Worried about abusive grandparents

[porkarooney]

Hi all, so I am in the beginning of a separation from my husband of 9 years.
We have 2 children together, 7 and 6 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship age 12.
6 years ago my husband and I cut all contact with his parents due to abuse and manipulation towards us and the children. It was very messy, very toxic and has since opened a can of worms with my husband realising how abusive they were to him as a child. Emotional abuse, religious abuse, emotional incest to name but a few. He has been in therapy since, trying to work through this and we have had a tough few years trying to help each other through many issues (I have my own too). I would say it has contributed massively to the failing of our marriage.

We are both amicable and realise that we don't bring the best out in each other despite years of counselling and therapy it just isn't working.

My problem and biggest fear (and probably what has kept me hanging on to this relationship so long) is that if we aren't together he may try to establish a relationship with my youngest children to his parents.

He is adamant that he would never expose them to his parents because of his own childhood trauma but on occasions in the past when we have had trial separations he has said he was thinking about striking up a relationship with them again...mainly because of guilt and no other family support.

I honestly don't think he would introduce them for the near future but I am fearful that if he re establishes his own relationship with them again and they start manipulating him all over again he will back down to please them over keeping his kids safe.

I feel utterly terrified that my children may be exposed to these people that have caused so much suffering in mine, my husband and my children's lives (my 12 year old is petrified of my mil).

Do I have a leg to stand on if this potential outcome does happen? Would I be able to protect them?

If it’s amicable tell him your fears, yes he can see them but the children can’t.

I have done and he has agreed to keep the children away but I'm afraid if he starts keeping their company then he may become manipulated once again and agree to things that he wouldn't have under normal circumstances.

Can I ask what emotional incest is?

I genuinely don't know if you'd be able to put some restrictions in place legally.
Make an appointment with a family solicitor and ask for advice. They may be able to put some form of restraining order in place.

Like I said, I'm not sure but that's the only thing I can think of.
Xx

Copy and pasted....'Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult. The effects of covert incest on children when they become adults are thought to mimic actual incest, although to a lesser degree.'

Some of the stories my husband has told me made me feel physically ill. I have no doubt my mil would try and do the same to my son.

Thank you for the explanation. You have every right to be extremely worried for your children. I would suggest consulting a family lawyer to explore legal opinions for restricting the grandparents access to your children in the event that your husband reconciled with them. If it’s amicable between you both I would tell him that’s what you’re looking into so he understands the gravity of the situation and the measures you will take to protect them in the event that he does reconcile

Thank you, I am due to see a solicitor anyway about separation so will bring it up then and see what they say. I have definitely spelt it out to him that I would do everything in my power to protect them. Like I said, at the moment he is appalled that I would even think he would introduce them but I just can't take the risk that he wouldn't. I don't want to be naive to think that things won't change. My youngest two don't even know his parents exist as they were still babies really when we cut contact.

At the moment, he is in complete agreement with you, for the very good reasons which you have given. I would say this was the perfect time to get this cooperation formalised in the separation agreement. Your solicitor is the person with professional expertise and experience in such matters, and can make sure things are legally watertight.