Is there a name for this type of behaviour?

[MultreesTalk]

I will try to be brief. Situation unfolded as follows:

Abusive H and I have argument.

Following morning he texts me while I'm at work asking if I want him to move out.

I am busy and don't see message.

By the time I do see message he's texted again to the effect of 'right you haven't replied... I'm moving out then and this time I won't be coming back'

(I secretly think good - off you go then - and start making plans to see solicitor.

A few days go by

I then start getting messages saying 'I love you I just need to know your feelings etc'

I don't reply as he is abusive and I don't want to engage.

I get further messages along the lines of 'all I wanted was for you to say how you feel' and 'you haven't replied I guess you don't want me back'

I am very  and text back to say no-one made you leave, you said you wanted to go, how is it my fault ??

I then get passive aggressive messages saying 'this is getting nowhere, have a great life' and then today threats to tell private information to a third party as it's my fault I have ended the relationship. I can only assume this in some kind of effort to blackmail me into saying I want him back (I don't).

As I said, theres a long history of abuse and control and I am relieved he has left. I want him to stay left.

I just cannot work out what this latest pattern of behaviour is in that the whole situation (him having decided to move out) is now somehow my fault??!

There's a lot to unpack here but at the end of the day, isn't that final question (I'm shocked he's twisted it and made it all my fault) just a classic hallmark of abuse? Don't engage, keep ignoring him even if he threatens to blackmail you, and make sure you take that threat to your solicitor.

He lacks accountability, maturity, responsibility and won't own his own actions. He wants you to beg him to come back to stroke his ego. He lacks integrity (words and actions don't match) and self-respect.. He will send you mad...

Oh yes. And ABUSIVE

He is a common or garden twat but wants someone to blame, unfortunately that is you, but his passive aggressive bollox has backfired as it has hardened your resolve that he is, indeed, a twat.
You're doing great not engaging with him, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person, so keep on ignoring and build yourself a fabulous life without him

Ada, my mind is so confused at first I couldn't work out if it's my fault or not!

However in this occasion I gave kept the text trail and it goes from him threatening to move out if I don't tell him how I feel, to him moving out, then wanting me to say I want him to move back, then when I don't more threats to stay left, along with the blackmail.

I feel so confused... but surely if he made the decision to leave it's not my responsibility....is it?! He is putting pressure on me to reply a certain way and when I don't he is blaming me for the fact he had to leave.

In the past when I have engaged and tried to reason with him and pointed out it was his decision- he has accused ME of twisting things, turned nasty and stopped texting for a bit.

But invariably I get fake messages a few days later saying 'I love you xxxx' which I ignore. It's the ignoring them that then triggers nasty messages (all the "love" has by then evaporated.

Don't reply. The texts are intended to draw you into an(other) argument. It's not your fault, it's him.

It drives him crazy when you don't engage, because he's all about control. He's trying to manipulate you.

Don't respond to his messages: you don't want him back so there's nothing to say. Just let him rant away and ignore, don't try to justify yourself, it really doesn't matter. What matters is getting free and staying free of him.

Lots of nasty people do this. In various relationships. Blowing hot and cold. That's how they trap people in cycles of abuse. Rejecting you one minute then pleading for you back the next and pleading. But if their impulse control is poor then you can get mad cycles where they're blowing a different temperature by the time you've seen the first message/letter, etc. Never knowing which "version" you'll get. He is trying to make you feel guilty. It doesn't sound like it's working- good!

He’s gone. All he wants is to control and hurt you.
Change the locks, block his number and enjoy the silence.

Pleading for you back the next and being kind/nice/sycophantic/OTT*

Yep all about control and abusive behaviour. You are not playing his game anymore and he can't bear it. You were supposed to cry and tell him you can't live without him and beg him to come back and allow him to carry on treating you badly and being a twat. And you called his bluff. Don't try and reason with him or talk you can't reason with this type of character, think yourself lucky he's gone and move on with your life.

He is also financially abusive - I got a threatening voicemail telling me not to use joint a/c bank card.

Today I tried to use the card at a cash point and it got swallowed.

I called the bank and they said he had called them to report it stolen.

I explained the situation to the bank (they were brill btw) but I was shocked that they can't stop him cancelling my cards in future as they said anyone is allowed to phone up and report a card lost or stolen even if it is someone else's card.

I can't believe he has done this as I am miles from home having taken DS away on a half term trip. I now have no recourse to money in joint account until I get home, and am forced to use another (already overdrawn )account for the rest of the trip.

Mean, spiteful and probably illegal/ fraudulent behaviour.

Block him, let him text away without you having to even read his abusive mind fck sht!

Block him on everything and move on. Life is way too short to engage with that level of twattery. His decisions are his decisions. Nobody else’s and certainly not yours.

Oh and as for the name, difficult to say from what you've said here but have a read up about narcissistic personality disorder and see whether he ticks any boxes.

If you want a word for it....You might be looking for trauma bonding? Except it hasn't worked this time!

If you can get into a branch of your bank and you have ID they may let you take cash out over the counter. My bank let me do this just by confirming my name/address/DOB. Might be worth at least asking.

If you have ID and can get into a branch of your bank you may be able to withdraw money at the counter using a counter cheque. Call your bank back and ask them if they offer this.

As per pp, go into branch with iD and your banking details.

While you're in there, you can freeze the joint account if he's likely to draw out all the money (my ex started an overdraft on a joint account we had when we split, so I ended up freezing the accounts to stop him). If you do freeze the account be aware that money going in will bounce back as well as direct debits etc failing to go out.

If you're in credit you can probably take yourself off the account entirely - take your half and shift any direct debits you're responsible for to another account/start a new account with a different bank. A basic current account doesn't take a lot of opening.