so unfulfilled but try not to get too disheartened.

I agree that counselling might help you explore why you act this way but also a poly relationship might be worth a try. As long as you are open with your partners and not damaging anyone else by your behaviour, it could work for you.

People who have been cheated on can find it hard to trust others in the future so you really need to stop doing that. I suppose that you also are unable to trust because of your cheating so that is something that you will carry into all your future relationships. It's very difficult to build strong relationships without trust as it's a pretty basic requirement.

Hi OP, I knew someone who behaved similarly, then one day she just found her match, and settled down without having to try hard. It might just be around the corner for you too.

You're not ready for commitment, for whatever reason that is. Otherwise you would have committed to one of these men rather than cheat on them. You need counselling.

You sound incredibly selfish. You know you shouldn’t be in a relationship as you’re clearly not ready for commitment, but you ‘like having a boyfriend ‘.

Think about somebody else for a change, not just about you and what you want.

Yep, counselling.

I think this is worth being discussed in therapy. I've cheated in the past and navel gazing led me to some conclusions:

• I struggle to trust men because I don't trust myself
• I have a distant relationship with my dad and so crave closeness but it also makes me anxious as it feels unfamiliar - as such I can be a bit push/pull
• I struggle being direct about what I need from my partner making it easier to find traits you like in different people rather thane expecting all from one
• Insecurity was a big driver. I felt validated by attention/lust

Therapy can help you if you do want to change. Otherwise polyamory is an option to keep your taste for variety above board.

It’s ok to want lots of partners. The only bits of your post that are not ok is your lack of honesty, both with your partners and to yourself.

As far as partners go, make it plain from the off you aren’t going to be in an exclusive relationship and give them the choice as to whether they want the same thing you do.

Also you aren’t ready to get married and have kids. It’s an idea you like but you’ve shown no signs of being ready to do so yet.

Until you start by learning to be an honest and trustworthy person you won’t be ready.

Folks saying she needs to get into polyamory to handle cheating.

Stop it.

It's not a solution to cheating. She needs to admit to folks that she's not capable of commitment and exclusivity and be up front about it. You can still cheat in poly relationships. Most poly relationships have boundaries and commitments too.

Counselling? Yes. Poly? No. I imagine she doesn't want to share with other people.

Agree with penis. You still need to be able to honest and have integrity in a serious poly or open relationship and at the moment that's severely lacking. OP also says she liked the thrill so think the fact it is cheating/forbidden could also be feeding the dynamic.

Agree to seek counselling and not have any kids! In the mean time you can have casual boyfriend(s) of sorts....just let it be known you aren't exclusive and don't expect them to be. You will only attract certain men with that tact but you won't be hurting anyone. and always use condoms !

Hi OP
Firstly- you need to be able to distinguish between your inability to commit to a monogamous relationship with cheating- they aren’t the same thing.
You chest because you can’t bare to let go of your primary relationship while you enjoy attention and attachment to someone else, and you can’t bare to be honest for fear that your primary partner may either leave you or choose to also have other relationships.
So long as you aren’t deceiving anyone then you aren’t harming anyone other than yourself by seeking constant affirmation from new sexual relationships.

*chest : cheat

Posted too soon - What’s damaging and harmful is the deception. Why are you unable to let go of someone or try an open relationship before you cheat on them? That’s the essential question.

I'm ready for marriage and kids

Given you were cheating on three men as little as a month ago, you really aren't. Think about what marriage and kids actually means.

I wonder whether the reason you feel so strongly for the one who is moving back to his own country - a place you can't even visit is precisely because he's moving so far away and will be so unavailable?

I've never cheated - well maybe kissed someone else when i was a teenager - yet I recognise a lot of what you say about yourself in myself.

I don't want a settled down relationship because I know myself well enough now to know it wouldn't work. But at the same time I'd love one!

I've realised that the only men I can ever imagine being with are the ones I could never be with - either because they are married; not interested; unavailable for some other reason...

It allows me an outlet for romantic feelings/idealising bit without the expectation or commitment. But I'd never mess with someone else's life or head.

Get some counselling.