This is more of a ‘need to get it out post’. I am a single mum with 2 children. I am an only child as my mum apparently couldn’t have more children after I was born. I grew up in a violet environment, my dad was quite physical towards my mum and would sometimes be quite so with me as well. We moved in with my grandparents when I was 5 months old because my mum had depression and couldn’t cope with me. My gran took over the most part of a mum figure. When I was 9 my parents divorced, not that anything changed, my dad continued to harass us. My mum would sit at the dining room table day in, day out talking about my dad. She would smoke 50 cigarettes a day, drink tea, not eat and talk about how she would one day kill her self if all this didn’t stop. I told her one day it upset me listening to all this and she told me it wasn’t about how I felt, it made her feel better saying it. We eventually moved to a refuge for a few months, away from my grandparents which devastated me, they were my constants and I was so lucky to have them. We then moved back home a few months later after my mum discovered my dad had been going for counselling about his anger.
When we moved back there were several court cases about me, my mum not wanting to let him see me and I was actually petrified of my dad. I was regularly told by my mum if I wanted to see him it would hurt her feelings after all she’d been through. I was told I’d hurt her feelings about a lot of things. I was told he was never violent to her until they had me, this is not true it started before they got married. My mum regularly had male friends visiting our house once things calmed down with my dad, some were friends she kept around for company, others she had relations with. I’d be sent to bed with my nan do they could be alone. I came down one night unwell and caught her at it on the sofa with one of them. I hated men, I was terrified of them. But it made her feel better having them around.
Once things settled a little I was made to see my dad in a contact centre, because I was happy to be home from my first visit having being in tears having to go, I smiled as a friend dropped me off from the centre because my mum was too scared to come with me, she told me to pack my bags, leave my toys behind and get ready to leave. She then locked me upstairs to pack on my own telling me I was going to live with my dad. I was 10 years old and terrified. My dad had many unsavoury friends and from past experience I was still afraid of him. I sobbed and sobbed as she shouted at me for being happy. My gran tried to let me out of my room but my mum wouldn’t let her. I was allowed to school the next day and back to my room again. This stopped after I apologised to her for looking happy and I felt the need to tell her every day after that repeatedly that I loved her. It was almost a role reversal of me comforting her instead of a mum comforting her child. In truth I was afraid of her.
I was supposed to see a child psychologist as it was noticed when I lived in the refuge that I would make my dolls beat each other up and draw pictures of women with black eyes. My mum never took me because she didn’t want me telling them things I’d seen or how I felt. A social worker visited one day and I was told not to say anything. I would her my mums feelings if I did. We know how that panned out the last time so I wasn’t in a hurry to do so again. I never told anyone anything that was going on at home. I kept it to myself. I regularly had stomach aches and headaches. I know now this was anxiety. Even when my mum and dad got back together when I was 12 and still scared of my dad, I tried voicing I didn’t want to move I’m with him and leave my grandparents but I was told I had to because my mum was claiming as a single parent so I had to be there. The arguments continued almost immediately but the violence stopped. I would go to my grans after school until it was dark and then go home and sit alone in my room. If I tried to join in conversation my dad would go mad saying I stuck my nose inand I was just generally in the way, especially if they wanted sex. I was regularly told off for things I hadn’t done. My mum regularly instigated and stirred rows between me and my dad. Although I was fed, clothed etc, I was isolated and bullied daily. If she was annoyed at my dad she would take it out on me instead. I would in the end stay out as long as I could and go to bed as soon as I got home or I’d be in for another bollocking for something or other. My mum was the princess and if I upset her I’d know about it. They would pick at me every single day, call me names, threaten to smash my face in if I answered them. I was accused of theft because a school trip didn’t refund a trip they planned and was made to prove it by my mum coming to school and asking in front of the class if I’d stollen her money.
I went on to college when I left school and met a boy. We were crazy for each other. I was told I wasn’t allowed sex before marriage by my mum because if I did I’d hurt her feelings. My dad used to say he could find out if I was having sex because his friend was a doctor. My mum used to sit with me and my boyfriend if he came round, we weren’t allowed time alone. We eventually started sneaking to his house to be alone. When I was 17 I fell pregnant and the world ended. I was told to get rid of it but we’d kept it to ourselves for so long it was too late for that. My mum then told me stories of people she knew being abused, almost comparing it as if I’d committed a crime of something similar by getting pregnant. We planned to move out after the baby was born and they agreed to this to keep us sweet. My boyfriend had a bad relationship with his dad and so we had so much understanding of each other’s lives. My boyfriend wasn’t allowed to scans, my mum had to come. I was told I wouldn’t be punished for getting pregnant because I’d have ultimately punished myself enough for getting pregnant. My boyfriend wasn’t allowed to any hospital appointments, my mum had to come. When i went into labour he was not allowed near me, my mum had to be there. My emergency section resulted in her sitting in theatre telling the staff about her emergency section and how traumatic it was, just had she had told everyone at my appointments. All about her. She told them how hurt she was I’d gotten pregnant.
The time came to come home. My dad got a social worker he knew to visit us and warn us how we’d have our baby removed should we not be good parents and how they’d drag a court case out to punish us if we did. We didn’t know this was a fake visit at the time. They then began bullying my partner to encourage me to stay with them, they regularly threatened me with if I moved out we’d have the baby taken away. When people came to visit my mum would take centre stage on how traumatic MY LO’s birth was for her. I’d just sit there. My mum eventually twisted my head and caused rows telling me how my partner had kept money meant for the baby from family members, how they had caught him slagging my grandparents off, how he was cheating on me. Eventually he got fed up and left. I don’t really blame him we were both so young and changing in different ways. They were not the final nail in the coffin for us but they certainly supplied many of the problems. I was single a long time after. I’d regularly spend time with my mum taking her out spending my wages on her or paying for her to decorate or to have new carpets or new clothes, days out, nights away. I was bullied for the first couple of years of my eldest child’s life. I eventually learned to stand up after my dad threaten to put a hammer over my head and my mum told me not to be dramatic about it.
As a teen and a young mum I spent a lot of time with my aunty once my grand died. I was not allowed to grieve for her I had to be there to support my mum. I told my aunt things of the way I was treated and when she confronted my mum she turned it all back on me and said I was irrational because I had depression, that she was never bothered about before. My aunt kept her distance after that.
I met someone new and we finally got a place together. The accusations then started about him cheating on me, every time he went for a pint. If we had a row I was encouraged to leave him. I was constantly still afraid of hurting my mums feelings I eventually left him. I had even fallen pregnant but terminated it because I knew they would go frantic with me, two children at 22 by two different men, unmarried. I had brought enough shame, apparently. It sounds pathetic but they had so much power and control over me. I used to have to send my little one to their house every other day for them to check he was ok. Anyway, I left my partner after my mum encouraged me to move back in with them. Again the control started to ramp up, if I went out she’d ring and demand I come home. I’d take her out for lunch and buy her things. She’d wake my LO up if I had a night out so I’d have to stay up when I got in.
This all continued in some form throughout my whole life. I eventually got into a relationship with a man who had similar traits to my mum. He abused me mentally and physically after the birth of my second child. I stayed and kept it to myself, until I was very poorly mentally and could no longer cope. My mum almost basked in the fact I needed support and wanted to know every single detail, even reading my texts off him once I left making me go over and over it so she knew all the ins and outs. The thing that snapped me out of it was they told me to move in with them and they would support me in finding a new home, once I moved out of my house this changed l. I was told I had to stay with them I wasn’t fit to leave and they couldn’t borrow me the money they’d promised. I left the very next day. I have had help from my mum while I started a new job and she reminded me how she had to help every chance she had. I never once threw it in her face the thousands of pounds I’d spent on her on holidays, household goods, clothes etc. I was made to feel inferior and unable to cope. Recently I had a bad patch and tried to talk about it to my mum. All the conversations came back to her and how I was upsetting her and how she had been through worse and how she was having a rough time. I visited last week and tried to talk again, she then accused me of screaming at her because I asked her to listen to me and told me to get out of her house. She rang me up screamed at me and put the phone down. I made no contact with her after that. I now have my dad ringing me telling me she’s hurt and upset. How she’s devastated about how we’ve fallen out. I spoke to her briefly on the phone yesterday and she started asking me why I was being horrible with her, because I said I wasn’t going into town. I have been guilt tripped and belittled all my life. I now feel it’s time to change but why do I feel I’m doing something wrong?